Episode 62: A Fool for the Citidel

As the group put the finishing touches on the demise of the citadel's diabolical headmistress, the robed guy with Xeno's memories detected a faint pinging alarum reverberating throughout the entire citadel. He pulled back from the glistening carnage and looked around. One slight, nondescript door beckoned to him. He opened it. There were stairs leading up.

And he was gone.

Having learned that you either follow Xeno or get left behind in Time, the robed guy with Ragnar's memories followed suit, and headed up the stairs as well. A latent monk and hidden priest tagged along, while Formerly Xoe and Hopefully Saladin Again looted the faceless wench. Saladin found her Hammerspace; and in it, a Jade Scarab.

That's when the fat, blobby guys attacked.

Retreating up the stairs, Saladin fended them off with urine. In the room up ahead, Xeno found the Lair of Eternal Shields. He took one off the wall and nothing horrible happened. Ragnar followed suit, burst into flames and grew a foot taller. He swung his shield with an aura of command that, had anyone been watching, would have been slightly impressive.

Xoe strode in, took a shield off the wall and merely burst into flames, grew a foot taller and kicked Ragnar's ass. Saladin put his head between two shields and heard a sound like a thousand Marshalls feedbacking. #deaf

Eventually, the group learned from one of the blobbily-shaped gentlemen that the citadel was under attack, and most definitely doomed. The only egress from the citadel (that didn't lead straight into the arms of Gylxel Glummdaår's invading forces) was an eldritch door that required three keys to unlock. The rather gloomy blob then shuffled off to meet his doom.

In the next room, the jade scarab that Kobayashi found came to life and lighted excitedly on a strange mirror...

Xeno, having discovered a number of alcoves each containing a strangely-bound humanoid, decided that the mirror was far more interesting. He hurled a stone at it and discovered that it was actually a gateway to an interdimensional mirrorworld.

Kobayashi, in an attempt to rescue one of the trapped humanoids, accidentally exploded the glass containment case, causing the poor being's jugular milking tubes to be ripped out; the end result being the 'rescuee' crashed to the floor and rapidly bled to death all over DCM's hapless healer. # bloodyhorror #pleasedon'thealmeI'mfinethanks

That's when Xeno leapt through the magic mirror, landing in the mirrorworld, and causing his evil twin (if you can believe that) to fall into the room with the rest of the party. A melee ensued. The evil twin was eventually subdued, but not before Ragnar took a porcupine to the face.

Xeno returned from the Other Side. With a strange, bronzen key...

Episode 61: The Matrix Reloaded

Meanwhile, back at the spaghettification of Koresh and The Enigma...

The two of them whooshed towards a seething quartet of triangles - the middlemost of which was blacker than Koresh's own heart - and he steered the two of them into it and ended up in a hotel kitchenette. There they found white tiles, blue liquids and more spatulae than you could shake a stick at.

And in the main room, on a bed between two doors, the King of All Dwarves Lays Sleeping. And of course, Koresh tried to wake him up. With liquids.

It didn't work.

Instead He exploded into feathers and two parrots appeared, offering a choice between GOD and HEAVEN...

After some tough questioning (and delicious pizza) The Enigma decided that meeting God is probably not the best career choice at the moment, and (thankfully for the entire campaign) chooses HEAVEN instead.

They find themselves reunited with the party, only everyone looks the same, seems to be carrying no more than a sword and a fancy necklace, and are confined to a rocky tunnel while being harassed by flying demons who appear to be carrying demonic lacrosse sticks.

There was much rejoicing.

This time Bonkers made the play of the day, throwing his entire necklace at the fiends, obliterating them and recovering two sticks - much to everyone's amazement. Further exploration showed that the door that led back to Lungfish Isle was no longer there - much to everyone's disappointment.

The only way out seemed to be back across the river. The River Styx.

Luckily, the old members of DCM Enterprises, with years of experience under their belts, were able to readily dispatch the orcs, commandeer the barge, and make their way up into the rocky citadel where they hurriedly dispatched the demoness who had at one time been Xeno's one true love.

Panting and heaving, the members of DCM now find themselves back at the beginning of things, with a world of experience behind them and unlimited raiding and looting potential in front.

Is that not heaven?

Episode 60: When is a 1 Not a 1?

The cosmos swirled around everyone as the blackness opened up and swallowed. Rotating whorls of light and (possibly) the beginnings of new Universes spun this way and that. Captain Bonkers found himself stretched impossibly thin as his feet were pulled at near-light speeds towards a particularly close-knit group of portals...

