Episode 64: The Voyage Home

As the cold, wet schtupping sound of Xeno being sucked into the door subsided, it was replaced by a distant, slightly more disturbing one: that of war.

Horns were blasted, orders were barked and the din of massive conflict filtered to the party's ears. The question was asked: "Should we try and save Xeno?" The answer: "He's... probably safer where he is."

Everyone agreed, then proceeded to the top of the citadel where they could look upon...

...a massive dry valley, two miles long and half a mile wide. Sharp, craggy walls lined it in either side while away to the south, a natural opening in the rock emulated a gigantic gateway - a gateway that was currently being overrun with thousands upon thousands of sluggish, maggotlike beings. The glistening army was being driven through the gap by a number of wingéd devils brandishing fiery whips and murderous swords.

A smaller, pessimistic group of slugs could be seen issuing forth from the citadel below. But even at a distance it could be seen that their slime had less glisten, their slithering was less vigorous. They could sense their own inevitable doom.

It was then that a great golden maw opened up in the floor of the citadel, regurgitating Xeno onto the citadel roof. Covered in an opalescent slime, he appeared to have been transformed back to his old gnomish self. He smiled, humming softly to himself. He seemed happy.

It was right about that time when a great horn blast reverberated off the canyon walls. The invaders stopped their undulating invasion long enough for one of the flying devils to cup his hands to his mouth and yell (in an appropriately evil and foreboding voice) "Xeno-o-o-o... Is that you-u-u-u???"

Being recognised a mile distant by the diabolical field marshal of an invading hellish army didn't phase Xeno nearly as much as it should have done.

He waved and said "Hi!"

The field marshal turned, bellowed "ATTAAAAAACK!!!!!" and twelve 3-headed fire-breathing dragons emerged from the gateway, breathing fire and making a dragonline for the citadel.

After some calm, lucid debate in which a number of salient points were raised, viable options were debated, and a course of action was decided by majority vote, the party decided to flee in a panic down into the citadel. There, they met up with the imp that had been minding his ruined drum kit in the Shielding Room. Quietly weeping over his ruined Zildjians, the party learned his name was BILLY, and that all he really wanted was a gig in a faraway land. He was recruited on the spot, and his first act was to burrow directly through the stone floor of the citadel and head out to meet the dragons.

The party was both impressed and a little bit worried.

Down on the first floor, the party ran into the slowly rotating Blood Monster, Takemiya entered the Blue Mushroom painting, and after meeting a paranoid, damp pixie by the name of Hasty Retreat he managed to retrieve the last of the three keys.

BILLY then returned intermittently with the hearts of three of the dragons, a tasty feast was had, and Xoe became her old self again (excepting that firebreathing bit). BILLY then led the party to the Door of the Three Keys, everyone walked through the strange portal and into a dark hallway where some familiar smells assaulted everyone's noses:

Smoke. Sweat. Desperation. Disinfectant.

MYSTY'S!

The party's jubilation was palpable as, after one long year (or has it only been a month?) they had finally returned to Lungfish Isle.

As BILLY the imp emerged in tux and tails, hitting the stage like he was born to emcee a strip club, the rest of the party shuffled blearily into the street and back into their beloved home town once again.

Some natural tears they dropp'd, but wip'd them soon;
The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide:
They hand in hand with wand'ring steps and slow
Through Port Harbor took their solitary way.

Episode 63: "Xeno... Hold me..."

"I remember being attacked by an evil, two-headed vampiric baby. I attempted to tackle one and ended up with a cracked vertebrae. When I had eventually skewered the thing, I flung it across the room, hitting a painting and revealing a secret panel which hid a sapphire scarab. I fucking love scarabs. As I made towards the mirror to return to my comrades, it exploded in a hot stinging spray of half-molten shards all over me. It was at that point that I started to get quite angry." - Saladin

"Seeing the two-headed baby in Xeno's clutches, well, I panicked a bit. This place was really getting on my nerves, and while I didn't manage to squash the thing properly when I had the chance, I can honestly say the thing perished on my weapon. Booyah!" - Ragnar the Impetuous

