Quote. Of. The. Century.

Iryien: "If I roll a 20 now, I should just quit this whole campaign."

Episode 65: DCM, Inc. Sweet DCM, Inc.

The worn, incredibly-traveled party made it's way into the post-dawn streets of Port Harbor once again. Three long years/months/weeks/days had passed since our intrepid party had last killed anyone on Lungfish Isle, and the queue of vengeful spirits and yet-to-be-blasted-into-oblivion NPCs was long and thirsty.

Who would be the first?

Upon returning home, the party was first and foremostly greeted with a scene of what appeared to be drunken disorderliness. Ms. Moneypenny (DCM's consummately professional and tidy housemaid) was discovered face down on the floor, snoring deeply and in a state of some considerable undress. Draped over her back, a long, muscular arm issued forth from the body that lay inert on the company's couch. The body was that of Athos, long-lost (or not-so-soon-to-be-lost) hireling of DCM, Inc.

Underneath the company desk (and in a similar state of post-imbiblical slumber) was Porthos.

And moments later, Aramis was discovered in the nude - in Saladin's room - stretched out on a bearskin rug.

Only the rug woke up, let out a petulant snarl, and exited the room via the second-story window.

Ms. Moneypenny soon had coffee and breakfast on for all, and while the group ruminated on their first course of action, a crossbow bolt smashed through a window and helped finalize the committee's plan, re: their first course of action.

You see, Saladin had previously transformed into his golden-skinned draconic form, and was nigh unto invincible. The bolt (which was obviously very magical) bounced off his chest as if it had been designed by the Nurf company, and only stirred Saladin's lust for interrogation. Quick as a flash, he bounded out the window and was after the culprit, while Ragnar followed. #bearpoop #poisonivy

Almost as soon as it started, it was over; Saladin had apprehended the culprit, smashed him violently about the mouth and extracted an implication of Count Fundus. Takemiya performed a rather unfortunate coup de grace which involved (shocking as it may be to you, dear reader) public urination.

It was at this time that a young half-elven Ranger showed up, looking for work. She looks a good prospect - a ranger will really help round out the party.

Clavdivs appeared forthwith, asking the f-f-folks of Duh-duh-duh-duh-DCM Enterprises if they wouldn't mind an extra raid this month. Supplies are low, he said, and the extra cash would be quite welcome back in Aquae Sulis. Preliminary plans were discussed.

And with that, the evening faded into a blissful (if not foggy) blend of fond remembrances and plotting. The Knurt was recovered. Geetsie fell in love with Der Mobile.

And everyone is looking forward to completely and utterly wreaking havoc on Lungfish Isle.

Again.

Only different.

"Xeno, Thy Thighs Like Thunder" An ode to Xeno, by Xeno

Thy thighs, they are like thunder,
Astride a yearning world.
That looks up, and breathless wonders,
At the penis I've unfurled.

Though small, but like a Titan,
In love as in his shop,
Swift roaming gnomish fingers,
You can't bear to have them stop.

Wonders the town crier,
When his noontime page is read:
What mighty soul has fucked her,
Whom demons feared to bed?

Then faint he hears the maiden,
(though maiden she's no more):
'Tis Xeno who just did me!
Oh, would he'd never stopped!
That little gnome's a wonder,
When his trousers he has dropped.”

Episode 64: The Voyage Home

As the cold, wet schtupping sound of Xeno being sucked into the door subsided, it was replaced by a distant, slightly more disturbing one: that of war.

Horns were blasted, orders were barked and the din of massive conflict filtered to the party's ears. The question was asked: "Should we try and save Xeno?" The answer: "He's... probably safer where he is."

Everyone agreed, then proceeded to the top of the citadel where they could look upon...

...a massive dry valley, two miles long and half a mile wide. Sharp, craggy walls lined it in either side while away to the south, a natural opening in the rock emulated a gigantic gateway - a gateway that was currently being overrun with thousands upon thousands of sluggish, maggotlike beings. The glistening army was being driven through the gap by a number of wingéd devils brandishing fiery whips and murderous swords.