Good thing his head was closer than most.

With extreme effort, he guided  his feet towards a highly blue-looking portal. Two other unrecognizable party members seemed to, in their spaghettified and blueshifted state, consciously follow him towards their unknown fate.

The rest of the party split up and disappeared...

As the three shot through the portal at breakneck speed, the Jade Scarab closed his eyes and quickly summoned forth his inner Qi, using it to open The Third Eye of Emerald Openness. He peered through the portal and thought: "Wow, that's a LOT of hard, stony ground and it's coming on really qui-"

The Scarab hit the ground with a sound like a cow hitting the Great Wall at terminal velocity.

Dolorous bounced twice before landing in a pile of crumpled wings, smeared mascara and delicate chainmail accessories. The Captain landed rather deftly on his feet, and celebrated appropriately with arms thrust skyward, screaming his tribe's ancient battle cry:

Behind him, the Jade Scarab died.

But all was not lost. It didn't take long for the Captain to sense something.... amazing. Underneath him, there were rivers. Living rivers of gold. Proto-gold. The essence of gold. Bonkers could hear it's heartbeat filling his ears, burrowing hotly under his fingernails. 

He wanted it badly. He needed it. He invented the Cadillac in his head just so he could get outrageous rims for it with all the money he'd have if he could just... dig... it... 

Up.

Three things happened next, and all at the same time.

Dolorous tried to cast a spell in order to save the Scarab. The Scarab's soul, however, had already vacated the premises and had drifted miserably along to a point on the ground where the fabric of reality seemed to be thinning...


...which was because, while Dolorous wasn't exactly the best spellcaster in the world, her new demonic prowess allows her a certain leeway when it comes to the veil between the worlds...


...which Bonkers was looking to pierce with his double-headed axe, in order to get to the fantastic riches he could hear swimming below the surface of this vaguely familiar-looking rocky hillside...


So as Bonkers' axe broke through to the sentient proto-gold, it did so right where the Scarab's disembodied soul was lurking. Things exploded. Mingled. Congealed.


The next thing you know, the Jade Scarab had been resurrected as a 40-foot tall Living Proto-Gold Golem...

And because the Universe (at least the one occupied by Koresh, anyway) can never leave well enough alone, Dolorous discovered something sitting on the ground, right about the time crossbow bolts started to fly.

There was a cone of cold. Screams. And someone rolled a 1...

#dammit

#hateyouall

#backtothedrawingboard

Episode 59: Well, At Least We Got Off That Planet!

It all began so innocently.

It was a straight-up dungeon fight scene. The Squad had the higher ground (a stairwell) and superior firepower (draconic laser tubes), even if they were slightly outnumbered. And The Enigma had managed to not trample on Dolorous while firing upon (and exploderating) a skeleton.

Even Captain Bonkers managed an atypical display of dexterity, failing to trample Dolorous and firing upon (and hitting) Stonehenge. Probably even accidentally.

Stonehenge welcomed the change, as the giant troll's constant battering of him into the dungeon floor was getting old (and his hit points were in danger of falling below 50 - a worrisome spot indeed.)

But just when The Squad was poised to 'kick things into high gear', as it were, the nitpicking gnome of disaster began pulling at the thread of reality, and things began to fall apart.

It began, as it usually does, with Koresh.

Instead of the acid-breathing, forked-finger fonging tsunami of destruction that the Squad is used to (and actually is capable of planning for), Koresh paused for a moment to curl himself inward around his milky-white sphere. He began to pet it. The Enigma even heard the words 'my preciousssss' being uttered.

That wasn't helpful.

What also wasn't helpful was the dark, cowled wizard forking dual bolts of violet light at the stairwell. Not only did they cause Dolorous' BoomHaranging Bone Shards to utterly miss the mark, but they (most unhelpfully) caused the The Captain and Enigma (Love.... Love will keep us two gethuh...) dematerialize in a puff of purple static and rematerialize at the wizard's side, mer purplish clones of their former selves.

And, in rare and concerted effort to be helpful, the Jade Scarab crawled under the wizard's robe and was eaten by a Basket Imp.

It was at this point that Koresh built a small hut out of glowing skeleton bones.

(It should be noted that when the Jade Scarab crawled under the wizard's robe, he was, in fact, in scarab form. It would have been awkward, and probably against the rules of D&D to do it in human form.)

(Also, the Imp would have to have been much bigger.)

