Thursday, December 29, 2011

Episode 52: Not So Glad He Ate Her...


Somewhere in Her consciousness, Iryien detected a dying plea. Someone - or some thing - had called out to her in the throes of mortal peril. A living being, a being with a soul and a heart that yearned for love needed Her, and needed Her now. She looked down at the Temple Manicurist, Lobella, and asked how long it would be until the freshly-applied nail lacquer had fully dried.

"Just another minute or two, my most radiant Lady."

Well, whoever it was, Iryien thought, I'm sure they can hold on for another few minutes...



Responding to the plaintiff cries of a dying Aramis, Iryien cuts short her tour of the Temple of the Divine Shoulder Blaster and materializes on Athas.

Discovers death and administers healing.

Creates a protective sphere.

Tiamat (reunited) rises up and our after hearing worms and pteradactyls.

Big boom, and Tiamat is exploded.

Grog the Slavemaster informs them of their Fate.

Some win, some lose.

Grog is Seduced.

Iryien discovers the dragon king.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Episode 51: "Muad'dib, I Don't Think We're On Arrakis Anymore..."

Typically, a 30th-level Bucknard's One Way Portal is not only reliable, but is also one of the safest means of travel in the multiverse. Need to get from Point A•ß{sub}7 to Point π•ø∑/B? This little door through Time and Space is the way to go...

However, if you mistreat it, malign it, or abuse it with dragon's breath at any time and it tends to get cranky. Irritable. Pre-sentient, even.

And Gods forgive anyone who, as it's Singular Focus, tries to force their way through it without the proper authorization spells, enchantment codes or retinal keys.

Why, I've heard of 'Buckies' peering into the minds of such inconsiderate travelers and, rooting around for sources of perpetual annoyance, finding out where to send them so as to put the biggest possible cosmic boot straight up their backsides.

Yeah, you don't want to go and piss off a portal. Especially when you have so many enemies.

And marginal survival skills.

And no way to get home.


Monday, December 5, 2011

Eprologue

From the Desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.

Senior Reprobate, First Class

The Naugahyde Cotillion

To the emmissaries of the following dieties:

_____________

_________

____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)

_______

_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie

___________________________________________


Report 3, Code 2-2 A, supplemental.

You must admit, that was a possibility.

A terrifically small, one, I admit, but I do believe the Naugahyde Cotillion warned you of such an outcome when You(s) elected to recruit this group in the first place.

First of all, ____, (now Koresh) is clearly unstable. It would not surprise me in the least to learn that he has somewhere in his lineage one (or more! Dare we think it?) ancestor with Chaosblood. Had we been given just a little more time we could have looked into the matter and potentially avoided a catastrophe. The fact that ___(Dolorous) is his sister makes me think, in retrospect, that Your Eminences should use what Powers you have at your disposal and bring this experiment to a swift end.

To whit: Consecutive, consecutive, mind you! instance where the Pick of Extreme Digging has ruptured the T/sC. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN??? There are no recorded instances of this happening more than once, to the same group of individuals, IN THE SAME MILLENIUM!

Also, The Enigma and Stonehenge gather power too quickly, and in different directions. The Cotillion can understand the creation of a satellite cosmos - be it Chaotic or Lawful - but the mix of attitudes and ethoses in this group are leading to, in the estimation of the Cotillion, complete and utter ruin. We beseech thee to at least consider eliminating one or two of the more abberant members in order to avoid creating any more Chaos than there already is.

The Cotillion also would like to also call into question the wisdom of letting The Five near Your Most Holy Selves, even for one minute. Not only is it becoming increasingly apparent that no one can predict what will happen in their presence, but now that some of their number have tasted the power You have accorded them, we fear that they might start to get Ideas...

We beseech You - please stop this madness before it consumes everything: You, me, the Desk, the Cotillion, the multiverse. No good can possibly come from allowing this charade to continue.

Yours,

I.Prim



Monday, November 28, 2011

Episode 49b: Flashback in Baator

The Jade Scarab watched as the rest of the God Squad was sent, one after another, to follow Dolorous and Captain Bonkers into the Abyss. He was the tiniest bit anxious, but that was only to be expected. The thing that worried him the most, however, was that every time Mr. Prim consulted the construct on the Desk and sent another team member shimmering into the Beyond, a small tic reappeared just above his right eye.

Something has him concerned, thought the Scarab. I must make myself ready for the improbable.

When, a few moments after Stonehenge's silhouette flickered out of sight, the headless corpse of Holth (Death of Giff) evaporated, Mr. Prim rose up from behind his desk. For the first time since he'd known him, the Jade Scarab detected a tremor in his voice. Prim's smoke-lensed glasses, however, prevented the Scarab from getting a clear reading on his true emotions.

"There is a situation," Prim said, rising from The Desk. "You're needed in Baator, the first level of the Nine Hells. There you will seek out the afterlife forms of Holth, Aramis and..." Prim paused, looking like he was about to vomit up the very next word, "Snooki."

The Jade Scarab steeled himself. A solo rescue assignment. He could do this.

Half an hour later, the Jade Scarab was sitting in a hot, sulferous cavern with a glazed, bemused look on his face. He had just killed Aramis with his Dagger of Healing, and was currently watching the body of a five-headed dragon in chains being dragged towards a massive, glowing portal by hundreds of chitinous scorpion/spider hybrid monstrosities. Aramis' shade was hovering nearby, whispering just loudly enough to be heard over the din: "pantsss.... i want yourr paaaaaantsssss....". Holth's animated, headless, slime-covered corpse stood next to the animated, far-too-tiny-bikini-clad, slime-covered corpse of Snooki.

That was the moment he realized the true meaning of the phrase "I am in Hell."




Meanwhile, on another layer (the 632nd, actually) of another evil plane (the Abyss - go figure?), Dolorous, Stonehenge, The Enigma, Koresh, Bonkers and his troupe of dwarves (hi hooooooo!) found themselves explosively transported inside what appeared to be a hot, steamy temple. Pool of magma. Five-headed dragon inlays. Living, pulsating, chocolate-seeping (is that ¢hº¢o£ªte? Gºds I hºpe it's ¢hº¢º£ªte!) walls.

The Tumblers of Improbability clicked over.

Up ahead, a commotion was heard. The Enigma, Stonehenge and Captain Bonkers climbed a short, wide staircase to investigate. Koresh tried to BAMF. Dolorous readied her Pick of Extreme Digging.

