Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Episode 47: Horror Vacui

From the desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.

Senior Reprobate, First Class

The Naugahyde Cotillion

To the emmissaries of the following dieties:



____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)


_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie


Report 2, Code 1-1 A.

The God Squad (formerly Der Chelonian Mobile Enterprises ) have, as I'm sure Your Eminences have heard/forseen, obliterated Arijani, High Lord of Sri Raji. Not only have they managed to slay an Abyssal Lord outright, in his own plane, (and in his bathrobe, for that matter) but they have also achieved a number of outstanding/improbable/worrying (circle one) outcomes on the Higher Path.

To whit:

A) Koresh, having personally slain Arijani, has been installed as the 665th Lord of Sri Raji. While this may not be exactly what Your Eminences had in Mind(S), one has to credit Koresh for a certain impeccability of style - especially considering the ancient and eldritch prophecies regarding the permanent powers and immortality to be bestowed upon the The One to be crowned as the realm's 666th Lord. Koresh will need an extreme run of luck to survive more than a few hours once word of Arijani's demise gets out.

B) Having instantaneously received news of Arijani's demise, the neighboring Abyssal Princes and Lords immediately set out to fill the ensuing power vacuum. Fortunately for the Squad, The Enigma finally tapped into the Innerconnected Consciousness of Pure Crystal Mind and produced a number of Doves of Radiance, using them to great effect vanquishing a number of invading Outer Demons (and quelling more than a few inner ones as well.) The Enigma may be a key figure in the (probably short) future of New South Waco (tentative realm title) as his powers seem to be attuned to negating the local forces of both Chaos and Evil.

C) More worryingly, however, is the Power Surge unleashed by Ms. Haze. With Koresh swallowed (by his own ineptitude?) by a portal to an unknown layer of the Abyss, and with Stonehenge beset by a triad of demons, Ms. Haze attempted to disrupt matters by using a powerfully magical pick to break open the temple floor. Instead she managed to open a rift straight through innumerable layers of the Abyss, and in the process swallowed the triad of demons whilst rescuing Koresh from his demonic hiatus, but not before conferring him the power of demonic flight.

So all in all, just another day at the office for The God Squad.

Please let me know if and when I should intervene, either on Your Esteemed Behalves or for the good of the multiverse in general.


I. Prim

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Episode 46: Koresh Bobs His Hair

Captain Bonkers blinked.

Dolorous sighed.

The egg came to rest, yet everything else was set in motion...
Even as Captain Bonkers set into the egg with his Axe of Unusual Size, the Universe was setting up the pins to fall. Bonkers heaved, the axe arced forward and...


The egg cracked. It opened up. And out flowed a wave of octarine light.

Riding that wave, like the Bethany Hamilton of The Abyss, was Koresh. A grassy path flowed from under his feet. Flowers bloomed wherever he stepped. A small throng of curved-blade wielding followers surrounded Koresh and awaited His word in order that they might do His bidding.

"Let's go in." saith Koresh.

So they went in.

The Enigma, Captain Bonkers and Dolorous Haze followed, cloaked in fear and trepidation. What had come over Koresh? Was he THAT much closer to apotheosis? If we continue to make sniggering comments about his height, will his followers fall upon us in a murderous, holy rage?

And where WAS Stonehenge?

All these questions quickly left everyone's mind once they stepped inside the temple. It was quiet. TOO quiet. After all, a quarter of the rear portico had been destroyed by Koresh's sneeze - didn't this place have guards?

Dolorous found out quickly that it did. Only they weren't exactly among the living. The first one she encountered was lying in a pool of blood and was neatly sewn up the back with a heavy gauge pink thread. The Enigma found one that offered at least a little resistance - but when it tried to employ a blowgun, blood sprayed from a series of clever perforations in its chest to spraypaint a smiley face on the marble floor. The Enigma and Dolorous pondered at what kind of fiend could commit such bizarre (yet stylish) crimes on two poor, defenseless evil temple guards.