"Have you ever torn a groin muscle? It really, really, really hurts. So when I looked up and saw that giant bone demon arising from the great pool of blood and grabbing Xoe in it's great scything clutches, well, excuse me if I overreacted. Plus, that 'throwing the entire necklace of magic missiles' thing seemed to work last time, so..." - Kobayashi Jones

"Finally, SOMEONE is listening to me!" - Xoe

"I wonder if this door is gold all the way throu- aaaarrrRRRRGGGGHHHhh...!!!>!!?!1!" - Xeno

Episode 62: A Fool for the Citidel

As the group put the finishing touches on the demise of the citadel's diabolical headmistress, the robed guy with Xeno's memories detected a faint pinging alarum reverberating throughout the entire citadel. He pulled back from the glistening carnage and looked around. One slight, nondescript door beckoned to him. He opened it. There were stairs leading up.

And he was gone.

Having learned that you either follow Xeno or get left behind in Time, the robed guy with Ragnar's memories followed suit, and headed up the stairs as well. A latent monk and hidden priest tagged along, while Formerly Xoe and Hopefully Saladin Again looted the faceless wench. Saladin found her Hammerspace; and in it, a Jade Scarab.

That's when the fat, blobby guys attacked.

Retreating up the stairs, Saladin fended them off with urine. In the room up ahead, Xeno found the Lair of Eternal Shields. He took one off the wall and nothing horrible happened. Ragnar followed suit, burst into flames and grew a foot taller. He swung his shield with an aura of command that, had anyone been watching, would have been slightly impressive.

Xoe strode in, took a shield off the wall and merely burst into flames, grew a foot taller and kicked Ragnar's ass. Saladin put his head between two shields and heard a sound like a thousand Marshalls feedbacking. #deaf

Eventually, the group learned from one of the blobbily-shaped gentlemen that the citadel was under attack, and most definitely doomed. The only egress from the citadel (that didn't lead straight into the arms of Gylxel Glummdaår's invading forces) was an eldritch door that required three keys to unlock. The rather gloomy blob then shuffled off to meet his doom.

In the next room, the jade scarab that Kobayashi found came to life and lighted excitedly on a strange mirror...

Xeno, having discovered a number of alcoves each containing a strangely-bound humanoid, decided that the mirror was far more interesting. He hurled a stone at it and discovered that it was actually a gateway to an interdimensional mirrorworld.

Kobayashi, in an attempt to rescue one of the trapped humanoids, accidentally exploded the glass containment case, causing the poor being's jugular milking tubes to be ripped out; the end result being the 'rescuee' crashed to the floor and rapidly bled to death all over DCM's hapless healer. # bloodyhorror #pleasedon'thealmeI'mfinethanks

That's when Xeno leapt through the magic mirror, landing in the mirrorworld, and causing his evil twin (if you can believe that) to fall into the room with the rest of the party. A melee ensued. The evil twin was eventually subdued, but not before Ragnar took a porcupine to the face.

Xeno returned from the Other Side. With a strange, bronzen key...

Episode 61: The Matrix Reloaded

Meanwhile, back at the spaghettification of Koresh and The Enigma...

The two of them whooshed towards a seething quartet of triangles - the middlemost of which was blacker than Koresh's own heart - and he steered the two of them into it and ended up in a hotel kitchenette. There they found white tiles, blue liquids and more spatulae than you could shake a stick at.

And in the main room, on a bed between two doors, the King of All Dwarves Lays Sleeping. And of course, Koresh tried to wake him up. With liquids.

It didn't work.

Instead He exploded into feathers and two parrots appeared, offering a choice between GOD and HEAVEN...

After some tough questioning (and delicious pizza) The Enigma decided that meeting God is probably not the best career choice at the moment, and (thankfully for the entire campaign) chooses HEAVEN instead.

They find themselves reunited with the party, only everyone looks the same, seems to be carrying no more than a sword and a fancy necklace, and are confined to a rocky tunnel while being harassed by flying demons who appear to be carrying demonic lacrosse sticks.

There was much rejoicing.

This time Bonkers made the play of the day, throwing his entire necklace at the fiends, obliterating them and recovering two sticks - much to everyone's amazement. Further exploration showed that the door that led back to Lungfish Isle was no longer there - much to everyone's disappointment.

The only way out seemed to be back across the river. The River Styx.