As a shadowy, multi-limbed denizen appeared at the end of a tunnel, shrieking in rage and blood-curdling wroth, the party did what it always does when things get dicey: stand back and let a gnome work.

Dolorous raised the pick.

She rolled a 30.






Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Episode 49a: Oh, Yes It Could



Koresh quickly assessed the situation: He hadn't seen Aramis' shade since they'd entered the cavern and had to assume the worst. Holth's headless body had just taken a nasty spill after attempting to head-butt Tiamat's blue dragon head, while The Jade Scarab had been stomped on by a giant and was probably dead. Dolorous was lying in a pool of the Balrog's magma blood and wasn't moving - and he could swear he smelled her burning hair over the fiery stench of brimstone...

And he? Well Koresh seemed to be having it much easier than the rest. He was merely clinging for dear life to Dolorous' Pick of Extreme Digging as it was being shaken vigorously by the Balrog who, it must be said, seemed to be recovering quickly from the pair of flesh wounds dealt him previously by both he and his sister.

"All in all I'd have to say victory was within our grasp," Koresh thought to himself.




Monday, November 21, 2011

Episode 49: It Could Not Possibly Get Any Worse, Could It?

There are questions you should never ask*, because there's a distinct possibility that someone out there in the multiverse will answer it...

Everthing was going smoothly or the former members of Der Chelonian Mobile Enterprises. Having been recruited by a number of local deities and promoted to 'hemi-god' status, our intrepid adventurers had merrily, if not improbably, made their way down to the 142nd layer of the Abyss. Once there, they not only set about tracking down the leader of a fairly small (by Abyssal standards) realm, but they also managed to (even MORE improbably) blast him out of existence.

This casual coup d'état also served to place Koresh on the throne of a small yet geographically enviable piece of land, surrounded by bloodthirsty enemies, and with few (if any) resources to draw on for the overwhelming demonic invasion that almost immediately ensued.

*Should they stay and defend this nascent realm?

*"Why the heck not?" was the ominous reply.

So what happened next was what Abysstorians will forever refer to as 'the Battle of New South Waco': where a ragtag group of adventurers, conscripts and last-minute allies defeated three separate invading armies; where Koresh was transformed into the demon-winged, tiger-skinned deity/ruler of the realm; where he thereby defeated a draconic general of Tiamat's army in single combat and absorbed his armies; where he then used said general as a weapon (wielding him by his testicles) to behead a different general (and thus absorbing her armies); and where Stonehenge used love's sweet inspiration to drive a shambling, gibbering horde of invaders from the realm.

The field was won.

The day was saved.

And a period of Peace and Plenty was declared for as long as it took the victors to party and pass out... twice.

It was at this point in the revelry that The Enigma, not used to Strong Drink (or Le Tournedos de Stench Kow et son Ragoüt de Chimpanzee å la Béarnaise, for that matter) climbed the Rickety Staircase of Consciousness, rummaged through the Untidy Attic of Reality and asked with a groan:

*"Where's my head?"

It was at precisely that moment that Stonehenge looked up from his Le Carre d'Agneau Roti et son Jus au Romarin et Flan l'Ail and saw an assassin at the window. But keen eyes and swift actions are nothing when compared to the God Squad's Improbability Vortex, and The Enigma's head returned to the scene just in time to intervene and deflect a Dagger of Truly Horrible and Soul-Destroying Venom as it was headed for Dolorous' spine. Stonehenge and Koresh tracked down (with appropriate comedy) the assassins and dispatched both (with extreme prejudice).

The Enigma then got his act together (along with his body and his head) to See with the Light of One Million Clarities and violently punch Dolorous' fork out of her hand. The fork, it turned out, was no normal fork; it was a Fork of Eternal Thanksgiving. Had she continued to eat for just a few more minutes she would have weighed as much as a small star.

Thankful for the reprieve, Dolorous decided to repay The Enigma's kindness by poking The Fork with her holy, anointed silver Fist of Vishnu.

*"What could it hurt?" she asked.

*"What happens if she rolls a one?" thought the DM.

Meanwhile, Koresh was having a tough time of it. Catching up to the whirling sand/obsidian storm that was Stonehenge, he watched as his friend clumsily (yet thoroughly) interrogated the two blonde assassins. But rather than turning it into a workable (if a little derivative) scene from Penthouse Forum, ("Dear Penthouse Forum, You'll never believe what happened to me while chasing down assassins in the jungles of the Abyss last night...") Stonehenge botched it by sandblasting the both of them, scouring every bit of soft, supple flesh from their bones and incorporating thousands of bone fragments into his ever-growing storm field.

It was too much for Koresh to bear.

Eyes rolled. Spittle formed. Muscles convulsed. A rant was formed and Koresh, seized with self-righteousness, brought down his fury on Stonehenge for killing without permission in his realm.

Stonehenge, sick of the self-important posturing of this overinflated gnome gave him the back of his hand.

*"What happens if he rolls a one?" thought the DM.

Within the temple, the Fist touched the Fork.

Without, the Hand slapped the Face.

Ones were rolled.

An explosion...







Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A New Wacko in New South Waco

Hello, dear readers - this is Honus Blaedewraithe coming to you from the newest realm on the One Two Seven - New South Waco! I'm sitting here with the hot new head in town, Koresh - who has catapulted into power by besting the former head of the former Sri Raji in single combat and now sits comfortably on the throne having defended his nascent realm from a trio of invasions, all on the same day! And as usual, your Honus is first on the ground with this rising star.

Nocturne in Black - When did you first realize you wanted to rule a portion of the Abyss?
Koresh - Thank you for asking, Honus. I'd like to say that the good entities of NSW have been incredibly supportive during this time of transition, and I'd like to extend my innardsfelt appreciation to everyone, especially those who took up arms in support of the cause. And I'd like to welcome the new members of our family, as well, from neighboring realms--welcome, new New Waconeers. This really is a family, where I am the father and you are all my children, to be loved and cherished, or alternately punished, according to your performance, which let me assure you is being reviewed at this very moment, as are your actions of this and every day, beneath my unceasing eye, which sees and knows all, unceasing, untiring, and aware of your every thought before its even fully formed. Anyhoo, for me, I guess it happened during a particularly gruesome battle not long ago, when I realized I was trapped in a cycle of never-ending depredation, mayhem and slaughter. I thought, there has to be more than this, right? And that's when I conceived the idea of a much larger, never-ending cycle of depredation, mayhem and slaughter.

