Monday, November 28, 2011

Episode 49b: Flashback in Baator

The Jade Scarab watched as the rest of the God Squad was sent, one after another, to follow Dolorous and Captain Bonkers into the Abyss. He was the tiniest bit anxious, but that was only to be expected. The thing that worried him the most, however, was that every time Mr. Prim consulted the construct on the Desk and sent another team member shimmering into the Beyond, a small tic reappeared just above his right eye.

Something has him concerned, thought the Scarab. I must make myself ready for the improbable.

When, a few moments after Stonehenge's silhouette flickered out of sight, the headless corpse of Holth (Death of Giff) evaporated, Mr. Prim rose up from behind his desk. For the first time since he'd known him, the Jade Scarab detected a tremor in his voice. Prim's smoke-lensed glasses, however, prevented the Scarab from getting a clear reading on his true emotions.

"There is a situation," Prim said, rising from The Desk. "You're needed in Baator, the first level of the Nine Hells. There you will seek out the afterlife forms of Holth, Aramis and..." Prim paused, looking like he was about to vomit up the very next word, "Snooki."

The Jade Scarab steeled himself. A solo rescue assignment. He could do this.

Half an hour later, the Jade Scarab was sitting in a hot, sulferous cavern with a glazed, bemused look on his face. He had just killed Aramis with his Dagger of Healing, and was currently watching the body of a five-headed dragon in chains being dragged towards a massive, glowing portal by hundreds of chitinous scorpion/spider hybrid monstrosities. Aramis' shade was hovering nearby, whispering just loudly enough to be heard over the din: "pantsss.... i want yourr paaaaaantsssss....". Holth's animated, headless, slime-covered corpse stood next to the animated, far-too-tiny-bikini-clad, slime-covered corpse of Snooki.

That was the moment he realized the true meaning of the phrase "I am in Hell."

Meanwhile, on another layer (the 632nd, actually) of another evil plane (the Abyss - go figure?), Dolorous, Stonehenge, The Enigma, Koresh, Bonkers and his troupe of dwarves (hi hooooooo!) found themselves explosively transported inside what appeared to be a hot, steamy temple. Pool of magma. Five-headed dragon inlays. Living, pulsating, chocolate-seeping (is that ¢hº¢o£ªte? Gºds I hºpe it's ¢hº¢º£ªte!) walls.

The Tumblers of Improbability clicked over.

Up ahead, a commotion was heard. The Enigma, Stonehenge and Captain Bonkers climbed a short, wide staircase to investigate. Koresh tried to BAMF. Dolorous readied her Pick of Extreme Digging.

As a shadowy, multi-limbed denizen appeared at the end of a tunnel, shrieking in rage and blood-curdling wroth, the party did what it always does when things get dicey: stand back and let a gnome work.

Dolorous raised the pick.

She rolled a 30.

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