From the desk of Ingnatious Prim, Esq.
Senior Reprobate, First Class
The Naugahyde Cotillion
To the emmissaries of the following dieties:
____ ______________ (Long May His Beard Reign)
_ __ ___ The Ever Mightie
Report 1, Code 1-1 A.
The members of Der Chelonian Mobile, after their Most Recent Brush with Death, were congregated on the Plane of Dust by The Desk itself and I debriefed the members on their promotions to hemi-god as well as enlightening them as to their new Identities. Let the record show this as the assignation of their new røles in the Permanent Record, so that Your Most Eminent Persona(e) may refer to this Report as a convenience in your all too busy lives(es).
DER CHELONIAN MOBILE (Defunct)
Xeno --> KORESH Bonding with his Weapon has caused KORESH to assume dual personalities. Normally, this would be considered a hinderance.
Xoe --> DOLOROUS HAZE Her near-death experience was nearer than most. She is well on her way to degenerating into a Shade. Still has the ability to alter her future depending on her actions and die rolls.
Takemiya Smith --> THE ENIGMA The once-headless, soul-stripped monk should feel at home in his new incarnation. Adding more chaos to his oeuvre may prove to be too much, however.
Saladin --> STONEHENGE His knack for earth-based talents is much enhanced in his new persona. As long as he stays out of the skies he should progress nicely.
Kobayashi Jones --> THE JADE SCARAB Once a novice, this 'healer' can progress into the ranks of the dieties as long as he doesn't kill all of his friends first.
Ragnar the Impetuous --> CAPTAIN BONKERS Could win the race to Valhalla, if only via killing everyone else in the multiverse first. We may, *may* have made a mistake on this one.
Holth --> THE DEATH OF GIFF Seeing as we did not actually choose or create this persona, we cannot be held responsible for what ensues. We've checked with a number of lawyers on this.
After assuming their new personas, the group was given their first assignment: the capture or killing of the Clown Rreebbaassssoooo. The Desk brought them to his Insidious Sirkus in Hades, and, after some merriment, the Clown was terminated with Extreme Prejudice.
Highlights, for your Eminences:
THE ENIGMA managed to decapitate himself again (as well as defootinate himself, twice). A miniature vehicle of Foreign Make, as well as some Fire Weasels were used, to great comick effect.
THE JADE SCARAB managed to, while in Scarab form, be shot from a cannon and kill THE DEATH OF GIFFS. To great comick effect.
DOLOROUS HAZE managed to terminally depress The Clown Rreebbaassssoooo.
And KORESH delivered the coup de grace, via sharpened helmet, to the groin. Not for the first time. or the second, it is believed. And, (would you believe it?) actually managed to Progress towards his path to apotheosis.
STONEHENGE and CAPTAIN BONKERS were not engaged in this mission. It is hoped they will participate in the next.
If your Esteemed Personages would be so kind as to direct me as to where they'll be going next I shall relay the information in a timely manner.