What Happened on My Unsummer Vacation: An essay by Xoe

Never listen to Xeno.

I should know this by now. I have always known this, but sometimes you just get swept up in the whole "dying, undying, being reborn, getting ancient dragon powers, dying, undying, bamfing, getting resurrected by a shadow empress, dying, spectrally self-defibrillating, and so on" thing. Your priorities get a little muddled.

Nonetheless, I should've known not to pay attention when he started poking around the new and different level of...hell? The Abyss? Who knows anymore...where we found ourselves on our Unsummer Vacation. The giant pile of not-quite-dead chickens was the first sign that something was wrong. The gigantic demon-thing in the center of the room was the second. Xeno, of course, immediately tried to either ally with it or kill it, whichever seemed more expedient. I was still feeling a little tingly from the whole defibrillation thing, and tried to stay out of the fray, but when someone hits your brother with a giant demon fist, you're kind of morally obligated to step in.

I really have to get a grip on those stupid morals.

Is it really "listening to Xeno" when he's mostly just mumbling incoherently and trying to pry things out of a chicken trough? Can I make that distinction? Regardless, out came my trusty dagger of venom and in went the injector point. Darn demon-thingie was tough, though, and it took quite a lot of bashing by my compatriots to get him to go down for the count.

And then I woke up as a chicken. Undead chicken. Thing. Yeah.

Never listen to Xeno.

Episode 76: Shitstorm

It started so innocently.

With a bloodcurdling squeak, Xeno leaped at the Count, knocking him backwards onto the large circular table. Sitting astride Fundus, the diminutive gnome then proceeds to take the Count's ascot into his quivering hands and starts churning - violently and percussively choking/bludgeoning the man with his own neckwear. 

Takemiya and the rest of DCM turned to witness Xeno's latest fit of inappropriate public behavior, and were surprised to see that the rest of the patrons of The Barking Spider seemed to take no notice. In fact, only one person patron being creature abhorrently nightmarish spectre seemed to take notice of anyone, and that was the growling, slavering, demonic two-headed infant that had started to claw its way malevolently up the sturdy oak leg of a table that currently held the supine (as opposed to prone - who knew?) and unmoving body of Xoe.

Xoe, for her part, was just as surprised as anyone to be looking down at her inert body from a spot some six feet above the table. Her first thought was "Oh, great - my head's ended up in a gravy boat..." Her second was "God, I hope it's not the eel gravy." It wasn't until she had mentally come to terms with all things gravy that she realized "Yikes! There's an abhorrently nightmarish spectre clawing it's way towards my supine-and-not-prone body! Oh, and I'm dead."

Takemiya was the next to notice things weren't adhering to a strictly reality-based unfolding... As he watched, the ascot-churning gnome worked himself into such a state that the Count's table collapsed. This finally caused one of the Count's dining partners to take notice and stand up. Only when he did, he kept standing up and up and up until he reached nearly nine feet of full-on frost gianty height. Takemiya felt the chill winds of north blow up his robe as he recognized one of the meaner and impolite frost giants of the northern wastes. 

Not to be deprived of an opportunity to save the day, Kobayashi acted with swift decisiveness and immediately rushed in to heal the towering giant. Aiming his Jade Hand at the giant's chest, the novice brought a contorted grimace to the giant's face as he clutched his heart and fell to his knees. 

A singular cry of "FOR AQVA SVLIS!" rose above the growing din, and a Sulian, who had apparently been enjoying a Swordhilter Rib Platter, rose up and hurled a spear at the giant. The spear stuck in his bicep, causing the giant even more distress. Ragnar leaped into the fray, but an unfortunate die roll meant that he ended the turn being nutted by the giant, and the last thing he saw was Kobayashi's floppy, ragdoll body flying into him after the giant swatted the young novice away like a little girl.

By now, Xoe was noticing that the evil baby had made its way onto the table and was lewdly clawing its way up her leg. Shocked and revolted, she floated down and tried to arrest its progress, only to find that her spectral hand passed through the thing. Mustering all her chi, Xoe reached in and tried to crush its tiny little cherrylike hearts.

She did..

Taking a bit of inspiration, Xoe reaches down to self-defibrilate her corpse back to life. I, your trusty DM, have now pretty much seen as much shit if not more than any other DM at this point in time, so I say 'Hey, sure. Why the hell not. Roll a 30."

I don't even have to look.

I know it's a 29.

