Episode 99: Ragnarok

MechaLance had just attempted to purloin Lord Leikbul's giant warhammer when one of his compatriots drew the final card to his Bifrost Bridge hand. It was, oddly enough, the Ace of Hammers, the last card needed to complete 'Ragnarok' and open the mystical gate to Asgard. The giant threw his cards down on the table, stood up abruptly and bellowed "RAGNAROK!!!!" into the sky.

His two companions looked at the table and the cards. They too started to scream in unison: "RAGNAROK!!" Lord Leikbul, hearing the ruckus, released his grip on his hammer and dropped to the ground. The other three giants leaped off the bazaar's gaming car and drew their warhammers, and immediately set to beating the ground in unison with their chants.

*boom* *boom*

RAGNAROK! *boom* *boom* RAGNAROK! *boom* *boom* RAGNAROK! *boom* *boom*

Lord Leikbul, casting about for a warhammer that wasn't there, turned to the forest behind the the three ships and hollered "FLOEFI!" A large, blue, very familiar-looking dragon rose up and out of the woods 50 yards behind Xeno on the bridge of Agatha. As it beat its wings to gain altitude, Spencer took note, and performed a slow striptease, preparing himself to fire a crotchlaser if needed. Gigamesh, looking out over the forest, could see a faint rainbow wake forming behind the beast, spreading out behind it like a pair of unicorn wings.

Xoe and Takemiya, having just placed 10k on themselves to end the world, looked from the frost giants to the dragon to one another and had the same thought: to return to the Rutvegas gaming table and put 5K down on Hrung Leikbul, just in case.

Floefi rises into the night...

Xeno, seeing the dragon rise out of the woods very near to him, made a move to take the ships out of harm's way, only to notice a whorl of clouds forming and closing in on the area. Asking Agatha for guidance, he determines it too risky to take the ships into the coming storm, and instead opts to attack the dragon single-handedly by trying to fly into his heart.

But as he closes in, Xeno sees and feels a distortion, a ripple in the time-space continuum, and the dragon warps and waves right in front of his eyes. On the ground, the others can see the bluish silhouette ripple, waver, then wink out of sight.

The dragon gets closer. The rippling gets bigger. And then, with an awful tearing, ripping and rending sound, the sky opens up and swallows everyone whole.

__________________________________________________________________________

The floor drops out of your mind and you fall down the elevator shaft of consciousness
and land in the bowling alley of the id.
__________________________________________________________________________

Kobayashi was the first to notice something different. Pain. Pain like he hadn't felt in a while. The pain was coming from his right buttock. His decidedly corporeal buttock. He was sitting on a rock, somewhere on a flat, rocky plain. Here, he saw Takemiya, there, Xoe. Gigamesh. Spencer. Everyone but Xeno, it would appear. It was night. And over yonder, about 100 yards away, there it was...

Not quite as expected...

Bifrost.

At this end, a gate. Looming large, made of wrought iron...

And storming towards it, from the gloom off to the left, were the four frost giants. They were making their way purposefully towards the bridge. Lord Leikbul was reaching into a pouch at his waist and spreading what appeared to be bony peas behind him. As they walked, the peas hit the ground, sprouted, and grew into an army of frost giants.

Shown smaller than actual size.

Takemiya headed to the gate. Fleet of foot, he arrived well ahead of the frost giants and made a grisly discovery. He found another giant lying on the ground. His throat had been cut, and black blood spilled out on the sand in front of the gate. He clutched a large horn (made of horn) in his cold, dead hand. Takemiya quickly pried it loose and made away with it, back to the rest of the group.

Xoe, on an unceasing quest for strange and bizarre magical items, tried to circle around behind the giants in order to procure a few specimens for herself. But a strange glittering light from behind her caused her to pause for what turned out to be a crucial moment. For behind her, Gigamesh was aiming a handheld lighting device up under Spencer's robes. The scintillating light raced through Spencer's skeleton and was focused into a deadly beam of energy, emanating from his pelvis. The beam caught the frost giants unaware, and cut them all down from behind. Xoe hops up, and immediately heads for the giants. She procures Leikbul's bag.

