Episode 34: "Depends" On How You Look At It...

It wasn't supposed to be like this (thought Iryien, thought Xoe, thought Saladin, thought the DM...)

You make something, create it, you control it... right?

"NOT ON THIS NIGHT", saith the gods...

Iryien looked on in helpless exhaustion as SALAYASHI hovered over her dying Sulian. Even as he raised the glowing, crystalline syringe up over his exposed, bacon-scented chest she had the feeling that all was lost, that all was gone from her, that she was just watching a movie - a bad one at that - I mean, couldn't they at least have gotten Peter Jackson to direct it? Even as the syringe was plunged into (insert Sulian's name here)'s heart and he reared up, turned red and attacked SALAYASHI, she let it unfold, watched it dispassionately, she saw her grip on the situation slip, like pants over the hips of an Italian...

Xoe saw things slipping too, as Porthos' flesh bubbled into the stones, melting away into nothingness at the hands of SALAYASHI, (Healer??? Really? He's killed more of our party than the enemy, for Baldur's sake!) she watched her brother calmly strip two frames of their less-than-priceless contents. Umbertino's Two Sheep Humping? Really? I mean, not only is it the least of his works, but sheep don't actually do it like that - not modern, up-to-date ones, anyway - and the less said about The Painter Of Light the better... Did he have any taste at all???

At least she had Aramis left to, oh wait, where was he?

Hmm...

Well, her remaining Guido was dry humping the air at the base of the eel statue. At least that was within the bounds of relatively normal acceptability...

Now Takemiya, on the other hand - he was in complete control - control of the statue as it's crotch opened to reveal a secret passage... control of the eerily glowing sarcophagi containing the underdeveloped simalcra of the entire DCM crew (plus a dwarf???)... incontrol, in fact, of the naked dwarf that was released when Xeno shattered the glass above the growing Saladin's sarcophagus, setting off a chain reaction of explosions, untimely clone-deaths and releasing into the world an angry dwarf with no pants on.

Which brings us to....

Xoe gripped Aramis by the few threads of clothing he had left. He had been caught up in an illusory tryst - one involving the cheap, tawdry woman of his dreams (at the base of a creepy statue in a dungeon under the stronghold of his mistresses' sworn enemy, but whatever...) when Xoe slapped him (perhaps a little too hard) and called him back from the edge - called him back into his clothes - called him back into...

His Pants.

Somewhere in the Void, Trouseronomous, God of Pants, saw a 20 being rolled and smiled...

Aramis felt his legs become encased in 3 square yards of heaven.

Purple seersucker heaven.

In fact, now that his legs, his buttocks, and his $5 footlong had become wrapped up in what can only be described as 'dream trousers', nothing else in the whole world seemed to matter...

Except the naked dwarf who had appeared from below and was now suspiciously eying his pants.

A melee ensued. This multiverse's first 'Pants Off', in fact.

And when the dust settled, and the dwarf's buttocks stopped quivering, one thing was certain: DCM had a new (old?) member, he was wearing the best +5 Protection v. Fire purple seersucker pants imaginable, Aramis was now fully his bitch, and Aramis was now completely unclad.

OK, so that was 4 things.

I really need to regain control of this campaign.