Koresh just sent his bodyguard into the next room.

The next few minutes found the party confronting a REALLY powerful sun disc, a very scantily-clad woman on a tapestry and the clamorous din of battle as Koresh's guards discovered the part of the temple guard who hadn't already been horribly (yet stylishly) slain. One brief bit of battle later, the field was won, and as The Enigma quietly reconnoitered the side chamber of the temple, Koresh pressed on through the main doors and found...


The vile and contentious master of Sri Raji opened the doors and entered the room. He was obviously caught up in his own thoughts: wrapped in a robe and toweling off his orange and furry face, he barely had time to register the scene of carnage before him. With one swift, feline motion he dropped his towel, swore under his breath and turned to flee the room. He got almost 15 feet into the next room before Koresh pounced at the opportunity and leveled his Forked Finger of Doom. "Take THIS," he purred, as he unleashed a fiery, icy twist of destructive power straight into the evil lord's back.

Then he rolled a 30.

Neither Koresh, nor the realm of Sri Raji would ever be the same again...

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Episodes 44, 45: The Beasts Within

As the dark priestesses circled in and were joined by more weretigers, Dolorous thought it was time to call in reinforcements. With a flick of the magical talisman, Koresh appeared in the middle of Habib's Spiced Meats stall in the city bazaar. Deftly assessing the situation (with some screaming assistance from Captain Bonkers) Koresh unleashed a flurry of cutlery on the assailants in an effort to save the day.

Unfortunately, Koresh's one follower, Rodant Kapoor, was soon after called into the plane at a great height above Habib's. He plummeted through the genuine imitation silk awning and into a pan of hot frying oil, and hilarity ensued.

It remained to Captain Bonkers to save the day, and after a rampage of random proportions (sparing not even Koresh or Dolorous from the axe) all was soon a quivering heap of gore at his feet, and there was much rejoicing.

It was then that the weretigers gathered the party together and led them to a ramshackle apartment at the base of Temple Hill. There they were informed that the overlord of Sri Raji, Arijani, was a foul, evil-spirited collector of all things malevolent and mighty. It was believed that he had somehow obtained part of Dolorous' soul, and the group of weretigers, who want to be rid of Arijani, are willing to help the party in their quest if they will strike down Arijani in return.

To that end, they have reforged the porcelain and silver tiger Dolorous recovered into the Fist of Vishnu - a powerful silver weapon that can strike down Arijani where he is most vulnerable...

The next day, the four adventurous heroes head out to the temple. Kapoor was sent in to reconnoiter as Koresh led the others to the rear entrance. A holy fit of sneezing caught Koresh unawares, and the resulting expulsion eradicated an entire section of the temple wall, revealing a great golden egg within. 

As the egg began to roll out of the temple and toward the party, Dolorous recognized the need  to make herself scarce and assess the situation.

Captain Bonkers stood transfixed - hypnotized by what looked to be about three years' worth of deep mining...

Koresh was surprised and stunned - and frozen right in the egg's path. Only a large, Stonehenge-shaped flash of light told Dolorous that he probably wasn't crushed to death. Only my brother, she thought, could just stand there in the path of a ten-ton golden egg and have something good come of it...

And when the egg rolled over him, only a distant thundering sound and a flash of octarine light told her that something had happened, that things weren't exactly what they seemed.

And as the egg rolled over the Koresh-shaped hole in the hillside before coming to rest in a garden shed, a dozen local villagers emerged from the surrounding jungle. It was apparent that they had observed the tableau, and as they approached what was left of Koresh, they began muttering, chanting something amongst themselves. 

They circled his prone body when, with a start, Koresh coughed and began to move. The villagers cried out and began to gesture wildly amongst themselves while chanting "Kalki! Kalki!! Kalki!!!"

"Oh, damn," Dolorous cursed under her breath as she emerged from her hiding place. "This is JUST what we need..."