It's actually good for him...

Gigamesh turned off the beam. Spencer was no longer in his robes. Instead, he was wearing black pants, and a black t-shirt for the band "Götterdämmerung". He was smoking a cigarette, French inhaling so the smoke trailed from his mouth into his crystalline nosehole and out the sides of his skull.

Suddenly, a large figure appeared on the bridge. He appeared to be carrying a small child. As the large, muscular man drew nearer, it could be seen that it was Xeno in his arms. The man put Xeno down gently just inside the wrought iron gate. Xeno stretched, looked around sleepily and exchanged words with the man. As the others watched in wonder, they could see the exchange get heated. In an instant, the man threw Xeno though the gate and out onto the plain. Xeno's crumpled body lay still for a few moments, twitched, then slowly picked itself up and dusted itself off.

Seeing Xeno rise up from the ground, the man immediately went to the gates and tore them open. He was stopped in his tracks by the body of the dead giant at his feet. Takemiya clutched his newly-acquired horn nervously as the man seemed to be looking about the corpse for something, turning him over as if he was searching for an object that he knew was in the giant's possession. the man finally looked up and noticed the group of onlookers and immediately stormed forth to confront them.

Xeno made an attempt to distract the man's charge by hurling pebbles and trying to fong, but he only succeeded in becoming a victim of his wrath as he turned and bore down on him instead. Takemiya, seeing what could yet again be the end of Xeno's life, tried to distract the giant by blowing his stolen horn. But alas, he had neither the skill nor the giant mouth to coax a note from the magical instrument.

"WHAT, BY ALL THE GODS IN ASGARD, IS YOUR NAME, PUNY MORTAL???" the big man bellowed, spittle and bile foaming down on Xeno in intermittent gobs. Xeno, caught up in a genuine wave of mortal panic cowered, trembled, and knees knocking, could only squeak "Pamela?"

The big man threw his head back and roared laughter. He stooped down and put a beefy arm around Xeno's shoulders. "I LIKE THIS GUY! PAMELA INDEED! HAHA!" The mood was lifted and the others joined the two new friends. Takemiya guiltily handed over the horn to the man who introduced himself as the god of thunder, Thor.

Thor looked over the pile of frost giant halves as well as the puddles of liquefying proto-giants and clucked his godly tongue. "Wow. We are indebted to you indeed. Who knows how this plot would have played out. You just may have spared us the end of known reality."

Thor turned to Xoe and winked. Xoe had many thoughts. Very few of them were nice ones.

Episode 98: The Transverse Bazaar

Having settled on what exactly did and did not happen after the hallucinations brought on by the mushroom tea, Xoe was informed by Dashiell that a unidentified object was entering the area. In the fields on the other side of town, a large mechanical caterpillar was approaching. It sported numerous banners, and appeared to host a number of humanoids on each of its five open-air segments. Large, clockwork legs pumped up and down, but they appeared to be merely ornamental, as Xoe surmised that each segment was likely propelled on its own set of wheels.

Some of the crew had gathered on the outer decks to watch the strange vehicle's approach - and it was Aramis that first detected the smell of top-notch barbecue wafting on the breeze. An exploration party was soon formed, and a small group headed out to investigate the strange vehicle.

Things Get Bazaar

As the group approached from the meadow, the sights, smells and sounds of a traveling bazaar greeted them warmly. The caterpillar had sidled up to the road as it exited the town, and the numerous stragglers left over from the concluded Modron March now filed into the separate compartments and were being greeted by the hawkers, salesmen and various bartenders of the lepidopteral vehicle.

While the THREE GUIDOS, SPENCER, GIGAMESH and KOBAYASHI (with attendant pink parasol-wielding tiger-zombie) headed for the aft dining car, THE ENIGMA entered the open car just behind the enclosed 'head' car of the caterpillar. After browsing the car full of 'soft goods' (and stopping to haggle a fake beard) he proceeded on to what appeared to be a moneychanging car. But it was the contents of the third car, the 'gaming car' that truly caught his eye. For there were booths of games, from YOU BET YOUR SOUL! to BIFROST BRIDGE; TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES was set up next to $25,000 TESSERACT; And a PHARAOH TAROT booth partially obscured the great shifting chalkboards displaying RUTVEGAS' LATEST BETTING LINES.

