Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Episode 63: "Xeno... Hold me..."

"I remember being attacked by an evil, two-headed vampiric baby. I attempted to tackle one and ended up with a cracked vertebrae. When I had eventually skewered the thing, I flung it across the room, hitting a painting and revealing a secret panel which hid a sapphire scarab. I fucking love scarabs. As I made towards the mirror to return to my comrades, it exploded in a hot stinging spray of half-molten shards all over me. It was at that point that I started to get quite angry." - Saladin

"Seeing the two-headed baby in Xeno's clutches, well, I panicked a bit. This place was really getting on my nerves, and while I didn't manage to squash the thing properly when I had the chance, I can honestly say the thing perished on my weapon. Booyah!" - Ragnar the Impetuous

"Have you ever torn a groin muscle? It really, really, really hurts. So when I looked up and saw that giant bone demon arising from the great pool of blood and grabbing Xoe in it's great scything clutches, well, excuse me if I overreacted. Plus, that 'throwing the entire necklace of magic missiles' thing seemed to work last time, so..." - Kobayashi Jones

"Finally, SOMEONE is listening to me!" - Xoe

"I wonder if this door is gold all the way throu- aaaarrrRRRRGGGGHHHhh...!!!>!!?!1!" - Xeno

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Episode 62: A Fool for the Citidel

As the group put the finishing touches on the demise of the citadel's diabolical headmistress, the robed guy with Xeno's memories detected a faint pinging alarum reverberating throughout the entire citadel. He pulled back from the glistening carnage and looked around. One slight, nondescript door beckoned to him. He opened it. There were stairs leading up.

And he was gone.

Having learned that you either follow Xeno or get left behind in Time, the robed guy with Ragnar's memories followed suit, and headed up the stairs as well. A latent monk and hidden priest tagged along, while Formerly Xoe and Hopefully Saladin Again looted the faceless wench. Saladin found her Hammerspace; and in it, a Jade Scarab.

That's when the fat, blobby guys attacked.

Retreating up the stairs, Saladin fended them off with urine. In the room up ahead, Xeno found the Lair of Eternal Shields. He took one off the wall and nothing horrible happened. Ragnar followed suit, burst into flames and grew a foot taller. He swung his shield with an aura of command that, had anyone been watching, would have been slightly impressive.

Xoe strode in, took a shield off the wall and merely burst into flames, grew a foot taller and kicked Ragnar's ass. Saladin put his head between two shields and heard a sound like a thousand Marshalls feedbacking. #deaf

Eventually, the group learned from one of the blobbily-shaped gentlemen that the citadel was under attack, and most definitely doomed. The only egress from the citadel (that didn't lead straight into the arms of Gylxel GlummdaƄr's invading forces) was an eldritch door that required three keys to unlock. The rather gloomy blob then shuffled off to meet his doom.

In the next room, the jade scarab that Kobayashi found came to life and lighted excitedly on a strange mirror...

Xeno, having discovered a number of alcoves each containing a strangely-bound humanoid, decided that the mirror was far more interesting. He hurled a stone at it and discovered that it was actually a gateway to an interdimensional mirrorworld.

Kobayashi, in an attempt to rescue one of the trapped humanoids, accidentally exploded the glass containment case, causing the poor being's jugular milking tubes to be ripped out; the end result being the 'rescuee' crashed to the floor and rapidly bled to death all over DCM's hapless healer. # bloodyhorror #pleasedon'thealmeI'mfinethanks

That's when Xeno leapt through the magic mirror, landing in the mirrorworld, and causing his evil twin (if you can believe that) to fall into the room with the rest of the party. A melee ensued. The evil twin was eventually subdued, but not before Ragnar took a porcupine to the face.

Xeno returned from the Other Side. With a strange, bronzen key...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Episode 61: The Matrix Reloaded

Meanwhile, back at the spaghettification of Koresh and The Enigma...

The two of them whooshed towards a seething quartet of triangles - the middlemost of which was blacker than Koresh's own heart - and he steered the two of them into it and ended up in a hotel kitchenette. There they found white tiles, blue liquids and more spatulae than you could shake a stick at.

And in the main room, on a bed between two doors, the King of All Dwarves Lays Sleeping. And of course, Koresh tried to wake him up. With liquids.

It didn't work.

Instead He exploded into feathers and two parrots appeared, offering a choice between GOD and HEAVEN...

After some tough questioning (and delicious pizza) The Enigma decided that meeting God is probably not the best career choice at the moment, and (thankfully for the entire campaign) chooses HEAVEN instead.

They find themselves reunited with the party, only everyone looks the same, seems to be carrying no more than a sword and a fancy necklace, and are confined to a rocky tunnel while being harassed by flying demons who appear to be carrying demonic lacrosse sticks.

There was much rejoicing.

This time Bonkers made the play of the day, throwing his entire necklace at the fiends, obliterating them and recovering two sticks - much to everyone's amazement. Further exploration showed that the door that led back to Lungfish Isle was no longer there - much to everyone's disappointment.

The only way out seemed to be back across the river. The River Styx.

Luckily, the old members of DCM Enterprises, with years of experience under their belts, were able to readily dispatch the orcs, commandeer the barge, and make their way up into the rocky citadel where they hurriedly dispatched the demoness who had at one time been Xeno's one true love.

Panting and heaving, the members of DCM now find themselves back at the beginning of things, with a world of experience behind them and unlimited raiding and looting potential in front.

Is that not heaven?