NIB - Which of your powers/talents would you say was most instrumental in your ascension to the throne of Sri Raji (now known as NSW?)
K - As you may or may not know, I serve Chaos, and I've had a good run behaving in utterly unpredictable--some say incomprehensible--ways. In return, my Masters may or may not grant me something, or nothing, or take something away that I never even knew I had. It's fun! And it sure keeps everyone around me off-balance and in a constant state of near-panic. We have a good time.

NIB - Do you see yourself as an up-and-coming demonic overlord or as a quaint, provincial head of state?
K - Do not presume to understand me, pale wraith! For in New South Waco a new realm is forged! Was ever one born a humble venomous squidworm so angry? Nay, nay I say! New South Waco shall be as none before, and none alike shall come after for there shall be none with the balls, as if they attempt I shall crush them between two of our judiciously applied mighty hams. Already, we have effortlessly driven our enemies before us--listen! listen! Still you can hear the lamentations of their women! Look, now, look, and be afraid! All shall look upon me and despair.

NIB - Do you have any intention on ransoming Lord Fangwang back to Tiamat?
K - Here's a fun fact, Honus: Did you know that during the Liberation of New South Waco, I not only captured Fangwang's entire army intact and suborned them to my will, but I had Fangwang eat the head of Nyarla. That's a good question, though, and I appreciate it. Let me answer by saying that I think a lot of beings are going to be surprised by what I think are some of the really dynamic, paradigm-changing monetary and economic policies we're already working toward in NSW. You can expect us to be a veritable dynamo of innovation and invention in coming epochs, and I'd like to take this opportunity to personally invite you to come back to our New Ideas in New South Waco economic summit we have planned for next month. I think there will be takeaways on fiduciary control, infrastructure investment and broader central bank involvement in a tripartite realm that your readers will really appreciate.

NIB - Can you tell us anything more about the relationship between one of your commanders and Xxxena the Fertile?
K - We have some projects we're working toward together, and we do have a military liaison in place. Xxxena's a great, great gal and I wish her all the best.

NIB - A number of your neighbors have detected great power fluctuations from within your realm. Can you assure everyone that nothing, shall we say, 'unstable' is happening within your domain?
K - Oh no, I'd never say that. We have some serious high-energy magic going on over here and I'd hate for anyone to think we didn't know about it. We do have it fully contained, though, and as long as no one disturbs any member of the Ebon Circle in their concentration, there will be no chance of a cataclysm the likes of which has not been seen since the universe was a-borning. Actually, that's not entirely accurate--they tell me they have some containment release program and complete containment failure isn't possible; the problem is that what they release is some kind of Black Matter, and while you're OK when it goes up, it could come down anywhere. Literally anywhere! I mean, apparently anywhere in the multiverse! No--don't even try to ask me any more, I don't even really understand what I just said, I just know it'd be bad for someone. Most of this I inherited from Nyarla--she was into some seriously kinky shit, but I liked what I saw and threw some more eggheads at it. So, as even I don't know who all the members of the Circle are, we all go around pretty quietly.

NIB - And finally, what is your favorite color?
K - Wow, that's actually a hard one. Ummm...gray.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Episode 48: The Battle for New South Waco

Lord Fangwang hovered over the companies of Abyssal Hordelings at his command and allowed a large number of teeth to show in an obscene, demonic grin. From his high vantage point among the rust-colored clouds of Scracthulon, he could see that Sri Raji was vulnerable; all magical wardings and barriers had been destroyed along with the realm's former potentate. Now the not inconsiderable acreage lay ripe for plundering, like the bloated corpse of a stench kow. The agzboéfgrzunder gnome may have gotten lucky with Arijani, but there was no way that mere luck could withstand the force of 4 Abyssal legions, thirsting for blood and ready for war.

Like taking candied pancreas from a bebelith, he thought to himself. This is going to be easy.

Nyarla felt a tingle of pleasure - that rare, cool pleasure of anticipation - at the thought of a new lord of Sri Raji. Arijani had rebuffed her so many times that she wondered if all those rumors were indeed true. Just because powdered tiger wang was an intense aphrodisiac didn't mean that actually HAVING one made you any more - oh, well, never mind. He was gone now, apparently in a puff of roiling, boiling steam, and Nyarla could only hope that his successor was ready to face the full force of her hot, steamy attentions - once, of course, she had marched in with her Demonids and slaughtered all that stood in her way.

She figured it would all be over before lunch. She was even leaving her beloved octophants behind...

Kfboebs flubbled egstastically in his new pseodphlange. He knew, deep withing the core of his pulsulating ectoclore, that the vile solidoform that had taken up residence in the neighboring domain was no match for He and his Kblobs. As He led them from the stinking pools that served as the breeding grounds of Puddle City, His recently-modified razorcles glinted frubjously in the Abyssal twilight. He could not wait to claim more territory with which to breed more Kblobs and eventually turn the whole of this layer into one gibbering mass of mouths, tentacles and slime glands.

It would be glorious. It would be quick. It would be over before the buffering slimes dried out on His new razorcles.

I really MUST remember to thank Khglingula for these, he thought. They are sure to come in handy this night...





Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Episode 47: Horror Vacui

From the desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.

Senior Reprobate, First Class

The Naugahyde Cotillion

To the emmissaries of the following dieties:

_____________

_________

____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)

_______

_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie

___________________________________________


Report 2, Code 1-1 A.

The God Squad (formerly Der Chelonian Mobile Enterprises ) have, as I'm sure Your Eminences have heard/forseen, obliterated Arijani, High Lord of Sri Raji. Not only have they managed to slay an Abyssal Lord outright, in his own plane, (and in his bathrobe, for that matter) but they have also achieved a number of outstanding/improbable/worrying (circle one) outcomes on the Higher Path.

To whit:

A) Koresh, having personally slain Arijani, has been installed as the 665th Lord of Sri Raji. While this may not be exactly what Your Eminences had in Mind(S), one has to credit Koresh for a certain impeccability of style - especially considering the ancient and eldritch prophecies regarding the permanent powers and immortality to be bestowed upon the The One to be crowned as the realm's 666th Lord. Koresh will need an extreme run of luck to survive more than a few hours once word of Arijani's demise gets out.

B) Having instantaneously received news of Arijani's demise, the neighboring Abyssal Princes and Lords immediately set out to fill the ensuing power vacuum. Fortunately for the Squad, The Enigma finally tapped into the Innerconnected Consciousness of Pure Crystal Mind and produced a number of Doves of Radiance, using them to great effect vanquishing a number of invading Outer Demons (and quelling more than a few inner ones as well.) The Enigma may be a key figure in the (probably short) future of New South Waco (tentative realm title) as his powers seem to be attuned to negating the local forces of both Chaos and Evil.