Gasping and sputtering, Xoe comes to life

The lights flickered, and as Lil Sauron appeared to engage the giant (what the hell is happening here?) Kobayashi notices the satyr at the bar, as well as a phonebooth-shaped bottle behind the bar. The monk starts to piece together the fact that they are not dealing with reality here, but with someone or something tapping into the party's collective memories of their time on Lungfish Isle...

The lights darken, and the temperature drops. Xoe, now alive again again (again?) makes her way to the back of the tavern. She sees the Ladies' Room, only the symbol on the door is one of a reclining woman, a woman on fire.

Beyond is a luxurious bedroom, with a deep, dark red carpet. A canopied bed. The sound of someone breathing...

It grows darker still, and now the darkness is on Xeno, who stands up from the Counts lifeless body, letting the bloody ascot fall from his hands. A blackness forms in the middle of the room. A blackness with two eyes. They stare a Xeno. He stares back. As the chilling fear griops him, he feels his bowels turn to liquid and a painful cramp tells him he's pulled a Ragnar.

Only this time, there's no shit.

There's a spear.

A shining, silver spear and with one fluid, if not diarrhetic, motion Xeno flings the spear int the growing growling diamondlike heart of the dark and evil being...

And everything went white.

46% of island to DCM - 45 of quiet side + 1% that is DCMHQ

Episode 75: Into The Tardis

Once everyone went through the phone booth, things went pretty black...

The Dowager Empress seemed to preside over a strange, black realm of negative energy. She apparently could control anyone entering and moving about the strange shadow pocket...

Xoe spoke up and winked out.

The Empress spoke up and said that it was not her son Chang that was the problem, but Englebert was the twisted one. She pegged him as being the one manipulating things behind the scenes on Lungfish Isle and working actively against DCM Enterprises. 

She offered to help by sending the gang home, outside the clutches of the Prince, to begin the fight against the true despot of the isle.

She sent them back home.

To DCM HQ.

In front of the bonearena.

Whereupon the crew set out to the Barking Spider.

And found Fundus.

And a melee ensued...

Episode 74: Stuck In The Middle With You

While Xeno was out throttling his sworn enemy, Xoe, Ragnar, Takemiya and Kobayashi were exploring the strangely familiar statue in the prince's fwa-yay. It was indeed the very one encountered on the night of the foray into Chang Kai Eel's lair - the night they got Fundus high on scumble and discovered the resuscitated simulacrum of Ragnar in the eerie chamber below - accessed through a secret panel hidden in the inner thigh of the poor, eel-tormented man. The four of them were now debating a plan to quietly access the secret door which was in the middle of a fountain and now, in the middle of a public shaming after-party.

After a long debate failed to produce anything greater than the old 'pretend the dwarf is drunk and wants to go for a swim' ploy, the group was saved further embarrassment when the DM unveiled the old 'mysterious figure emerges from the secret panel' ploy. A very dark, silhouetted figure with glowing eyes and a compelling demeanor stood in the hollow of the Laocoon's enormous muscled thigh and drew Xoe in with his dark, enchanted gaze. As she floated across the water, her 'fellows', her 'friends', her brothers-in-arms' just watched and failed to act until she was swallowed whole by the malevolent sculpture's nethery regions.

Only then did they leap into action.

And leap into action they did...

The three noble adventurers leaped into the fray, fearlessly throwing themselves into the thigh of the unknown, hurtled themselves down the staircase of uncertainty, and dove headlong into the strange, glowing portal of adversarial escape and into...

...an ornate, Muralian  sleeping chamber., one where even the doilies labored under a thousand layers of ancient lacquer, and the dust was so old it had a pedigree. The carpet was thick enough to hide cutlery, and the large, canopied bed could easily conceal an elephant.

Or worse.

Finding Xoe nowhere in the bedchamber, Ragnar elected to dive headfirst under the bed.  It was there that he discovered that the entire underside of the (what's the next size up from a 'king'?) mattress was a convoluted, writhing mass of articulated tentacles, tubes and webbing. Ye gods, thought Ragnar, this mattress is ALIVE!!!

So he decided to poke it. It sucked him up.

Takemiya, only tangentially aware of the dwarf as he slid past his ankles, braved a  peep between the curtains of the bed and found Prince  Englebert  sleeping peacefully on his back...

...next to his conjoined twin, Chang Kai Eel. 

Takemiya froze - and in that moment, the Prince awoke - his gaze fixed directly at Takemiya. Panic seized him. Well, it didn't so much as sieze him as, well, he sort of felt pressed into immediate action and, well, the whole Muralian-twin thing was a bit of a shock, and, I mean, what would you do? 