Meanwhile, in the aft compartment, the group was greeted warmly by HARRIET MUDD, the dreadlocked and mustachioed woman who apparently ran what she called THE TRANSVERSE BAZAAR. She welcomed everyone aboard, guided the Guidos to JIMMY JOE'S SAUSAGE STALL, and quite conspiratorially directed Spencer towards THE CRYSTAL PALACE, a crystalline bar set up on the opposite side of the car...

A skeleton walks into a bar...

Once there, Gigamesh and Spencer meet LAHORE HAUS, a shapelier, more feminine version of Spencer, who informs them that she's a GOLEM LIBERATIONIST and inquires into whether Spencer is a free or bonded golem. She informs him that he has a CHEM, an object containing his instructions and possibly his owner, lodged in the base of his skull. She refers him to MARIMBO MAMBO, a collector of mineral antiquities, who may have a QUANTUM LODESTONE - a device that may help Spencer remove his chem and become free.

In the dining car, the Guidos are introduced to Jimmy John, an effeminate sausage peddler who invites the three below decks for salacious purposes. It is at this time that Koresh's zombie starts to fall apart, exposing Kobayashi to the sun's killing rays. Retreating to the darkness below decks, he soon discovers the guidos trying on a number of latex hoods for Jimmy Joe, who seems to be entering a state of increased agitation. Kobayashi, sensing inappropriate motives on the sausage king's part, moves in to investigate and accidentally causes the meat hawker's demise.

The Enigma, in the gaming car, has settled on a tarot reading with the Pharaoh, who turns out to be a stereotypical gypsy fortuneteller as played by Samuel L. Jackson. Pharaoh suspects the Enigma has two timelines, and when Enigma lifts his own head off his shoulders, offers a double reading for free.  The reading reveals that his life is unfolding as a large-scale game of strategy and chance, played against an unseen opponent who may or may not be a very powerful undead wizard, and that "things are fucked up, as usual". As a reward for not committing any further weirdness, the gypsy hands him a Deck of Many Things, which Enigma (rather bravely, I thought) immediately used to draw one card. The card did not slay him outright, steal his soul or cause him to fight a minor Death. Instead he was left holding a single blue poker chip...

Back on Dashiell, Xoe starts to feel an irritation building in the small of her back. Absentmindedly scratching away at it, she is noticed by Ragnar who, after some awkward small talk, offers to take a look. She reluctantly agrees, and when Ragnar looks, he sees that Xoe's tattoo seems to be somewhat infectede. "What tattoo?" she cries, and Ragnar describes it to her: 

Xoe.T6.37hp

A little annoyed, she decides to leave the ship and head on over to the bazaar, but not before Dashiell asks if she would like to hear the poem of the day. She nods, then the three ships' voices combine into one again and incant:

Born a King on Astaroth's plain, Lode I bring to stone him again, King forever, ceasing never, over us all to reign.

Xoe leaves the ship and heads off alone, struggling to scratch her back whilst trying to keep her head above the billowing stalks of knee-high grass.

Look into my eyes...

Back at the Bazaar, Gigamesh and Spencer find Marimbo Mambo, a three-eyed, blue-skinned creature offering a large amount of exotic wares. When Spencer mentions the Lodestone, Mambo grows wary, but nonetheless shows him the one he has on hand. The heavy, almost life-sized bronze skull fritters and whibbles with traceries of acid-green light. Mambo asks for a trade - what does Spencer have to offer? "Two souls and a Vorpal Dagger." "Two souls? Who do they belong to?" "Right now, me." Mambo accepts the dagger in trade, and, returning to their barstools at the Crystal Palace, Spencer places the Lodestone on the bar and stares into its deep, dark, eye sockets...