C) More worryingly, however, is the Power Surge unleashed by Ms. Haze. With Koresh swallowed (by his own ineptitude?) by a portal to an unknown layer of the Abyss, and with Stonehenge beset by a triad of demons, Ms. Haze attempted to disrupt matters by using a powerfully magical pick to break open the temple floor. Instead she managed to open a rift straight through innumerable layers of the Abyss, and in the process swallowed the triad of demons whilst rescuing Koresh from his demonic hiatus, but not before conferring him the power of demonic flight.

So all in all, just another day at the office for The God Squad.

Please let me know if and when I should intervene, either on Your Esteemed Behalves or for the good of the multiverse in general.

Yours,

I. Prim





Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Episode 46: Koresh Bobs His Hair

Captain Bonkers blinked.

Dolorous sighed.

The egg came to rest, yet everything else was set in motion...
Even as Captain Bonkers set into the egg with his Axe of Unusual Size, the Universe was setting up the pins to fall. Bonkers heaved, the axe arced forward and...

BBOOONNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

The egg cracked. It opened up. And out flowed a wave of octarine light.

Riding that wave, like the Bethany Hamilton of The Abyss, was Koresh. A grassy path flowed from under his feet. Flowers bloomed wherever he stepped. A small throng of curved-blade wielding followers surrounded Koresh and awaited His word in order that they might do His bidding.

"Let's go in." saith Koresh.

So they went in.

The Enigma, Captain Bonkers and Dolorous Haze followed, cloaked in fear and trepidation. What had come over Koresh? Was he THAT much closer to apotheosis? If we continue to make sniggering comments about his height, will his followers fall upon us in a murderous, holy rage?

And where WAS Stonehenge?

All these questions quickly left everyone's mind once they stepped inside the temple. It was quiet. TOO quiet. After all, a quarter of the rear portico had been destroyed by Koresh's sneeze - didn't this place have guards?

Dolorous found out quickly that it did. Only they weren't exactly among the living. The first one she encountered was lying in a pool of blood and was neatly sewn up the back with a heavy gauge pink thread. The Enigma found one that offered at least a little resistance - but when it tried to employ a blowgun, blood sprayed from a series of clever perforations in its chest to spraypaint a smiley face on the marble floor. The Enigma and Dolorous pondered at what kind of fiend could commit such bizarre (yet stylish) crimes on two poor, defenseless evil temple guards.

Koresh just sent his bodyguard into the next room.

The next few minutes found the party confronting a REALLY powerful sun disc, a very scantily-clad woman on a tapestry and the clamorous din of battle as Koresh's guards discovered the part of the temple guard who hadn't already been horribly (yet stylishly) slain. One brief bit of battle later, the field was won, and as The Enigma quietly reconnoitered the side chamber of the temple, Koresh pressed on through the main doors and found...

Arijani.

The vile and contentious master of Sri Raji opened the doors and entered the room. He was obviously caught up in his own thoughts: wrapped in a robe and toweling off his orange and furry face, he barely had time to register the scene of carnage before him. With one swift, feline motion he dropped his towel, swore under his breath and turned to flee the room. He got almost 15 feet into the next room before Koresh pounced at the opportunity and leveled his Forked Finger of Doom. "Take THIS," he purred, as he unleashed a fiery, icy twist of destructive power straight into the evil lord's back.

Then he rolled a 30.

Neither Koresh, nor the realm of Sri Raji would ever be the same again...


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Episodes 44, 45: The Beasts Within

As the dark priestesses circled in and were joined by more weretigers, Dolorous thought it was time to call in reinforcements. With a flick of the magical talisman, Koresh appeared in the middle of Habib's Spiced Meats stall in the city bazaar. Deftly assessing the situation (with some screaming assistance from Captain Bonkers) Koresh unleashed a flurry of cutlery on the assailants in an effort to save the day.

Unfortunately, Koresh's one follower, Rodant Kapoor, was soon after called into the plane at a great height above Habib's. He plummeted through the genuine imitation silk awning and into a pan of hot frying oil, and hilarity ensued.

It remained to Captain Bonkers to save the day, and after a rampage of random proportions (sparing not even Koresh or Dolorous from the axe) all was soon a quivering heap of gore at his feet, and there was much rejoicing.

It was then that the weretigers gathered the party together and led them to a ramshackle apartment at the base of Temple Hill. There they were informed that the overlord of Sri Raji, Arijani, was a foul, evil-spirited collector of all things malevolent and mighty. It was believed that he had somehow obtained part of Dolorous' soul, and the group of weretigers, who want to be rid of Arijani, are willing to help the party in their quest if they will strike down Arijani in return.

To that end, they have reforged the porcelain and silver tiger Dolorous recovered into the Fist of Vishnu - a powerful silver weapon that can strike down Arijani where he is most vulnerable...

The next day, the four adventurous heroes head out to the temple. Kapoor was sent in to reconnoiter as Koresh led the others to the rear entrance. A holy fit of sneezing caught Koresh unawares, and the resulting expulsion eradicated an entire section of the temple wall, revealing a great golden egg within. 

As the egg began to roll out of the temple and toward the party, Dolorous recognized the need  to make herself scarce and assess the situation.

Captain Bonkers stood transfixed - hypnotized by what looked to be about three years' worth of deep mining...

Koresh was surprised and stunned - and frozen right in the egg's path. Only a large, Stonehenge-shaped flash of light told Dolorous that he probably wasn't crushed to death. Only my brother, she thought, could just stand there in the path of a ten-ton golden egg and have something good come of it...

And when the egg rolled over him, only a distant thundering sound and a flash of octarine light told her that something had happened, that things weren't exactly what they seemed.

And as the egg rolled over the Koresh-shaped hole in the hillside before coming to rest in a garden shed, a dozen local villagers emerged from the surrounding jungle. It was apparent that they had observed the tableau, and as they approached what was left of Koresh, they began muttering, chanting something amongst themselves. 

They circled his prone body when, with a start, Koresh coughed and began to move. The villagers cried out and began to gesture wildly amongst themselves while chanting "Kalki! Kalki!! Kalki!!!"

"Oh, damn," Dolorous cursed under her breath as she emerged from her hiding place. "This is JUST what we need..."



Monday, September 19, 2011

Episode 43: The Heart of Darkness

(from a tattered bit of parchment found stuffed into the shoe of a dead, homeless gnoll who had frozen to death on the streets of Voleficium, The City of Undying Bureaucracy)...