A smaller, pessimistic group of slugs could be seen issuing forth from the citadel below. But even at a distance it could be seen that their slime had less glisten, their slithering was less vigorous. They could sense their own inevitable doom.

It was then that a great golden maw opened up in the floor of the citadel, regurgitating Xeno onto the citadel roof. Covered in an opalescent slime, he appeared to have been transformed back to his old gnomish self. He smiled, humming softly to himself. He seemed happy.

It was right about that time when a great horn blast reverberated off the canyon walls. The invaders stopped their undulating invasion long enough for one of the flying devils to cup his hands to his mouth and yell (in an appropriately evil and foreboding voice) "Xeno-o-o-o... Is that you-u-u-u???"

Being recognised a mile distant by the diabolical field marshal of an invading hellish army didn't phase Xeno nearly as much as it should have done.

He waved and said "Hi!"

The field marshal turned, bellowed "ATTAAAAAACK!!!!!" and twelve 3-headed fire-breathing dragons emerged from the gateway, breathing fire and making a dragonline for the citadel.

After some calm, lucid debate in which a number of salient points were raised, viable options were debated, and a course of action was decided by majority vote, the party decided to flee in a panic down into the citadel. There, they met up with the imp that had been minding his ruined drum kit in the Shielding Room. Quietly weeping over his ruined Zildjians, the party learned his name was BILLY, and that all he really wanted was a gig in a faraway land. He was recruited on the spot, and his first act was to burrow directly through the stone floor of the citadel and head out to meet the dragons.

The party was both impressed and a little bit worried.

Down on the first floor, the party ran into the slowly rotating Blood Monster, Takemiya entered the Blue Mushroom painting, and after meeting a paranoid, damp pixie by the name of Hasty Retreat he managed to retrieve the last of the three keys.

BILLY then returned intermittently with the hearts of three of the dragons, a tasty feast was had, and Xoe became her old self again (excepting that firebreathing bit). BILLY then led the party to the Door of the Three Keys, everyone walked through the strange portal and into a dark hallway where some familiar smells assaulted everyone's noses:

Smoke. Sweat. Desperation. Disinfectant.

MYSTY'S!

The party's jubilation was palpable as, after one long year (or has it only been a month?) they had finally returned to Lungfish Isle.

As BILLY the imp emerged in tux and tails, hitting the stage like he was born to emcee a strip club, the rest of the party shuffled blearily into the street and back into their beloved home town once again.

Some natural tears they dropp'd, but wip'd them soon;
The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide:
They hand in hand with wand'ring steps and slow
Through Port Harbor took their solitary way.

Episode 63: "Xeno... Hold me..."

"I remember being attacked by an evil, two-headed vampiric baby. I attempted to tackle one and ended up with a cracked vertebrae. When I had eventually skewered the thing, I flung it across the room, hitting a painting and revealing a secret panel which hid a sapphire scarab. I fucking love scarabs. As I made towards the mirror to return to my comrades, it exploded in a hot stinging spray of half-molten shards all over me. It was at that point that I started to get quite angry." - Saladin

"Seeing the two-headed baby in Xeno's clutches, well, I panicked a bit. This place was really getting on my nerves, and while I didn't manage to squash the thing properly when I had the chance, I can honestly say the thing perished on my weapon. Booyah!" - Ragnar the Impetuous

"Have you ever torn a groin muscle? It really, really, really hurts. So when I looked up and saw that giant bone demon arising from the great pool of blood and grabbing Xoe in it's great scything clutches, well, excuse me if I overreacted. Plus, that 'throwing the entire necklace of magic missiles' thing seemed to work last time, so..." - Kobayashi Jones

"Finally, SOMEONE is listening to me!" - Xoe

"I wonder if this door is gold all the way throu- aaaarrrRRRRGGGGHHHhh...!!!>!!?!1!" - Xeno

Episode 62: A Fool for the Citidel

As the group put the finishing touches on the demise of the citadel's diabolical headmistress, the robed guy with Xeno's memories detected a faint pinging alarum reverberating throughout the entire citadel. He pulled back from the glistening carnage and looked around. One slight, nondescript door beckoned to him. He opened it. There were stairs leading up.