Takemiya has now taken his coin to the next booth, and decides to play $25,000 Tesseract. He no sooner sits down before the weird, shifting shape then he is standing again, seemingly instantly, holding a handful of red poker chips. Seeing this as the boon foretold by the card he drew from the Deck, he immediately looks to place it on a wager and heads to the next stall to see what Rutvegas is offering odds on... and his heart stops in his throat.

Xoe has by now reached the Bazaar, and finds the Enigma, who is hurrying to share the news of the betting board. Xoe is anxious to tell of her tattoo, and a cursory check of the Enigma's back shows the same sort of marks on the small of his back, only reading:

TaS.Mo7.24hp

Twin beams of green light hit Spencer in his eye sockets as he temporarily goes blind. Scintillating colors effuse from his hood for a second, then go out s quickly as they came. Spencer then hears a *click* in the back of his skull and, reaching back, pulls a curious Device from the back of his skull...

  

The hell is this thing?

While Gigamesh sets to work creating the piece of advanced technology that would enable the group to decipher Spencer's chem, Xoe and the Enigma return to the ship to gather up 10,000 gold pieces and place a bet on "Xeno, et al".

While at the betting booth, Gigamesh spots a group of frost giants playing Bifrost Bridge, and spots a large, two-headed hammer leaning on the back of the chair of one of the larger, furrier and beskulled giants. Recognizing the hammer (from Xoe's description) as a Hammer +5 vs Gnomes, he asks MechaLance to procure it for him. Reaching over the caterpillar, 'Lance plucks the hammer from behind the giant - but not deftly enough. The giants stands, snarling, and leaps up to grab the head of the mighty weapon. As 'Lance lifts the giant high into the air, his fellows, leaping up and spilling cards every which way, cry out "WE WILL AID YOU, LORD LEIKBUL!!!"

Episode 97: The Eventuality Prism

Xeno looked down at his wavering, transparent body. It was not at all what he expected to see. Ghost, he could handle. Tall, he had rather grown accustomed to of late. But githzerai, well - that was not at all what he was prepared for or willing to deal with.

"Why aren't you a gnome?" asked Kobayashi - who was looking a whole lot more solid - in fact, was the solidist, realest person in the group right now. Xeno felt a supreme peeve building up. Not only did he hate not having an answer for the dead monk, but even more than that he hated not having an answer for himself.

"I don't know, CHAOS??" He hoped that would mollify him. For the time being, it did.

Having reclaimed Rodant, the crew returns to the trio of ships, only to find an agitated Xoe on the deck of Dashiell. She tells of a captive mind flayer who, for reasons known only to him, asks for Xeno by name.

When the crew investigates, they find the old illithid BERGENHEIS, who is at first surprised to find Xeno isn't gnome. But as both Xeno and Kobayashi bristle and call for the immediate execution of the prisoner, Bergenheis attempts to stay the execution by asserting his claim that he is merely trying to keep the entire universe from ending. Temporarily intrigued, they let him live, and Bergenheis tells of his people coming into possession of a device known as the EVENTUALITY PRISM - an object that refracts time into its component elements and reveals the future that is most likely to happen.

In the future that was revealed by the mind flayers, however, it appears that Xeno is responsible for the destruction of the entire universe.

"LIES!" cries Xeno, who immediately attempts the keening wail of a banshee in order to slay Bergenheis. Fortunately for the rest of the crew present in the small room, Xeno does not appear to have that power. Instead, it is Bergenheis that throws Xeno's mind into a tumult with a psionic blast that sends Xeno back to the playground of his youth, where Xeno succumbs to visions  of loneliness, isolation and mushroom dodgeball. Bob the Mushroom (from Aquae Sulis) makes an appearance,  as does Clavdivs, who informs him that he he is now communicating to him through the mushroom tea...

At this point, Spencer, fearing losing Xeno to the illithid, tries to intervene with his scythe, but fails. He refers to Spencer as a 'refraction golem' and freezes him on the spot.

Bergenheis then releases Xeno from his grip, and again attempts to assure him that he is an ally. Bergenheis recalls the course of events after using the Prism, and how it was revealed that the universe would end with Xeno slaying the Creator - the being responsible for the very existence of the universe - with a weapon carved from a single piece of sapient pearwood.