Anyway, having led the charge into Failsville, the Jade Scarab decided he'd had enough, and took it upon himself to right the ship - first by having himself vomited up by the Imp, and then by performing a barrel roll, a basket punch and a head squeeze to the wizard - considerably turning the tide in the Party's favor. In fact, things were going so well that when Koresh finally emerged from his exploding hut to attack the giant troll (having become bored with pummeling Stonehenge) he had the wherewithal to detect a slight disturbance in the fabric of reality...

Koresh was just able to gather everyone together when IT appeared.

Big. Dark. Malevolent. And a current employer, apparently.

It started asking questions like "Why have you strayed from the path?" and "What of the tasks we've given you?" After some nervous chitchat, each party member had a vision of the past/future...

...and were plunged into a Hellish cathedral.

(It was at this point things got really weird. The Enigma was turned into a salt lick. The Jade Scarab was cut in half by the Anti-Pope. Captain Bonkers went, well, bonkers and got stuck in - literally. And while the former gnomes stabbed and fonged their way into a winning position against the giant devil, The Enigma became the King of Evil Deer and, riding into the cathedral on the back of his hellish steed, delivered the coup de grace with a well-placed antler butt.)

Then everything went black.

Episode 58: How Many Time Zones Are There In The Known Universe?

Mr. Prim started blankly at the Vectroscope. It had been a Very Trying Week, and the distinct lack of 'plibs' on the Vectroscreen did nothing but magnify his annoyance. _ __ ____ The Ever Mightie had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that the Naugahyde Cotillion had "verrry littttle tyme" to locate the band of minor-league deities and get them back on the Path.

Prim had the tact and strong urge for self-preservation not to ask what would happen if they didn't, but he had a feeling that it would be more than the nullification of their company contract. He redoubled his efforts at the Vectroscope, leaning in over the glowing green screen, knuckles whitening on the control knobs, scanning, scanning....

plib.

At first, he couldn't believe his ears.

plib.

A quick check of the settings and a deft twirl of the tumblers assured him he wasn't just imagin-

plib. plib.

With what passed (for him) as a feeling of elation, he zoomed in on the quadrant, attenuated the Focusizer, and set the Pfhasiur to Stun.

plib. plib. plib.

"Got 'em," he whipered to himself, and to everyone, as he knew he was being observed.

"Athas. They're on Athas, your Eminences." Fingers whirred and tumblers tumbled. "Shall I take The Desk and go have a chat with them?"

"Nø," boomed a voice that came from the floor, the air, and everywhere in between (all at once). "¡ wi∫∫ ∂e@£ w¡†h †hem m¥$e£f."

There was a •pop!•, and the feeling that every other molecule in the air had ceased to exist. It was not an unpleasant sensation, but it went a long way to make one feel like one had been operating under unpleasant circumstances for longer than one had realized.

"Crazy bugger," Prim thought to himself. "Let's see HIM deal with that lot. They're so unstable, I wouldn't be surprised if they-"

Prim sat bolt upright, a strange, puzzled look crept over his face and under his dark glasses. His fingers didn't move, but tumblers tumbled in his mind.

With lightning speed and a sweat of anticipation, he threw himself at the Vectrometer, cranking and wheedling the contraption into maximum focus.

plib. plib. plib. plib. plib. plib. PLIB.

Prim had no idea what was going to happen next.

But he was sure as Hells going to watch.

Episode 57: Once Again, With A Little SOUL...

The rather unexpected battle with Snow Yellow was going unexpectedly well. Koresh had laid low all seven Militant Dwarves, and Captain Bonkers had finished off the last of the Dragon Guard. Dolorous was poised to make a deadly strike with her Dagger of Venom, and they might not even need Stonehenge to unleash his Earthquake (and most likely collapse the temple down around them).

Even the Jade Scarab had failed in his attempt to heal The Enigma to death.

It was all going so well. Too well, one might say.

In fact, it was going so well that when Dolorous pounced on Snow Yellow's neck and plunged the dagger into where she thought her carotid artery might be, she rolled a 30... and sealed her doom.

For as a great wound opened up in Snow Yellow's neck, revealing the black and tortured soul of a lesser Tanar'ri, Dolorous became disoriented for one fatal, giddy second.

The Dark beckoned to her, called to her...

This is a place to hide, it whispered in a voice over a thousand eons old.

"Why not?" retorted Dolorous, and she immediately withdrew into the dark, internal and infernal space inside the now-dying demoness.

