Monday, January 27, 2014

Episode 95c - Spencer's Take

Him Becomes Death
You know, for someone with a bony ass, sitting the rail of a ship is kind of uncomfortable. 

The large one, he addresses me!

Uhhhh............ "I am Spencer and I am a cook?"

Smooth, oh so smooth. I'm not sure why they keep asking me questions. I am 10 minutes old.

Very tiny people started shouting at us. Something about paying for "parking". The large one made some kind of paper appear and they seemed satisfied with that.


An excitable furry man showed up and started talking about something, I'm not sure if I missed what he said because it made no sense to me or simply due to  the rapid, staccato, mortal speech he was using. I shudder to think what his metabolism is like. He will be visiting us soon.

At this point the dead one came up and I guess the ship started talking to us. Agatha seems like a kindred soul. Sort of. For someone as old as I am she seems so much more competent.

Koresh made a swipe at the dead one and became dumber.  Way dumber.  He decided to jump off of the air ship thingy.  I wanted to helpfully teleport down to collect his soul from his broken form and I forgot my robes.  The uncontrolled channeling of light led to a massive pelvic thrust of destruction that burned down the home of an elderly women.  She was quite cross. Also Koresh was still alive. 


At any rate I teleported back up to the ship with him in the hopes he would be that dumb again and finish the job .

Soldiers marched out from the town. GODS ABOVE AND BELOW!!! How did  I miss the giant metal hominid? He handled them though.

The Big E takes what appeared to be a drunk, belligerent sword from Koresh. 

I am awestruck by the beauty of the cosmos.

Oi, you little brat, stop dry humping my leg.


Oh dear, I hope management wasn't watching.

I animate his corpse and try to stuff his soul back in. This is NOT how it is supposed to work.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Episode 95b - The Enigma's Take

Helmet, Sweet Helmet
It was weird, but oh so familiar, to have my consciousness back in this massive helmet.  Trying to get used to it, I became aware of the new stranger in our midst, the black-robed one that Madmartigan, that is, Gigamesh, was trying unsuccessfully to pump for information.  The stranger gave his name, but it sounded very unconvincing, "dispenser, uh, that is Spencer".  I tried out my newly restored telepathic power, but all I heard from his mind was an echo of my own thoughts, like shouting "hello?" into an empty spelljammer hangar.

Soon enough we had other matters on our minds, like the fact that the ship had become sentient and booted Kobayashi out of the helm.  Agatha, she called herself.  Again I attempted telepathy, and Agatha replied aloud "that won't be necessary".

We were hailed by a familiar figure, Rodant, from one of the other Nautiloids, and found out that both the other ships were now (if "now" makes any sense any more) being crewed by our erstwhile allies.

Before long, a delegation of small, officious functionaries came from the town, demanding parking fees of 12 gold pieces per day for the right of parking our ships there.  Gigamesh dealt with them, first attempting to negotiate a lower price, then displaying a brand-new talent, manufactured a convincing gold-lettered parking permit, marked "paid", valid for the next 5 days.  This satisfied the delegation, and back they went.

Sometime around this point, Koresh decided to see how corporeal Kobayashi was, and put his hand through what proved to be an incorporeal void.  Not quite void, though, as the contact reduced Koresh to a gibbering idiot, whereupon he decided to dive for the amber waves of ground below.  I attempted to slow his descent by dispatching my helm, but was too late to intercept him.  Still, he survived the fall remarkably well, with only a sprained ankle, or somesuch trifle.

Spencer teleported to the ground to retrieve Koresh, but somehow forgot to bring his robe.  Thus revealed, we all saw that he was a crystal skeleton, with a femur containing a glowing green light within.  The sun happened to shine through his pelvis in just the right/wrong way, and a house in the town caught fire.  A woman started gesticulating to some nearby soldiers, pointing at the ship, and said soldiers started out towards us.

About this time I got a sense that something very bad was going on in town (way beyond our usual trouble, "sorry, we didn't MEAN to burn down your building/stockade/town").  We decided to land our party on the ground to investigate.  The ship lowered, ladders were dispatched, and we all alit on the field.  I attempted to tell Koresh that he might benefit from going to his happy place, but to no avail.  Spencer had the thought that a backhand slap might persuade him to go there, but to everyone's surprise, the slap instead KILLED him.  In some misguided attempt to return the favor Xeno did for me when he trapped my soul in the helmet, I got his sword, Dave, from his lifeless body, but Dave immediately imprinted on me and seemed to forget his previous master.

Our amateurish experiments in reviving the gnome ended when we saw rank after rank of rotund (maybe "spherical" is a better word) creatures marching out of the town, right over the encamped army waiting outside, paying them no more heed than if they were crunching over snails.  Every few rows there was a non-round (cubical, in fact) creature marching with them.  Just when we thought things couldn't possibly get any weirder...