The mind flayers then mobilized - gathering a fleet of over 200 ships to scour the crystal sphere for Xeno and every last scrap of pearwood. They had nearly exterminated every last pearwood tree known to exist - only to find the last one had been taken off Athas by two humans and a Mul. They traced Xeno to the Rock of Braal, only to find that he had skipped out in a ship won from Abdullah Faloon. They eventually traced both to the planet Ata'ri, and had sent a strikeship down to get one or the other, only to lose the ship off of Port Harbor and never hear from it again. #deathcommandos

Xeno again becomes agitated, not wanting to hear Bergenheis out. The mind flayer pleads with him to listen - calling upon the 'discertainty principle' - the belief that by revealing the primary eventuality to certain involved parties, one can change the certainty of the eventuality.

Xeno and Kobayashi, having had enough of Bergenheis' talk, attack and kill him on the spot.

As his body melts away, the only thing left behind is an amulet which bears a curious symbol...

Episode 96 - Tiny Pink Parasols

The crew of the ship now known as 'Agatha' stood in a confused, awkward circle on the bridge of the ship. It had been a hectic few minutes, what with Kobayashi being ejected from the Spelljamming helm, Gigamesh fending off the town constabulary with a forged/created ex nihilo parking permit, and Koresh swan-diving off the ship not to his death - but to his ultimately fatal stupidity. For as he stood next to the newest arrival (a black-cloaked figure of rather gaunt proportions) he decided it would be a Good Idea to try and wrest Kobayashi's soul from Spencer's thigh.

And that's when Spencer killed him.

It was a mere back-of-the-hand swat - the dismissive sort of cuff that would normally incense the raging mountain of chaos that is Koresh into outrageous acts of senseless violence. Instead, it killed him stone dead. And as his addled yet muscular tiger-body crumpled into a soft, furry heap, a wavering, blue spectre - a ghost - remained standing upright and looking petulantly down at the corpse at his feet.

*And there was much amazement.

The confused, contentious chatter that followed was interrupted by the face of Xoe, displayed at several times its usual size, on the large display window at the front of the bridge.

"Hey, you guys got any food that's fit for people over there?"

Gigamesh turned from the screen, looked at his assembled cohorts one by one, then turned back to the window and quipped "Well, we don't really have much in the way of dietary requirements here, but we certainly haven't found anything you'd really want to eat."
"Neither have we. Rodant wants to head over to the town to try and buy some supplies. He's taking Object as an escort. You know, in case the inevitable happens. And hey - have you noticed how these talkwindows have just sort of grown out of the existing ship architecture? They're not illithid tech. They've happened since my brother's... thing. By the way, where is the lumbering oaf?"
"He's dead."
"Oh. Well, he's been in worse spots. Rodant and Object are heading out now. We'll keep an eye on them. Xoe out."

Xoe's face winked out and was replaced by a view of the meadow and the town beyond it. The figures of Object and Rodant could be seen cutting a path through the tall grasses, heading towards the town. The smoldering ruin created by Spencer's pelvis was still smoldering, but a bucket brigade had formed, and the situation seemed under control.

Agatha's voice suddenly resonated throughout the ship. "Would anyone like to hear the poem of the day?" The crew looked from one to another in a slightly puzzled fashion. The Enigma spoke up: "Yes, Agatha. We'd love to hear it."

A voice that sounded like three voices speaking in unison, each an octave off one another, resounded (it would be confirmed later) throughout all three ships. They intoned, chanted, incanted:

We three things of occident are

seeking gifts in transverse bazaar,

quark and gluon, tau and muon,

basking in Chaos Star.

Again, puzzled looks were passed around the crew like a damp roach at a rainy bus stop.

"Thank you, Agatha," said Enigma. "What is the poem about?"
"What poem?"
"The one you just..." Uncertainty. "...recited to us?"
"I recited no poem."

The roach was passed around once more. Its effects were definitely starting to kick in. Gigamesh scratched his head, while Koresh's ghost attempted desperately to work its way back inside his body. The spectre of Kobayashi sidled up to his master and whispered into his helmet:

"Agatha has kicked me out of the Spelljamming helm. We have no idea how this ship now operates. Perhaps we should take this time and ask for a tour?"

