Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Episode 54: When Dwarves Cry

Smoke stung their eyes. Creosote filled their lungs. But at least the terrified screams of the dying mob had ceased to fill their ears. The entire coliseum was on fire now, and eighty percent of the God Squad cowered in the burning tunnel as flames and chaos arose around them.

(Dolorous had, before Holth (R.I.P.) unleashed his bazooka in tandem with Koresh's Forked Finger of Fong, fled to the Pocket Plane of Shadow - a dark, cool place that came equipped with it's own soothing elevator music.)

From her retreat of quietude, Dolorous was suddenly made aware of a growing nimbus of light - light emanating from the tunnel, and, in fact, emanating from the form of The Enigma...

As she watched, a billowing cloak of cool white light issued forth from his chest and ballooned over and around the party, protecting them from the burning bits of colisetritus that were falling like ripe figs throughout the tunnel.

Captain Bonkers, in a fit of claustrophobic zeal, leapt forth from the nimbus of light and made a frenzied dash for door. He made it, of course, but in hindsight he probably should have retired for the evening right then and there... The Dice would soon forsake him.

The rest of the party strolled nonchalantly out of the coliseum just as the entire structure collapsed in a conflagatory cloud of smoke, ash and burning remains. It is not known if even the Great Ghost of Gary Gygax knows how many experience points a coliseum is worth, but let's just say this: it's probably alot.

The only thing that seemed to survive the firestorm was a skeletal dragonship - one that rose from the ash cloud and hovered off towards a distant and ruddy outcropping of rock - it's smoky, translucent skin protecting it's occupants from the harsh Athasian sun.

Bonkers and Dolorous (who deemed it safe enough to exit her Pocket Dimension) reasoned that the dark, dragon king that Stonehenge had described must be in the ship, and that if anyone on this godsforsaken planet deserved a right kick up the backside, it was he.

Captain Bonkers, having recently reobtained all his Worldy Possessions, brandished his Teleportation Chamber, and attempted to teleport a bazooka shell to a point in front of the dragonship where it would contact the nose of the ship, explode, and hilarity would ensue.

He opened the box, placed the ordinance in detonator-first (setting off the three-second timer), and as he attempted to push the 'Teleport' button, the shell exploded... and drove a fiery gout of superheated, pulverized shrapnel throuh the unlucky dwarf's hand.

Dolorous decided then and there to take matters (and her Crossbow of Shocking) into her own hands. Lifting off and quickly closing in on the lumbering ship, she fired one bolt from her crossbow at the nether regions of the ship and...

...took the sumbitch down.

Bones splintered. Exoplaz shattered. Minibars and keggerators exploded in a chain reaction of mayhem as the ship tore itself apart from within. Strippers, bartenders, midgets and a mime fell, flaming, to their deaths on the hots sands below.

Only the dragon king remained.

Long, dessicated and corrupt, like the magic that he wields, the dragon king looked over his shoulder and gawped in disbelief at the mere size of his tormentor. It had taken him YEARS to build that ship from the hollowed-out remains of his father, and months on top of that to train the midgets and the bartenders - not to mention the fortune in jewels and fine silks it had taken to lure the best girls that had ever polished a pole to work his party barge...

He wouldn't miss the mime.

And now this, this insignificant, petulant, tiny, worthless woman had blown it all away. She would pay. Oh, boyo she would pay....

"If only I could make it to my secret lair," he thought. "I think I have the greater part of an Athasian beer tap lodged in the small of my back..."

At that moment, out of the blue (literally) an angry and vengeful dwarf flew up and grabbed the dragon king's tail. Bonkers heaved with all his considerable might in an attempt to stop the fleeing dragon.

He succeeded, to some degree, in that he got the dragon to whirl around in a half circle, just in time to come face to face with a flying tiger-headed, bat-ankled semi-deity who wanted to bite him in the face.

It didn't go well.

Not only did Koresh fail to damage the dragon king in any appreciable way, but it refocused the king's annoyance at having his tail pulled. The dragon king turned towards the straining dwarf...

He opened his mouth...

And he sang.




The last thing Bonkers heard was the sound of his eardrums exploding.

As he plummeted to the ground, Dolorous was reminded of what happens to a tarantula that is dropped from a great height...


The Captain hit the ground with a sound like a cow hitting the Great Wall at terminal velocity.

Orifices oozed.

Organs traded places.

Bones fragmented.

By the time Dolorous got to him and rolled him over, he sounded like a rubber sack filled with pottery shards and Jello.

She quickly took one of her healing magic items and placed it around his neck, thus saving his life.

But man, was he ever gonna be sore in the morning...

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