Monday, January 20, 2014

Episode 95a - Gigamesh's Take

Right, so, like, next thing I know, I'm like 8 feet freaking tall, and know I can do all this weird shit, like if I want to, right? (like make stuff out of thin air, and boost my stats up to 25, at the detriment of other stats, as long as the things exist) And Lance is a big metal monkey.

And there's this other dude, right? In a big black robe, only inside he's a diamond skeleton? He's not very forthcoming about details as to who he is, other than he can cook, and would make a ragout out of a partially flayed bear, if presented with one. Takemiya says "And they call ME 'The Enigma'"

Apparently the robed skeleton dude's name is Spencer, which is apparently short for something. He also talks to someone who isn't there quite a bit.  It's kind of weird, but no weirder than I've experienced in the last several days.

(when he takes off his cloak, Kobayashi (still in the pilot's seat, who sees a null where Spencer is) suddenly can sense him and feels a direct connection with Spencer's thigh bone.  in part described as "a fond, yet taciturn moribundity")

and then the Vietnamese parking authority shows up, wanting money, so I make a parking permit, good for 5 days, paid in full (3GP) 

Somewhere in here a 4' tall rat-dude shows up, and Xeno/Koresh wants to start a bank.

Then apparently the ship (Agatha) has become sentient and kicks Kobayashi out of the pilot's seat. saying "your services will no longer be required."

Somewhere along the line, she also informs Xeno/Koresh that "There is no need to loot me"

Then Xeno/Koresh takes a swipe at the semi-corporeal form of Kobayashi, and becomes an imbecile and decides to go swimming in the amber waves of grain 30' below us. 

Spencer goes *bamf* and teleports down to X/K and then *bamf* brings him back up.

Lance is now Mechalance, and knows semaphore/sign language, but can only say "Koko loves ball"

Spencer tries to teleport and forgets his robes. the sunset then focuses through his diamond bones and destroys a house. a little old lady points at us and 7 guards come towards us.  I have Mechalance use his hypnogaze to stop them. He CHARGES them, getting their attention and shoots rainbow colored rays at them and they stop dead. (a bit more showy than I had expected, to be honest) I have him release them, and they shakily return to the town.

The Enigma takes Dave the Sword out of X/K's pants, and then loses his memory, but informs us that "something really chaotic is going to happen in the town"  and he's right. There's a lot of clanking, and a big amber beam of light, and all of a sudden there are rank upon rank of round metal robot-men, marching through the assembled army from elsewhere.  whenever they found resistance, they counter-attacked, otherwise they just walked all over them.  every 12 rows of these guys, there was a single cube-shaped one.

...and that's all I got.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Episode 94: To Infinity and Beyond

"Not only did you break the game, but you broke the set of perceptions that would allow you to know that the game has been broken."

From the desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.
Senior Reprobate, Second Class
The Naugahyde Cotillion

To the emissaries of the following deities:
____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)
_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie

Report 42, Code 1-1 C.

It's happened again.

The Desk has informed me that The God Squad has been reactivated, with one ore two disturbing alterations.

To whit:
Xeno --> KORESH No change, unfortunately. Still alive, unfortunately.
Xoe --> DOLOROUS HAZE Whereabouts unknown. Last seen in the company of semi-deity Iryien wearing a few strips of tinsel.
Takemiya Smith --> THE ENIGMA Surprisingly resilient, the Enigma has returned to form with all powers and facilities intact. 
Saladin --> STONEHENGE Missing and presumed dead.
Kobayashi Jones --> THE JADE SCARAB This poor guy. The Vectrometer indicates that his most recent transformation has brought him to the edge of Total Personality Dissolution. By comparison, a schizophrenic hydra has a better chance of keeping it together.
Ragnar the Impetuous --> CAPTAIN BONKERS Missing and presumed lying drunk somewhere, stewing in his own soiled trousers.
Holth --> THE DEATH OF GIFF Just Plain Missing.

The Desk has also detected two new hemi-deities that - and this is the important part - were NOT created by the Cotillion. They are to be considered uncontrolled and dangerous. Even moreso than the others, if one can believe it. Current theoretical projections speculate others were caught up in the Improbablarity and transformed. More information will be revealed when gathered.

There is also... another being. The Desk cannot quite determine what it is, but it seems to be a multi-demensional being heretofore unknown or undetected by the Cotillion. Probably an anthropomorphic manifestation of some great cosmic principle, but we'll need to locate them more specifically in order to determine whether or not this being constitutes a threat. Perhaps it can be swayed by the Cotillion to side with us in order to rein in the God Squad.

The nearest we can tell, the Squad has shifted to the outer planes, in one of the more Lawful regions. The Desk is trying to dodecangulate their position now, but it may take some time. As a precaution, the Cotillion asks that all relevant deities take precautions and exercise care until the true nature and extent of this new threat can be determined and, if necessary, eliminated.

I. Prim