Monday, April 11, 2011

Episode 31: There's a Fundus Among Us

The plan was (relatively) simple: Xeno would go to the Barking Spider and order the lamb, while the rest of DCM covered the exits and observed. A straightforward approach that would most probably result in a safe, controlled reveal of the force (or forces) behind the recent attempt on Xeno's life and the trashing of DCM's headquarters.

Except DCM doesn't know the definition of 'most probably'.

Things started to go wrong when Iryien was approached by a drunken satyr.

What do you do with a drunken satyr?
What do you do with a drunken satyr?
What do you do with a drunken satyr?
Earl-eye in the morning?

Iryien, trying her best to be polite, spurned his advances. By this time, Xeno's 'lamb' had arrived, in the form of a 36" x 24" x 36" anthropomorphic sheep stripper named Baarbaaraa. As she led Xeno to the VIP rooms in the back, Saladin noticed a very interested onlooker was looking on most interestingly.

Count Fundus.

Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Shave his belly with a rusty razor
Earl-eye in the morning!

Takemiya, who was tracking everyone's thoughts, noticed that as soon as Xeno entered the VIP room, he lost consciousness. Saladin was alerted. He immediately tried to sell Iryien to the satyr in return for some chaotic influence in the backroom quest to find Xeno.

Kobayashi was alerted, and he immediately started tracking Fundus. Xoe chipped in and the two of them followed Fundus and his two bodyguards down a back stairwell.

As this was all going on, Xeno had regained a semblance of his consciousness, and in a moment of fight-or-flight pique, knocked Baarbaara into a candlelit boudoir while turning on the dancer who he believed had knocked him cold. But as Xeno leveled a magic-missile-laden finger at her fleeing back, Sean O'Verkkill, a minor god of Unnecessarily Good Fortune who had, if you believed in Luck with a capital L, just happened to be dining at the Barking Spider and had, at the exact moment the voluptuous redhead had burst screaming from the VIP room uttered the words "Now that's a hot one, innit?" And, as Luck (or just plain luck, for the Unbeliever) would have it, Xeno unleashed five of the hottest, most powerful and overwhelmingly efficient magic missiles in all of role-playing history.

But as the good luck giveth, it also taketh away; for the dying stripper's last act was to crumple in a scorched, lavender-scented heap at the feet of Adolphus Swordhilter, maniacal proprietor of the Spider. He quickly brandished his battleaxe and headed to the back room, only to be fleeing a few seconds later, a yellow streak (is that where that phrase comes from?!?!?!) trailing behind him as he fled his own establishment, leaving Xeno grinning like a madman.

So where were we?

Oh, yes.

Barreling down the back stairs towards the room are Fundus, Bert, Ernie, Kobayashi and Xoe.
Rushing into the other room (recently vacated by a dying stripper) are Iryien, Saladin and a satyr.
In between is an invisible Xeno wielding a powerful new friend.

The rest, as they say, is wildly improbable, but it happened.

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