The last bit that was Xoe Dolorous Haze had contained in a vessel that teetered on Undeath and summoned by The Desk to an obscure outer plane along with her former friends associates cohorts. Recruited to the Golden Path, these eight seven six five potential heroes gods have been sent to the 146th 142nd (Flo - could you check into this? Thx) level of The Abyss to a hot, steamy city in the midst of the jungle realm of Sri Raji. (Been there. Not nice.) It would appear that part of Dolorous' soul has been collected by the local _________, a known ___________ with the power to __________, ___________, and the horrifying ability to _______ your _________ without your knowledge. (who would DO that to someone?!?!?)

Haze and Captain Bonkers (I love love LOVE this guy!) have been sent in to reconnoiter before calling in the rest of the God Squad. The Captain has already soiled himself and slain a potential ally in a were_____, but his initial jittery fear is understandable in a place like this.

They also watched silently as the abovementioned were_____ broke an innocent woman's neck, but at least they had the presence of mind to loot her body afterwards.

All in all they are progressing nicely, but the vile priestesses of Kali may soon put an end to that.

Will send more updates as actions dictate.

Official signature, seal, yadda yadda yadda...

Could you type this up and have it on my desk by 2? I'm trying to get out of here for a big Cripple Mr. Onion game in Sigil tonight. Thx.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Episode 41: A New Beginning...

From the desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.

Senior Reprobate, First Class

The Naugahyde Cotillion

To the emmissaries of the following dieties:

_____________

_________

____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)

_______

_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie

___________________________________________


Report 1, Code 1-1 A.

The members of Der Chelonian Mobile, after their Most Recent Brush with Death, were congregated on the Plane of Dust by The Desk itself and I debriefed the members on their promotions to hemi-god as well as enlightening them as to their new Identities. Let the record show this as the assignation of their new røles in the Permanent Record, so that Your Most Eminent Persona(e) may refer to this Report as a convenience in your all too busy lives(es).

DER CHELONIAN MOBILE (Defunct)

Xeno --> KORESH Bonding with his Weapon has caused KORESH to assume dual personalities. Normally, this would be considered a hinderance.

Xoe --> DOLOROUS HAZE Her near-death experience was nearer than most. She is well on her way to degenerating into a Shade. Still has the ability to alter her future depending on her actions and die rolls.

Takemiya Smith --> THE ENIGMA The once-headless, soul-stripped monk should feel at home in his new incarnation. Adding more chaos to his oeuvre may prove to be too much, however.

Saladin --> STONEHENGE His knack for earth-based talents is much enhanced in his new persona. As long as he stays out of the skies he should progress nicely.

Kobayashi Jones --> THE JADE SCARAB Once a novice, this 'healer' can progress into the ranks of the dieties as long as he doesn't kill all of his friends first.

Ragnar the Impetuous --> CAPTAIN BONKERS Could win the race to Valhalla, if only via killing everyone else in the multiverse first. We may, *may* have made a mistake on this one.

Holth --> THE DEATH OF GIFF Seeing as we did not actually choose or create this persona, we cannot be held responsible for what ensues. We've checked with a number of lawyers on this.


After assuming their new personas, the group was given their first assignment: the capture or killing of the Clown Rreebbaassssoooo. The Desk brought them to his Insidious Sirkus in Hades, and, after some merriment, the Clown was terminated with Extreme Prejudice.

Highlights, for your Eminences:

THE ENIGMA managed to decapitate himself again (as well as defootinate himself, twice). A miniature vehicle of Foreign Make, as well as some Fire Weasels were used, to great comick effect.

THE JADE SCARAB managed to, while in Scarab form, be shot from a cannon and kill THE DEATH OF GIFFS. To great comick effect.

DOLOROUS HAZE managed to terminally depress The Clown Rreebbaassssoooo.

And KORESH delivered the coup de grace, via sharpened helmet, to the groin. Not for the first time. or the second, it is believed. And, (would you believe it?) actually managed to Progress towards his path to apotheosis.

STONEHENGE and CAPTAIN BONKERS were not engaged in this mission. It is hoped they will participate in the next.


If your Esteemed Personages would be so kind as to direct me as to where they'll be going next I shall relay the information in a timely manner.


Yours,

I. Prim

Monday, August 15, 2011

Episodes 39 & 40: Xoe's Last Hope

After two days in space, the Dragonfly and Tradesman had finally reached Rachhakka Kuunka, the lizardman's planet. As Takemiya reported that he was being taken into a descending path around the night side of the planet, Saladin ordered Xoe, Ragnar, Takemiya, Kobayashi and Holth to act as an away team and reconnoiter as they saw fit. He (along with the comatose Xeno and the Guidos) would keep a safe distance above the harbor where they could watch and give aid if needed.
Saladin would soon learn there are no safe distances...

Moments after docking near the Deathspider, an ancient lizardman priest emerged from a large triangular building and began to gesticulate towards the Tradesman. Lacking a both docking papers and a translator, Kobayashi cast a Charm Person on the poor old coot, and Holth convinced him (through a rather comic pantomime) to come aboard and be bludgeoned into unconsciousness. Ragnar and Xoe proceeded to loot the coot to the sum of some gems and a mysterious pawlike amulet.

Funny how, in retrospect, no one ever even suspected that the amulet might've had something to do with what followed...

At this point, 8 lizardmen were observed hauling a great cube of cargo out on a palanquin. It seemed to be made up of smaller wooden cubes and was headed for the cargo ramp of the Deathspider. Takemiya decided to go invisible and have a closer look, which (of course) meant delivering a leg sweep to the hindmost lizardman, causing him to stumble and fall. The palanquin reeled as the rest tried to maintain balance, but just before the load tumbled into the water, the crew steadied the load and trampled their poor, fallen comrade to death.

Seeing this from above, Saladin decided to wake up Xeno and update him on the situation. Xeno, steeped in nightmares, low on blood sugar, and drenched in a baconey sweat, hurtled himself to the deck of the ship and, peering down, made a well thought-out decision based on a wealth of factual evidence and a sound understanding of tactics.

He grabbed Saladin and Aramis by the hands and shouted "Dave! Take us down there!"

In his haste, Xeno hadn't noticed that the clouds were beginning to circle around the ship in a manner that more than slightly signified the approach of a Time Storm. Not that that would've helped matters much, but it did, along with his sister's acquisition of a gnarled monkey paw, start to explain the die rolls that followed.