The Enigma looked at Gigamesh. Gigamesh looked at Spencer. Spencer turned his darkened hood in the general direction of the Enigma.

"Agatha?"
"Yes?"
"We are interested in how you move the ship. Since you don't seem to require the services of a Spelljammer, can you show us how the ship now moves?"
"You wish to see the Chaosphere?" Chills ran down all but one spine.
"Yes, that would be excellent, thank you."
"This way."

The Enigma and Gigamesh exited the bridge through a small doorway opposite the viewwindow. Without knowing why, The Enigma instinctively knew which path to take, which hallways led to the dead-end passage that terminated in a small, nondescript door that bore a neat, handpainted sign that simply read 'SUPPLIES'. The Enigma turned back and looked up at Gigamesh, who gave him a look that said 'you go right ahead, man'. The Enigma turned back around, gripped the cheap brass doorknob, and turned....

The space beyond was as black as space and almost as big. And spinning slowly off in the distance - was if 15 feet or 15 miles? - was a tetrahedron that emitted an acid-green light. Across the surface of the tetrahedron, copper-colored flat shapes silently slid, bumping into and off of each other in a continual dance of randomness. From in between the shapes - squares, circles - shot the flickering beams of verdant light that tried in vain to illuminate the void in which the tetrahedron was suspended. The slowly tumbling, flickering pyramid entranced The Enigma momentarily, enough to cause him to take a step within the black room where the bottom immediately dropped out of his mind.

Suddenly, the green tetrahedron shot away and into the distance, growing infinitely small in just under an instant. But before the tiny pinprick of greenish light went out altogether, a flash of purple light flew from behind the Enigma, past his right ear, and out in front of his eyes. A dodecahedron, glowing similarly from within with a shimmering violet light and fluid, golden triangles and circles swimming across its surface, stopped momentarily before the Enigma's eyes before zooming off again into infinity. An orange cube followed suit, with mercurial squares and circles sliding randomly across the cubes rotating surface.

The cube, after a brief pause, disappeared as quickly as it came, only to be followed not by a shape, but by a vaguely humanoid face. One... two... three human faces zipped past the Enigma, two males and a female. And as the last streaked past with the sound of tremulous glass she opened her eyes, stared into the very depths of the Enigma's helmet, and with a high-pitched *pwinggg* pushed him gently back out of the room.

Temporarily stunned, the Enigma looked around and found Gigamesh still peering over his shoulder.

"So are you going to go in or what?"

Not quite yet feeling himself, the Enigma turned back to see the room was just as he'd found it - a single, rotating, glittering tetrahedron floating in the darkness. He noticed a dull, throbbing ache radiating up his left arm from his hand. He looked down, and saw the white knuckles on his left hand as he squeezed the doorknob. He quickly let go, as if it had been hot. The brass knob was warped and imprinted with his fingerprints, as if it had been made of clay...

By the time the Enigma and Gigamesh returned to the bridge, Kobayashi were having an animated discussion. Kobayashi turned to his master.

"The rodent Kapoor has been detained. Something about not having the right permit. He's being held in a detention center near the middle of town. I think we should go find him, but the sun gives me... trouble."
"If only we had an umbrella," volunteered the cook. "You could carry it with you to block out the sun." 

"I can't carry an umbrella," whined the undead acolyte. "I'm noncorporeal!"
"No problem," said Spencer. "I'll have my zombie carry it for you."
"THAT'S MY BODY YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" wailed the quavering shade of Koresh. "I WILL PROBABLY DO NO SUCH THING!!!"
"Don't worry, man," said Spencer. "I'll make sure he doesn't get harmed."

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked from face to face in that expectant manner of an elevator full of people who consider pushing buttons someone else's job.

"Oh!" Gigamesh started from a miniature reverie. "I got this." He left the bridge and headed out to the open deck. He gazed out over the meadow that lay between the three ships and the town. The burning house had finally been extinguished. He turned over various economic models in his mind.