So he punched him.

Or tried to punch him.

But before he could so much as form a fist, the Prince lashed out with his left arm and struck him with an open palm right in the solar plexus, knocking a watery double - a whole, Takemiya-shaped being made entirely of water - out of Tak's body and splashing across the back wall of the room. Water ran down the walls and soaked into the carpet. Takemiya remained standing, but felt considerably weakened.

Kobayashi somehow became stuck to the ceiling. Ragnar rose up through the mattress and emerged between the twins, held fast by the tentacles and snuggled up to the weirdest pair of silk boxers the world has ever seen.

It was then that Takemiya changed tactics, and engaged the Prince in conversation. This is how we learned that the Prince has been dreaming the events on Lungfish Isle. His brother, Chang, has been playing the more negative, nightmarish foil to Englebert's plans. Takemiya then attempts to enter the dream and manages to produce an escape at the back of the room in the shape of a red telephone booth. Englebert informs Takemiya that the phone booth will take them to the heart of the Muralian Empire - and into the palace of the Dowager Empress herself. Englebert entreats the group to kill the Empress - Chang and Englebert's mother, in fact - in order to weaken Chang's connection to the Negative Energy Plane and allow him to be killed, preferably by Englebert himself. Englebert realizes that this will most likely end in his own demise, but he tells the party that not only has he tired of a life tethered to his evil twin, but he would gain enormous peace from putting his brother's wicked deeds to an end.

Englebert then presents the party with a gift - a handful of red pills and a handful of blue pills. The red ones will teleport the one who swallows it directly back to Englebert's palace.

The blue ones are deadly poison.

When the Empress is dead, says Englebert, each one of you should take whichever pill you each deem appropriate.

Englebert then directs everyone's attention to the bell jar on the nightstand, where a small, self-contained ecosystem holds a miniature Zen garden, a moss-covered temple, two tiny gnomes and a rather enthusiastic monk who is no longer stuck to the ceiling...

Episode 73: My Name is Xeno Montoya...

Xene sped up the hillside path as only a gnome can: a whir of knees and toes beneath a pointed hat. But pursuing a grown human male on foot as a gnome proved slightly more mathematically daunting than Xeno had anticipated, and by the time he got close to the fleeing Count he had already met up with a team of confederates, obviously lying in wait to whisk him away after the overly tame Muralian shaming ritual. 

A minimum of visual confirmation was required for Xeno to start screaming epithets and readying the dreaded Forked Finger, and as Fundus fled the scene with the majority of his retinue, a few of his finest footmen were dispatched to rid the planet of the pesky gnome that by now was haunting Fundus' dreams.

In a bizarre, extradimensional cross between The Charge of the Light Brigade, Teddy Roosevelt's charge up San Juan Hill and a Burning Man festival, the six soldiers on horseback charged up the hill in order to trample the nuisensical gnome. But a die roll, some chaos and a fine, three-year-old steed named Beucephalus came together in one beautifully horrid moment; a moment forever enshrined in the anals (sic) of gaming history by the creation of the phrase "horse napalm".

It was not pretty.

And while five of the noble steeds and their riders perished in one awful, stinking moment, one poor beast survived - burns over 93% of it's body - to be forcefully mounted by Xeno and plunged madly, feverishly back down the hill.

Fundus, seeing yet another slow, mad car crash of chaos unfurl before his eyes turns on his heels (or, more aptly, his horse's heels) and attempts to flee. Having a superior  fully-functioning steed looked to be a great advantage, but this is where Xeno's hot-and-heavy relationship with Chaos levels the field.

Xeno attempts to slow Fundus, but instead causes a candleheaded replica of himself to fly forth from his forked finger and sieze Fundus, throw him to the ground and choke the living crap out of him. The remaining men-at-arms, seeing their leader basically throttled to death by a spastic manchild, turn and flee towards a black-sailed boat that sits waiting at the end of the long pier that juts out into a cold mountain lake. Some orcs can be seen on board the ship. None appear anxious to debark and confront Xeno...

Episode 72: The Shaming of Count Fundus

There are times when one's course of action runs like a clear line of dogsled tracks through the unbroken snow, and by starting at the logical point of origin and following the brave, blazoned trail one reaches the final conclusion with an air of inevitability, bounding across the finish line to the cheers and accolades of one and all.

And sometimes your dogs pull you off of a glacier and down, down, down to an icy death.

Plank Town on fire...