The others watched in horror/fascination/blasé disinterest as Dolorous' form was pulled, spaghettified and sucked into the hole in Snow Yellow's neck. The Darkness swallowed her up, pierced her in a million places and exploded what was left of her consciousness inside the foul Abyssal fiend. As what was left of her soul clung to the idea of Dolorous/Zoe and battled with the last vestiges of Yellow's consciousness for possession of the body it froze, toppled over, and clattered to the floor of the hallway like a sickly mannequin.

As the two souls battled in the body for supremacy, Koresh quickly attempted a Break Enchantment spell on the demoness' body. An arc of magic leapt from his fingers to the dying tanar'ri and, for just a split second, caused the two battling souls to separate just long enough for...

...

...Stonehenge to step in. In one fluid motion he retrieved Dolorous' dagger from where it lay and started to chant the ancient and deadly words of the Druid Strike. He raised the dagger up, spoke the last eldritch phrase and

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brought the knife down and plunged it into the demon's body. On impact, the blade flashed red and a surge of power shot up through Stonehenge's arms and went, as should come as no surprise, straight to his head. Stonehenge was thrown back as the lifeforces of both Dolorous and Snow Yellow mingled and were pulled up through the enchanted dagger and straight into Stonhenge's very being.

A floating, golden crown appeared on the top of Stonhenge's head. He began to radiate a great and powerful aura. The Jade Scarab prostrated himself in front of the glowing red druid and began to babble "My Lord" most obsequiously.

Snow Yellow gave out a great scream and sat up with a start - and as everyone drew their weapons and pointed ensorcelled fingers in her direction and made ready to strike her down, she held both hands up and squeaked out with weak voice, unaccustomed to her new vocal chords...

"Don't shoot, guys. It's just me."

Episode 56: Li'l Bonkers Gets in the Mix

Somewhere in the depths of the temple, Tiamat was sleeping...

Well, not totally sleeping. Having been slain in avatar form, Captain Bonkers was now back in the blue neck of Tiamat, and he did not feel good. As his consciousness tried to come to terms with his physicalness, he decided that the process of being slain out-of-body and telepulted into the Dragon Queen's form was not a pleasant one.

He also wondered how many times it would be allowed to happen.

As the obdurate, stinging wasps of feeling slowly returned to the dragon's seven limbs, Bonkers noticed two things. One was that his bulk was laid out on a large disc of stone - one that seemed to be slowly rotating under a dull amber light. The distant wall seemed to be moving past at a crawl, and various glyphs of warding gave the sense of some serious protective magics.

The other thing he noticed was that somewhere, not to far away, one Hells of a melee appeared to be going on...

Li'l Bonkers, the animated-then-emasculated stone dwarf guardian of the temple had had enough in the way of paradigm-shifting events for one day. His sense of time may have been fuzzy, but he was pretty sure it had been eons since anything like this had happened to him. It was far more usual for a party of intruders to accidentally animate him and then die at his hands (or as would occasionally would happen when other party members tried to help, the hands of his magically-summoned twins) than it was to be so thoroughly humiliated like this.

For not only had he been whittled down to half his height by a rather surprising obsidian-laced sandstorm (who were these intruders, anyway?) but he was now being compelled by the meanest, largest, reddest one to skitter down the hall on his stumpy femurs and attack his old friends in the Dragon Guard.

Looking to make a big impression on his new employers, Li'l Bonkers headed towards the six heavily-armored, lasgun-toting Draconoids and... slipped. His velocity took him (not for the last time that night) into the heart of his adversaries, and while he took down four of the six, Koresh leapt into the chaos and coconutted the remaining two, causing their helmets to short-circuit and arc with strange, blue light.

Dolorous then flew in, and while she managed to deal some acidic breath damage on the two sparking 'noids, she also learned just how ouchy the lasguns could be as she was shout out of the air by a recumbent Draco.

What followed was a combination of slapstick, vaudeville and Baldur's Gate as Captain Bonkers returned to the fray and The Jade Scarab drew the attention of Snow Yellow.

(The most humorous passage of play involved Li'l Bonkers feeling out the metal door just before it was blown open, with the result being that he was hurtled along at great speed towards The Enigma, who couldn't quite evade the dwarven missile and took Massive Dwarven Damage to the tune of -8 hit points and a sucking chest wound. LB then extricated himself, charged Snow Yellow, and (owing to another horrible die roll) found himself lodged in her Hammerspace and groping about for some loot.

In other news, the Jade Scarab weilded the Shiv of Healing on The Enigma and steadfastly failed to kill him.

Wo0t.