He closed his eyes and focused. He extended his arms out over the railing and tried to congeal atoms and light and energy out of the void. Someone behind him whispered something about pink parasols.

Suddenly, in the meadow below, appeared a Chinese phonebooth. Attached to one side was a rickety bicycle made of bamboo. On the bike, an old Chinese man sat pedaling. Opposite the man, out the door of the booth, popped pink parasols, one after another. They piled up in the grass. Gigamesh giggled.


That's when the Goat of Chaos visited our oft unhappy chonicler, forcing him to finish the tale at a later date. Be sure to tune in later to hear tales of brazen boulevards, chaotic crosswalks, and daring detentions.

Also, the Crimson Tsar!

Episode 95c - Spencer's Take

Him Becomes Death

You know, for someone with a bony ass, sitting the rail of a ship is kind of uncomfortable. 

The large one, he addresses me!

Uhhhh............ "I am Spencer and I am a cook?"

Smooth, oh so smooth. I'm not sure why they keep asking me questions. I am 10 minutes old.

Very tiny people started shouting at us. Something about paying for "parking". The large one made some kind of paper appear and they seemed satisfied with that.

Sorted. 

An excitable furry man showed up and started talking about something, I'm not sure if I missed what he said because it made no sense to me or simply due to  the rapid, staccato, mortal speech he was using. I shudder to think what his metabolism is like. He will be visiting us soon.

At this point the dead one came up and I guess the ship started talking to us. Agatha seems like a kindred soul. Sort of. For someone as old as I am she seems so much more competent.

Koresh made a swipe at the dead one and became dumber.  Way dumber.  He decided to jump off of the air ship thingy.  I wanted to helpfully teleport down to collect his soul from his broken form and I forgot my robes.  The uncontrolled channeling of light led to a massive pelvic thrust of destruction that burned down the home of an elderly women.  She was quite cross. Also Koresh was still alive. 

Bummer.

At any rate I teleported back up to the ship with him in the hopes he would be that dumb again and finish the job .

Soldiers marched out from the town. GODS ABOVE AND BELOW!!! How did  I miss the giant metal hominid? He handled them though.

The Big E takes what appeared to be a drunk, belligerent sword from Koresh. 

I am awestruck by the beauty of the cosmos.

Oi, you little brat, stop dry humping my leg.

Smack.

Oh dear, I hope management wasn't watching.

I animate his corpse and try to stuff his soul back in. This is NOT how it is supposed to work.

Episode 95b - The Enigma's Take

Helmet, Sweet Helmet

It was weird, but oh so familiar, to have my consciousness back in this massive helmet.  Trying to get used to it, I became aware of the new stranger in our midst, the black-robed one that Madmartigan, that is, Gigamesh, was trying unsuccessfully to pump for information.  The stranger gave his name, but it sounded very unconvincing, "dispenser, uh, that is Spencer".  I tried out my newly restored telepathic power, but all I heard from his mind was an echo of my own thoughts, like shouting "hello?" into an empty spelljammer hangar.

Soon enough we had other matters on our minds, like the fact that the ship had become sentient and booted Kobayashi out of the helm.  Agatha, she called herself.  Again I attempted telepathy, and Agatha replied aloud "that won't be necessary".

We were hailed by a familiar figure, Rodant, from one of the other Nautiloids, and found out that both the other ships were now (if "now" makes any sense any more) being crewed by our erstwhile allies.

Before long, a delegation of small, officious functionaries came from the town, demanding parking fees of 12 gold pieces per day for the right of parking our ships there.  Gigamesh dealt with them, first attempting to negotiate a lower price, then displaying a brand-new talent, manufactured a convincing gold-lettered parking permit, marked "paid", valid for the next 5 days.  This satisfied the delegation, and back they went.

Sometime around this point, Koresh decided to see how corporeal Kobayashi was, and put his hand through what proved to be an incorporeal void.  Not quite void, though, as the contact reduced Koresh to a gibbering idiot, whereupon he decided to dive for the amber waves of ground below.  I attempted to slow his descent by dispatching my helm, but was too late to intercept him.  Still, he survived the fall remarkably well, with only a sprained ankle, or somesuch trifle.