And he was gone.

Having learned that you either follow Xeno or get left behind in Time, the robed guy with Ragnar's memories followed suit, and headed up the stairs as well. A latent monk and hidden priest tagged along, while Formerly Xoe and Hopefully Saladin Again looted the faceless wench. Saladin found her Hammerspace; and in it, a Jade Scarab.

That's when the fat, blobby guys attacked.

Retreating up the stairs, Saladin fended them off with urine. In the room up ahead, Xeno found the Lair of Eternal Shields. He took one off the wall and nothing horrible happened. Ragnar followed suit, burst into flames and grew a foot taller. He swung his shield with an aura of command that, had anyone been watching, would have been slightly impressive.

Xoe strode in, took a shield off the wall and merely burst into flames, grew a foot taller and kicked Ragnar's ass. Saladin put his head between two shields and heard a sound like a thousand Marshalls feedbacking. #deaf

Eventually, the group learned from one of the blobbily-shaped gentlemen that the citadel was under attack, and most definitely doomed. The only egress from the citadel (that didn't lead straight into the arms of Gylxel Glummdaår's invading forces) was an eldritch door that required three keys to unlock. The rather gloomy blob then shuffled off to meet his doom.

In the next room, the jade scarab that Kobayashi found came to life and lighted excitedly on a strange mirror...

Xeno, having discovered a number of alcoves each containing a strangely-bound humanoid, decided that the mirror was far more interesting. He hurled a stone at it and discovered that it was actually a gateway to an interdimensional mirrorworld.

Kobayashi, in an attempt to rescue one of the trapped humanoids, accidentally exploded the glass containment case, causing the poor being's jugular milking tubes to be ripped out; the end result being the 'rescuee' crashed to the floor and rapidly bled to death all over DCM's hapless healer. # bloodyhorror #pleasedon'thealmeI'mfinethanks

That's when Xeno leapt through the magic mirror, landing in the mirrorworld, and causing his evil twin (if you can believe that) to fall into the room with the rest of the party. A melee ensued. The evil twin was eventually subdued, but not before Ragnar took a porcupine to the face.

Xeno returned from the Other Side. With a strange, bronzen key...

Episode 61: The Matrix Reloaded

Meanwhile, back at the spaghettification of Koresh and The Enigma...

The two of them whooshed towards a seething quartet of triangles - the middlemost of which was blacker than Koresh's own heart - and he steered the two of them into it and ended up in a hotel kitchenette. There they found white tiles, blue liquids and more spatulae than you could shake a stick at.

And in the main room, on a bed between two doors, the King of All Dwarves Lays Sleeping. And of course, Koresh tried to wake him up. With liquids.

It didn't work.

Instead He exploded into feathers and two parrots appeared, offering a choice between GOD and HEAVEN...

After some tough questioning (and delicious pizza) The Enigma decided that meeting God is probably not the best career choice at the moment, and (thankfully for the entire campaign) chooses HEAVEN instead.

They find themselves reunited with the party, only everyone looks the same, seems to be carrying no more than a sword and a fancy necklace, and are confined to a rocky tunnel while being harassed by flying demons who appear to be carrying demonic lacrosse sticks.

There was much rejoicing.

This time Bonkers made the play of the day, throwing his entire necklace at the fiends, obliterating them and recovering two sticks - much to everyone's amazement. Further exploration showed that the door that led back to Lungfish Isle was no longer there - much to everyone's disappointment.

The only way out seemed to be back across the river. The River Styx.

Luckily, the old members of DCM Enterprises, with years of experience under their belts, were able to readily dispatch the orcs, commandeer the barge, and make their way up into the rocky citadel where they hurriedly dispatched the demoness who had at one time been Xeno's one true love.

Panting and heaving, the members of DCM now find themselves back at the beginning of things, with a world of experience behind them and unlimited raiding and looting potential in front.

Is that not heaven?