{30} Xeno, Saladin and Aramis found themselves in the belly of the Deathspider. Boxes and boxes lay stacked around them, a warehouse of cubic proportions. On the other side of the room, through an open door, they could see the palanquin being hauled into the ship. Aramis began praying to Iryien. Xeno pulled out Dave and began sneaking towards the door. Saladin began teleporting unknown cargo of evil origin into the hold of his ship without giving the remaining crew any advanced notice...

Outside the ship, Takemiya waited until the palanquin was well inside the hold before quietly and invisibly making his way up the ramp, and {1} setting off a trap. With a BZZZTTT!!!! he found himself hurtled upwards and plastered to the ceiling, unable to move. Two lizardmen were alerted to the trap, but are confused as to why they didn't see a victim. They explored the ceiling with their spears and lo! blood started to drip from an invisible being! An intruder! As the lizardmen started to 'explore with extreme prejudice', Kobayashi raced up the ramp to save his dying mentor. He cast a Hold Person on the lizardmen, but {1} the spell rebounds and froze Holth instead.

Meanwhile, Xoe was looking for a quieter entrance into the Deathspider, and found one significantly higher up. She silently clambered up and over the scorched grillwork of the exterior of the ship to where Ragnar had earlier blown a hole in the hull. She cautiously peeked through the shattered wall of the spider and saw... Hundreds of crates. Thousands of boxes. Whatever it was that these lizardmen were dealing with, they were dealing wholesale. Knowing Chang Kai Eel and Fundus were involved only added to the overall sinister feel to whatever these boxes held. Xoe scanned the chamber and performed a little math in her head. What was it that Xeno had said about calculating spherical solids? And why did she remember something about pie? Well, the hold was certainly big enough and she'd always to try out that Wand of Fire...

At that exact moment, Xeno had successfully snuck up behind the lizardman who was hauling the last crate of the day into the hold. He was looking forward to tomorrow, his first day off in a fortnight; he and his wife were heading to the temple to gain the high priest's blessing for their new clutch of lizlets. Seven new mouths to feed had caused him to take on the extra hours, but at least for one day he'd be able to relax, put his feet up and-

Xeno looked down at the dead lizardman and noted with interest that their brains were a lovely shade of green. "Well then," he thought, "time to just hop up on top of these boxes and {1} aaaarrgghhhH!" An avalanche of boxes threatened to bury Xeno - only the fact that a few broke open allowed him any respite. A chill slunk its way up his spine, however, once he realized that he was in serious danger of being overwhelmed by a sliding mound of lizardman condoms...

Ben Firenze was a changed man. Not only had he survived a Time Storm, but he had been ravaged by Temporal Weevils and nearly slain by a Clockwork Golem. He had been left for dead twice, and was now looking for those damned gnomes to give him a ruddy good piece of his mind. It was easy to pick out Xeno's Lifeline - his was the only one he'd ever seen that had a polka dots - but following it had proved a little problematical. Traveling on the Temporal Prime was fairly easy over short distance, but moving between planets was fraught with peril. One wrong step and you pop out inside a star and then it's "Bye, bye bacon!" But Ben took his time. He'd plotted it out. He planned to emerge on Xeno's ship, which was safely docked and unguarded at the moment...

Ben stepped out into the humid night. He turned just in time to see the figure of Xoe silhouetted against the open bay of a giant spider ship. He had taken one step towards her when he noticed her pulling a wand from her pack. "Xoe, you're not stupid enough to cast a fireball onto an enclosed space like that are you?" he whispered under his breath. He sighed, and prepared a Slow Time spell, just in case.

Xoe leveled the wand at the crates of insidious cargo.

She rolled a one.

Boom.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Episode 38: Out of the Frying Pan...

Xeno didn’t remember much after the big bang. There was a flash of fire then… Myxlplyx? Really? It was so brief, and hazy. But the pain—the pain was crystal clear. Pain, and a feeling of melancholy as, bewildered and naked, he crawled out of some odd armor onto the deck of a ship that wasn’t Der Chelonian. He found a hatch and slumped into the hold, perhaps to die, naked and burned, clutching Dave like an ape with its cloth mother.

But he didn’t die. Hours later Xeno awoke to some sense of commotion above decks, and with a small cry of pain, forced himself off the deck. He was no stranger to waking up on the floor severely burned, but there was always something to show for it, for good or ill. This offered only agony, confusion and loss, no more. Xeno considered lying there some more, but the pain drove him to seek succor, which he found in a series of potions from a suspiciously (and now formerly) well-stocked aid cabinet.

With relief came clarity of mind, and confusion. First, what had happened? Gradually, an answer presented itself. Something had malfunctioned, dramatically, yet again.

“Why?” thought Xeno. “Why does everything go so horribly wrong? Every time? For everyone? Is there a group somewhere that drifts through life on clouds of rose petals, everything going right to balance it out? Why? Why us? Why me?”

In a flash, it came to him. “All I ever wanted to do was create fiendishly complex devices and occasional weapons of unearthly power, and use them for fun and personal gain. Yet every time, every time, something goes horribly awry. That’s not coincidence. It can’t be.” Looking back over he life, Xeno saw the pattern, again and again: any time he tried something complicated; it failed in the worst possible way. The SnakeStik. Reversible Automatic Armor. Electro-gloves. And, Gods, the horror of the Marshmellator. So much burning sugar. It was as if something in him introduced a chaotic element into every complex system he interacted with. And that was it: chaos.

“It’s me,” he said breathlessly aloud. “I…I am the chaos. It is in me. Disorder and randomness flow from my hands. I’ve always blamed failure on anything else, but all the time, it’s been me. I am the grit in the machine,” he said, louder. “I am the cat hair floating in the potion, the earwig in the trousers of destiny that pinches your inner thigh while you're pouring coffee, the pancake, syrup side down, that lands on your important parchment that just that minute after you sneezed off the table and onto the floor. I am the ruiner of diplomacy, the destroyer of agendas, the foiler of plots. I am chaos. Chaos!” Buckling on his last piece of mismatched gear, an eldritch energy began to crackle purpley about his still-singed skin, and a smell of ozone wafted from him. And burned hair.