Spencer teleported to the ground to retrieve Koresh, but somehow forgot to bring his robe.  Thus revealed, we all saw that he was a crystal skeleton, with a femur containing a glowing green light within.  The sun happened to shine through his pelvis in just the right/wrong way, and a house in the town caught fire.  A woman started gesticulating to some nearby soldiers, pointing at the ship, and said soldiers started out towards us.

About this time I got a sense that something very bad was going on in town (way beyond our usual trouble, "sorry, we didn't MEAN to burn down your building/stockade/town").  We decided to land our party on the ground to investigate.  The ship lowered, ladders were dispatched, and we all alit on the field.  I attempted to tell Koresh that he might benefit from going to his happy place, but to no avail.  Spencer had the thought that a backhand slap might persuade him to go there, but to everyone's surprise, the slap instead KILLED him.  In some misguided attempt to return the favor Xeno did for me when he trapped my soul in the helmet, I got his sword, Dave, from his lifeless body, but Dave immediately imprinted on me and seemed to forget his previous master.

Our amateurish experiments in reviving the gnome ended when we saw rank after rank of rotund (maybe "spherical" is a better word) creatures marching out of the town, right over the encamped army waiting outside, paying them no more heed than if they were crunching over snails.  Every few rows there was a non-round (cubical, in fact) creature marching with them.  Just when we thought things couldn't possibly get any weirder...

Episode 95a - Gigamesh's Take

Right, so, like, next thing I know, I'm like 8 feet freaking tall, and know I can do all this weird shit, like if I want to, right? (like make stuff out of thin air, and boost my stats up to 25, at the detriment of other stats, as long as the things exist) And Lance is a big metal monkey.

And there's this other dude, right? In a big black robe, only inside he's a diamond skeleton? He's not very forthcoming about details as to who he is, other than he can cook, and would make a ragout out of a partially flayed bear, if presented with one. Takemiya says "And they call ME 'The Enigma'"

Apparently the robed skeleton dude's name is Spencer, which is apparently short for something. He also talks to someone who isn't there quite a bit.  It's kind of weird, but no weirder than I've experienced in the last several days.

(when he takes off his cloak, Kobayashi (still in the pilot's seat, who sees a null where Spencer is) suddenly can sense him and feels a direct connection with Spencer's thigh bone.  in part described as "a fond, yet taciturn moribundity")

and then the Vietnamese parking authority shows up, wanting money, so I make a parking permit, good for 5 days, paid in full (3GP) 

Somewhere in here a 4' tall rat-dude shows up, and Xeno/Koresh wants to start a bank.

Then apparently the ship (Agatha) has become sentient and kicks Kobayashi out of the pilot's seat. saying "your services will no longer be required."

Somewhere along the line, she also informs Xeno/Koresh that "There is no need to loot me"

Then Xeno/Koresh takes a swipe at the semi-corporeal form of Kobayashi, and becomes an imbecile and decides to go swimming in the amber waves of grain 30' below us. 

Spencer goes *bamf* and teleports down to X/K and then *bamf* brings him back up.

Lance is now Mechalance, and knows semaphore/sign language, but can only say "Koko loves ball"

Spencer tries to teleport and forgets his robes. the sunset then focuses through his diamond bones and destroys a house. a little old lady points at us and 7 guards come towards us.  I have Mechalance use his hypnogaze to stop them. He CHARGES them, getting their attention and shoots rainbow colored rays at them and they stop dead. (a bit more showy than I had expected, to be honest) I have him release them, and they shakily return to the town.

The Enigma takes Dave the Sword out of X/K's pants, and then loses his memory, but informs us that "something really chaotic is going to happen in the town"  and he's right. There's a lot of clanking, and a big amber beam of light, and all of a sudden there are rank upon rank of round metal robot-men, marching through the assembled army from elsewhere.  whenever they found resistance, they counter-attacked, otherwise they just walked all over them.  every 12 rows of these guys, there was a single cube-shaped one.

...and that's all I got.