Luckily, the old members of DCM Enterprises, with years of experience under their belts, were able to readily dispatch the orcs, commandeer the barge, and make their way up into the rocky citadel where they hurriedly dispatched the demoness who had at one time been Xeno's one true love.

Panting and heaving, the members of DCM now find themselves back at the beginning of things, with a world of experience behind them and unlimited raiding and looting potential in front.

Is that not heaven?

Episode 60: When is a 1 Not a 1?

The cosmos swirled around everyone as the blackness opened up and swallowed. Rotating whorls of light and (possibly) the beginnings of new Universes spun this way and that. Captain Bonkers found himself stretched impossibly thin as his feet were pulled at near-light speeds towards a particularly close-knit group of portals...

Good thing his head was closer than most.

With extreme effort, he guided  his feet towards a highly blue-looking portal. Two other unrecognizable party members seemed to, in their spaghettified and blueshifted state, consciously follow him towards their unknown fate.

The rest of the party split up and disappeared...

As the three shot through the portal at breakneck speed, the Jade Scarab closed his eyes and quickly summoned forth his inner Qi, using it to open The Third Eye of Emerald Openness. He peered through the portal and thought: "Wow, that's a LOT of hard, stony ground and it's coming on really qui-"

The Scarab hit the ground with a sound like a cow hitting the Great Wall at terminal velocity.

Dolorous bounced twice before landing in a pile of crumpled wings, smeared mascara and delicate chainmail accessories. The Captain landed rather deftly on his feet, and celebrated appropriately with arms thrust skyward, screaming his tribe's ancient battle cry:

Behind him, the Jade Scarab died.

But all was not lost. It didn't take long for the Captain to sense something.... amazing. Underneath him, there were rivers. Living rivers of gold. Proto-gold. The essence of gold. Bonkers could hear it's heartbeat filling his ears, burrowing hotly under his fingernails. 

He wanted it badly. He needed it. He invented the Cadillac in his head just so he could get outrageous rims for it with all the money he'd have if he could just... dig... it... 

Up.

Three things happened next, and all at the same time.

Dolorous tried to cast a spell in order to save the Scarab. The Scarab's soul, however, had already vacated the premises and had drifted miserably along to a point on the ground where the fabric of reality seemed to be thinning...


...which was because, while Dolorous wasn't exactly the best spellcaster in the world, her new demonic prowess allows her a certain leeway when it comes to the veil between the worlds...


...which Bonkers was looking to pierce with his double-headed axe, in order to get to the fantastic riches he could hear swimming below the surface of this vaguely familiar-looking rocky hillside...


So as Bonkers' axe broke through to the sentient proto-gold, it did so right where the Scarab's disembodied soul was lurking. Things exploded. Mingled. Congealed.


The next thing you know, the Jade Scarab had been resurrected as a 40-foot tall Living Proto-Gold Golem...

And because the Universe (at least the one occupied by Koresh, anyway) can never leave well enough alone, Dolorous discovered something sitting on the ground, right about the time crossbow bolts started to fly.

There was a cone of cold. Screams. And someone rolled a 1...

#dammit

#hateyouall

#backtothedrawingboard

Episode 59: Well, At Least We Got Off That Planet!

It all began so innocently.

It was a straight-up dungeon fight scene. The Squad had the higher ground (a stairwell) and superior firepower (draconic laser tubes), even if they were slightly outnumbered. And The Enigma had managed to not trample on Dolorous while firing upon (and exploderating) a skeleton.

Even Captain Bonkers managed an atypical display of dexterity, failing to trample Dolorous and firing upon (and hitting) Stonehenge. Probably even accidentally.

Stonehenge welcomed the change, as the giant troll's constant battering of him into the dungeon floor was getting old (and his hit points were in danger of falling below 50 - a worrisome spot indeed.)

But just when The Squad was poised to 'kick things into high gear', as it were, the nitpicking gnome of disaster began pulling at the thread of reality, and things began to fall apart.

It began, as it usually does, with Koresh.

Instead of the acid-breathing, forked-finger fonging tsunami of destruction that the Squad is used to (and actually is capable of planning for), Koresh paused for a moment to curl himself inward around his milky-white sphere. He began to pet it. The Enigma even heard the words 'my preciousssss' being uttered.