“CHAOS!” he screamed, sprinting now for the stairs to the deck. “Ye Gods, Hear My Call,” he called, once under the stars. “Xeno calls You! What fools these mortals be, their machinations, their puny plans, their ideas of greatness, all no more than mayflies. Come, let us pour down upon them a great Disturbance, an unbalancing of that they have the nerve to call “life.” Ha! I am Xeno, and I have seen Beyond, and all there, is Chaos! Come, brothers; come, Dave; come, those who Listen, Above and Below, I call again upon Thee! I seek a righting of the scales, and then an explosion of the scales that couldn't possibly just have happened, because what part of a scale could conceivably explode? A third time now I Call, heed Thou my cry! I am Thy vessel, Thy vassal, Thy agent, Thy horse Thou may ride. Schemes shall be unmade, and those with the pride to make them shall be broken!"

"There is no justice. There is no vengeance. There are no great or small. There is naught, but Chaos, and I am he! It! Whatever! Aieee!


Saladin woke the whimpering gnome. He was covered in a sweat that reeked of mostly apples.


"We've just entered the atmosphere of the Lizardmen's planet. Xoe's taken a couple of the others down on the Tradesman to check it out. We're hovering about 500 feet above them with all lights out. She said to tell you that if something goes wrong, she'll send up a signal and that you'd know what to do."


As Saladin left him alone in his cabin, Xeno looked around, somewhat groggily. He was wearing what appeared to be a loincloth made from some sort of purplish pinstriped material. His pointy hat lay on the floor, Dave leaning on it while emitting a dull red glow. As Xeno stood up the room spun; it was apparent he hadn't eaten in days.


Suddenly, he heard a cry from the deck above. "Xeno! Get up here! It looks like something's about to happen!'





Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Episode 37: Iryien Ascends...

The Gods don't like to be fucked with.

They will tolerate some cheekiness from the odd mere mortal - more to relieve the boredom than anything - but they get seriously bent when they perceive that things are being taken out of their hands...

The Yet-To-Be-Named Dragonfly sidled up to the Yet-To-Be-Named Tradesman so that the two crews could make plans without wasting potted plants. A day and a half had passed, and this apparently low-speed chase was beginning to fray a few nerves. A heated discussion ensued, and it was decided that Xeno and His Portable Arsenal would utilize Dave's powers of teleportation to transport Xeno and Iryien onto the Deathspider.

Salayashi attempted to part the veils of time by using an old psionic discipline - seemingly lost since his crystalline transformation. He looked up ahead to dot of light where the Deathspider was and... felt a sense of loss. "One of them is not coming back," he said to himself, but before he could speak, Xeno and Iryien blinked out of existence...

The next thought that popped into Xeno's head was "SHHHhiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiIIIIITTTTT!" as he and Iryien bobbed up and down in the Deathspider's gravity plane. But before thought could interfere too much with his reality, Xeno unleashed his Fire Finger at the cracked and exposed side of the ship. But an all-too-familiar 'ptwaang' sound let him know that his backpack had malfunctioned again. As he looked up at the crewmembers scurrying towards the dual ballista, he saw them freeze and turn to marble. "Ha! According to plan!" he cried triumphantly, as he turned to Iryien. He was hoping to see her readying her Shoulder Cannon to finish them off, but instead she was, quite worryingly, mumbling to herself.

"Wha- Wait a minute... what Ice? Back where?"

Xeno cursed under his breath and attempted to slap her back to reality, but she merely doubled in size whilst losing some of her precious opacity. He could see the stars through her limbs and face. He cursed once again and turned his attention back to the ship. He could see two large, hulking figures clambering up to the ballista deck - followed by a couple of the hairiest, leggiest creatures he's ever seen. He shuddered convulsively for some reason - and much to his own surprise decided that these vile things must burn forthwith.

Deciding that burning wasn't too good for them, Xeno shot off both his acid and fireball fingerwands at the same time.

The Gods chose this moment to 'get one back'.

BOOM.

Back on the ships, a flickering halo of blueish light whizzed away from the Deathspider and towards the crews. Saladin felt a tingle - akin to a potpourri-laced feather tickling his very soul - as the light raced past and headed back towards Ata'ri.

Ragnar spotted an orange object tumbling towards them, which turned out to be a spacesuit that contained the charred remains of a gnome. Everyone fell silent. I daresay a tear was shed. It was then that Xoe recalled that she was in the possession of a Ring Of Far Too Many Wishes, and took it out of her pouch , holding a slim hope that it could save the day and restore her brother to life.

As she held the ring over the tip of her finger, she whispered with a shrug of fatalistic pessimism, "Well, it could always get worse".

The Gods had a mighty chuckle over that one. And then suddenly, it did.

The crew was instantly thrust before Lord Mytzlplyk, deep in the recesses of his hellish castle. Saladin dropped to the ground in a frozen panic, Ragnar hit Mytzlplyk in eye with carp, and Aramis suddenly found himself encased in body armor made of his own flesh.

As the for-a-very-short-time-restored-to-life Xeno was plucked up by Mytzlplyk and dragged towards his slavering maw, Xoe found herself holding an ice cream cone. She took a lick and said "Next time I'll leave him dead". She rolled 20. The Gods stopped laughing.

Iryien returned to the ships as the drifted through space. There was a great net of hyperreality surrounding them, and she could see clearly that her former companions had gotten in over their heads this time. Her heart warmed for a moment as she thought of them. Some of them tried so hard to become something great, something immortal. She hadn't tried at all, and yet look what happened... Perhaps this latest catastrophe would be enough to convince them to slow down, to be a little more careful, to think before using an intelligent weapon of devilish origins to teleport a vastly under-researched arsenal into the depths of space in order to attack a quasi-living creature who is safely ensconced on a highly beweaponed battleship.

Or then again, maybe not.

Either way, she reasoned, they can't say I haven't repaid my debt to them...

Iryien inhaled, and although she no longer had lungs to speak of, she exhaled a sweet, invigorating air over the two ships. Gone was the spacesuit and the smell of rancid bacon. No more were the crystalline forms of Salayashi. And neither was there a transsexual priestess on tight-fitting monk's robes. There were just the members of Der Chelonian Mobile, Incorporated, intact and as whole as the day Iryien woke up on their porch, looking for a job.

And there were now two pairs of Pants.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Episode 36: The Return For Takemiya's Head, Pt. 2

Takemiya sits at the helm of a Tradesman, in pursuit of both Fundus and the mysterious Black Silhouette, a being he largely suspects is the notorious Chang Kai Eel, Lord of the underworld of Undermountain.