Thus it is when DCM, a newly enfortressed town at their disposal, one infernally imbued with the chaotic essenses of the Abyss, decides to play 'interior designer' with barrels of smoke powder, a five-headed dragon and moat filled with beer.

Whether the motivation was demonic paranoia fueled by alcohol and megalomania or just the result of extended gaming outside the Pit of Despair, the attendant members of DCM decided that the best way to drown out the sounds of Tiamat's cries was to blow a hole in Plank Town's walls and drain the beer moat into the cellars.

And, in true DCM fashion, it kinda worked.

So much so that the draconic screams were reduced to liquid mumbles and everyone was able to sleep. But in the morning, not only was everyone surprised to find that Plank Town was back to normal again, (read: merely uninhabited by Fundus and his menchildren) but a pageboy by the name of Douchecoosh had turned up at the gates, summoning DCM to Prince Englebert's for the public shaming of Count Fundus.

A familiar statue...

But when the shaming ceremony turned out to be a little too tame for Xeno and Xoe's liking, shit got real. Xeno charged off after Fundus, years of the distilled sap of vengeance boiled down to a hot syrup of hatred.

Xoe, Takemiya and Ragnar headed into the Prince's mansion, only to make a dark and chilling discovery...

Also, I've quite forgotten what 'Billy and the beer nuts' refers to, but I have a good idea...

Episode 71: Back in the Abyss Again...

It was a simple plan, really.

Have the dwarf run with a slowly leaking keg of smoke powder towards the orc landing party. Light the trail. clear the dock.

The weird part was that it actually worked.

Now "worked" might be stretching it a bit from Ragnar's point of view, but as he sailed into the harbor, tail on fire, the sounds of screaming orcs lightened his heart a bit. And after a cooling plunge in the bay, Ragnar inelegantly made his way to the surface, surrounded by sizzling hunks of orc meat as they plopped into the black waters around him. Ragnar chuckled, and set his sights on the dark hulk of the black-sailed ship, sitting unmolested in the harbor. He unsheathed his great onyx axe. He harbored thoughts of molestation.

__________________________________________________

Xeno watched the sizzling scorpion of sparks eat its way towards the bay with a quiet sense of calm and rightness. Chaos was afoot, and he held the shoehorn. He turned to the guardhouse Takemiya had brought to his attention a great(ish) horde of orcs mustering below Plank Town. 

"Xoe?"

"Yes, Xeno?"

"Murderous orcs in small confined spaces..."

"...a keg of flaming smoke powder in their faces?"

The gnomes grinned evilly. Takemiya tucked himself in a corner to keep lookout. Kobayashi fled the town and headed for the hills. 

As Xoe chucked a lit powder keg over the railing of the staircase, Takemiya looked to see where it was headed and saw a trail of orcs heading up the stairs, each holding a keg of smoke powder up over their head.

Takemiya had just enough time to hurl himself through the door of the guardhouse before EVERYTHING blew up in a cross-connected network of fiery death and oblivion. A huge geyser of flame erupted up and through 'Klobar's Craft Beeres and Flagons'. Flaming pellets of superheated doom smote 'Miss Leila's Shoppe of Naughty Artifacts'. And an Old Faithful of molten magma caused 'Lobelia's Massage Parlour and Armory' to never service another tasset - but no one was left to greave.

But as Xeno watched his newly-aquired realm go up in flames, his thoughts turned to his other short-lived realm - that extraplanar one with the demons and...

They say some thoughts should not be uttered. Especially when you've had your Chaos maximized and tend to roll on the extreme ends of, say, a d30.

But as Xeno watched the night sky above Plank Town light up like 12th of Octember, his thoughts turned to what might of been... if only he'd had time... like more than a day... he would make this realm right, make THIS domain work. If he just had the chance, one more chance.... to change...

135035 _()* 

 ASD   9(9 0  {external error}           -  -                K

                              ~~~~~~~~~~chaostream~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now Pompey’s dead, Homer’s read, Heliogabalus lost his head,

And shade is on the brightest wing, And dust forbids the bird to sing.

Something happened.

It was as if all of Plank Town became an elevator. On the first floor, fire extinguishers, barbecue aprons, oven mitts and lighter fluid. But down, down, down below.... 632 floors below to be exact, the Demon Queen of Dragons extended a jeweled claw and tapped the glowing 'up' button.

"Play with Chaos, will they? Fuck with me, will they? Power, they do not understand. Fear, they do not understand. I will fix that, you bet your breastplate..."

Ding.