That wasn't helpful.

What also wasn't helpful was the dark, cowled wizard forking dual bolts of violet light at the stairwell. Not only did they cause Dolorous' BoomHaranging Bone Shards to utterly miss the mark, but they (most unhelpfully) caused the The Captain and Enigma (Love.... Love will keep us two gethuh...) dematerialize in a puff of purple static and rematerialize at the wizard's side, mer purplish clones of their former selves.

And, in rare and concerted effort to be helpful, the Jade Scarab crawled under the wizard's robe and was eaten by a Basket Imp.

It was at this point that Koresh built a small hut out of glowing skeleton bones.

(It should be noted that when the Jade Scarab crawled under the wizard's robe, he was, in fact, in scarab form. It would have been awkward, and probably against the rules of D&D to do it in human form.)

(Also, the Imp would have to have been much bigger.)

Anyway, having led the charge into Failsville, the Jade Scarab decided he'd had enough, and took it upon himself to right the ship - first by having himself vomited up by the Imp, and then by performing a barrel roll, a basket punch and a head squeeze to the wizard - considerably turning the tide in the Party's favor. In fact, things were going so well that when Koresh finally emerged from his exploding hut to attack the giant troll (having become bored with pummeling Stonehenge) he had the wherewithal to detect a slight disturbance in the fabric of reality...

Koresh was just able to gather everyone together when IT appeared.

Big. Dark. Malevolent. And a current employer, apparently.

It started asking questions like "Why have you strayed from the path?" and "What of the tasks we've given you?" After some nervous chitchat, each party member had a vision of the past/future...

...and were plunged into a Hellish cathedral.

(It was at this point things got really weird. The Enigma was turned into a salt lick. The Jade Scarab was cut in half by the Anti-Pope. Captain Bonkers went, well, bonkers and got stuck in - literally. And while the former gnomes stabbed and fonged their way into a winning position against the giant devil, The Enigma became the King of Evil Deer and, riding into the cathedral on the back of his hellish steed, delivered the coup de grace with a well-placed antler butt.)

Then everything went black.

Episode 58: How Many Time Zones Are There In The Known Universe?

Mr. Prim started blankly at the Vectroscope. It had been a Very Trying Week, and the distinct lack of 'plibs' on the Vectroscreen did nothing but magnify his annoyance. _ __ ____ The Ever Mightie had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that the Naugahyde Cotillion had "verrry littttle tyme" to locate the band of minor-league deities and get them back on the Path.

Prim had the tact and strong urge for self-preservation not to ask what would happen if they didn't, but he had a feeling that it would be more than the nullification of their company contract. He redoubled his efforts at the Vectroscope, leaning in over the glowing green screen, knuckles whitening on the control knobs, scanning, scanning....

plib.

At first, he couldn't believe his ears.

plib.

A quick check of the settings and a deft twirl of the tumblers assured him he wasn't just imagin-

plib. plib.

With what passed (for him) as a feeling of elation, he zoomed in on the quadrant, attenuated the Focusizer, and set the Pfhasiur to Stun.

plib. plib. plib.

"Got 'em," he whipered to himself, and to everyone, as he knew he was being observed.

"Athas. They're on Athas, your Eminences." Fingers whirred and tumblers tumbled. "Shall I take The Desk and go have a chat with them?"

"Nø," boomed a voice that came from the floor, the air, and everywhere in between (all at once). "¡ wi∫∫ ∂e@£ w¡†h †hem m¥$e£f."

There was a •pop!•, and the feeling that every other molecule in the air had ceased to exist. It was not an unpleasant sensation, but it went a long way to make one feel like one had been operating under unpleasant circumstances for longer than one had realized.

"Crazy bugger," Prim thought to himself. "Let's see HIM deal with that lot. They're so unstable, I wouldn't be surprised if they-"

Prim sat bolt upright, a strange, puzzled look crept over his face and under his dark glasses. His fingers didn't move, but tumblers tumbled in his mind.

With lightning speed and a sweat of anticipation, he threw himself at the Vectrometer, cranking and wheedling the contraption into maximum focus.

plib. plib. plib. plib. plib. plib. PLIB.

Prim had no idea what was going to happen next.

But he was sure as Hells going to watch.