Conflicting feelings raged all about Takemiya at this time - for although Eel has tormented DCM with his wicked machinations over the past few weeks, it was a mind-to-mind confrontation with the underlord that had freed the monk's soul from the Helm of Telepathy and deposited it (through a convoluted string of unlikely die rolls) into the body of an orc who has had his legs pulled into taffy by Salayashi and consequently cauterized into two gleaming lumps of green crystal. He couldn't help but feel a little grateful, even if the orc he was currently inhabiting does seem to be flatulent and riddled with fleas...

Iryien sits in a stateroom, surrounded by her new entourage - Sulians that have travelled to Lungfish Isle to bring her the news that the TEMPLVS IRYIENS has been completed. While slightly unnerved by her elevation to 'Hemi Goddess', she had to admit to herself that her skin had never taken on such a healthy glow in her life. She was certain that somehow, some way she had altered the flow of reality around her in the cavern, and had had been able to make things go rather nicely for herself for once...

Xoe stands behind Xeno as he sits in the helm of a scorched and sooty Damselfly, humming softly to himself, piloting the vessel from an elaborate titanium helm. Xoe rather enjoyed the surge of magical energies that she unleashed from the Wand of Fire; she felt a little thrill at being able to wipe out the vestiges of Fundus' guards and almost fry the big jerk himself. Theivery was nice, but that - that feeling... hmmmm...

Salayashi looks out at the stars. From the deck of the spelljamming ship he could see the tiny prick
of light that they were persuing. The Mindspider had a good head start, but he had two ships, and that HAD to be an advantage, if and when they caught up to Fundus and that thing... He forgot how much he had enjoyed Wildspace. Everything seemed simpler, clearer, more defined.

And now he could see in all directions at once.

Ragnar retched and roiled in the hold of the ship. "There's no air!" he screamed - or would have done, if he hadn't been so convulsed with fear, terror, horror and the screaming heebie jeebies. He rolled around, clutching his throat as the stars spun around him. Aramis sidled up to the twitching dwarf, eyeing his trousers and sizing up the situation.

"Haven'ta you been onna sheep before?" The sound of Aramis' voice - so close, so near his nearly defenseless pants - snapped him out of his panic attack.

"Why, yes," he huffed, pulling himself upright once again. "I do this stuff all the time."



The two ships stayed on course behind Fundus, Eel and the Mindspider. Holth seemed rather anxious about facing the ship in combat. Salyashi seemed rather anxious that Holth was anxious about combat. And Takemiya seemed just a tad worried that he didn't seem to be able to steer the ship...



Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Episode 35: The Return For Takemiya's Head, Pt. 1

Well, not an overly successful raid as of yet.

Our intrepid adventurers headed back into the mountain lair of Chang Kai Eel in order to retrieve Takemiya's soul-infested Helm of Telepathy only to be ambushed by a raiding party of orcs.

Where are all these orcs coming from? you might ask. As well you might, as they put a little hurt on DCM, Inc.

Holth took a rather nasty blow to the vitals from, oh wait, that was Xeno... Well, he was ALMOST skewered by a couple arrows from, oh wait, that was Iryien...

Well, at least Salayashi gained a new Crystal Minion - The Ruby Orc, if he gets out of here alive, looks to be the foundation of a promising art/theft scam that could rake in millions - or at least minions, if the die rolls keep coming in as they did on Tuesday night.

Speaking of die rolls, Salayashi has gained a stunning bit of 'double vision' after a roll or two went haywire. Perhaps you should consider purchasing the Union Suit of Many Colors?

I won't give any details here as I want to be there next week when the group explains to Peter what actually happened - DM

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Episode 34: "Depends" On How You Look At It...

It wasn't supposed to be like this (thought Iryien, thought Xoe, thought Saladin, thought the DM...)

You make something, create it, you control it... right?

"NOT ON THIS NIGHT", saith the gods...


Iryien looked on in helpless exhaustion as SALAYASHI hovered over her dying Sulian. Even as he raised the glowing, crystalline syringe up over his exposed, bacon-scented chest she had the feeling that all was lost, that all was gone from her, that she was just watching a movie - a bad one at that - I mean, couldn't they at least have gotten Peter Jackson to direct it? Even as the syringe was plunged into (insert Sulian's name here)'s heart and he reared up, turned red and attacked SALAYASHI, she let it unfold, watched it dispassionately, she saw her grip on the situation slip, like pants over the hips of an Italian...


Xoe saw things slipping too, as Porthos' flesh bubbled into the stones, melting away into nothingness at the hands of SALAYASHI, (Healer??? Really? He's killed more of our party than the enemy, for Baldur's sake!) she watched her brother calmly strip two frames of their less-than-priceless contents. Umbertino's Two Sheep Humping? Really? I mean, not only is it the least of his works, but sheep don't actually do it like that - not modern, up-to-date ones, anyway - and the less said about The Painter Of Light the better... Did he have any taste at all???

At least she had Aramis left to, oh wait, where was he?


Hmm...


Well, her remaining Guido was dry humping the air at the base of the eel statue. At least that was within the bounds of relatively normal acceptability...

Now Takemiya, on the other hand - he was in complete control - control of the statue as it's crotch opened to reveal a secret passage... control of the eerily glowing sarcophagi containing the underdeveloped simalcra of the entire DCM crew (plus a dwarf???)... incontrol, in fact, of the naked dwarf that was released when Xeno shattered the glass above the growing Saladin's sarcophagus, setting off a chain reaction of explosions, untimely clone-deaths and releasing into the world an angry dwarf with no pants on.


Which brings us to....


Xoe gripped Aramis by the few threads of clothing he had left. He had been caught up in an illusory tryst - one involving the cheap, tawdry woman of his dreams (at the base of a creepy statue in a dungeon under the stronghold of his mistresses' sworn enemy, but whatever...) when Xoe slapped him (perhaps a little too hard) and called him back from the edge - called him back into his clothes - called him back into...


His Pants.


Somewhere in the Void, Trouseronomous, God of Pants, saw a 20 being rolled and smiled...


Aramis felt his legs become encased in 3 square yards of heaven.


Purple seersucker heaven.


In fact, now that his legs, his buttocks, and his $5 footlong had become wrapped up in what can only be described as 'dream trousers', nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter...


Except the naked dwarf who had appeared from below and was now suspiciously eying his pants.


A melee ensued. This multiverse's first 'Pants Off', in fact.


And when the dust settled, and the dwarf's buttocks stopped quivering, one thing was certain: DCM had a new (old?) member, he was wearing the best +5 Protection v. Fire purple seersucker pants imaginable, Aramis was now fully his bitch, and Aramis was now completely unclad.


OK, so that was 4 things.


I really need to regain control of this campaign.