Dungeon Master's Support Group

There is a tavern in the multiverse unlike no other: gamers aren't allowed, the wenches be perfectly buxom and the drinks aren't watered down.

It be the Dungeon Master's Bar & Grille.

DMs from everywhere gather here to swap stories of brilliant campaigns and particulary well-drawn frontier maps.

There is a saying at the DMB&G: "Why do my best players have the worst ideas?"

Another one goes: "Why do my worst players have the most brilliant ones?"

It is at this point that DMs usually just shake their heads and go back to playing whist.

The Gem of Recording...

That night, the last night of the Week of Peace, Ben Firenze comes calling to DCM HQ...

"I've finally unlocked the Gem," he says with a flourish. "It took some doing, I don't mind saying... Whoever created this item didn't want it to be tampered with. But a series of divinations, hyperspatial delvings and a minimacromicroscope were needed to glean the pass word to unlock the Gem and listen to its contents."

"What's a minimacromicroscope?" asked Saladin.

"Its a device I created to look at something very bigly, as if I were quite small," He glanced at Xeno, barely supressing a grin. "By projectinig the gem's surface into fourth-dimensional inverse-space and simultaneously retrojecting myself into obverse-space, I found..."

"You found what, exactly?" Xeno interrupted with gnomish contempt.

"I found the pass word engraved on the bottom of the stone!" Ben couldn't quite hide his glee.

"Give me that," Xeno swiped the gem fromk Ben and held it up to the light. "Hey! There IS a word here. And it's gnomish!"

"That's the second weirdest thing I discovered..."

"Efilnikufesin!" cried Xeno, and the Gem started to speak...

"Gallumbits"

The sound of footsteps... a door opens.

"Ah, Ragnar. Do come in. Have we heard from Voletare?"

"Not yet, my Count. But I have arranged payment for the statues at the designated place. They will comply. They are writers, after all. They need the coin."

"Excellent. my Master will be pleased. He believes these statues could be very promising, very promising indeed."

"Could you refresh my memory as to whom your master is?"

"What a queer question, Ragnar. Are you feeling quite alright?"

"No, actually, I do not. This mission to the Outer Planes has me worried. I've never enjoyed travelling there. The people give me the creeps."

"Worry not, Ragnar. Lemuria is so caught up in herself she'll never notice one painting missing. The plan is airtight. Have you got the cube?"

"Yes, my Count."

"Good. Now get back to DCM before they notice you're gone. I don't want anything upsetting our plan. Rest assured, Master Eel will reward you most handsomely for your work."

"Are you sure he won't have me double-crossed? He's done it before..."

"Relax. Its not like I'm going to just have you shot once you hand over the painting. That would be just too trite... haha."

More footsteps, and a door opening and closing.

"Eccentrica."

A few moments of silence follow, and then...

"....hehehe. Just don't ask TOO obvious a question. We need him to mention Chang, not to get suspicious."

"Just play it cool, Ragnar. Like you always do."

"You can count on me, Xoe... Oh, by Grunther's Beard, this thing's still on. Eccentrica!"

Episode 19: Deal or No Deal

Having dispatched the last of the jellyfish spawn, Der Mobile and The Hammer returned to DCM HQ. Plans were made, money was spent and everyone got back to their gentle routines back at home.

Then Takemiya pulled out The Deck.

The power of the Deck must have gotten to him, really. Why else would someone pull out what is surely The Most Dangerous Artifact in the known spheres? A surge of that magical power must've been directly responsible for him stating "I will draw four cards."

Everyone else slid back from the table as if he'd just let an ace mistakenly fall from his sleeve in a poker game with Bludgeon MacSplosion.

Takemiya placed the Deck on the table in front of him and turned over the First Card.

Euryale, the Dread Medusa.

Takemiya felt his body change on a molecular level. Weaken. Warp. Arteries hardened. Muscles stiffened. An image of a woman, snakes for hair, screamed through his mind. He wasn't sure what happened, but he was QUITE sure he didn't want to run into one of her kind in real life. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle it.

Takemiya turned over the Second Card.

Death.

Outside, Death Himself appeared. He pulled out an hourglass and glanced at it casually. His dark eye sockets smoldered with supernatural fire as they gazed at the sign on the door which told him that he'd come to the right place. He put the hourglass back inside his robe and reached for the door...

He wasn't sure what made him pause. Did he have the right place? He tried to look through the door, see through Time, but for some reason....

Nothing.

This place was a blank spot, a nothing in his field of vision.

"INTERESTING," he thought to himself. "I'LL JUST HAVE A BIT OF A WAIT." He turned and sat on a largish stone some way up the path that led from the house. Little did he know that he was not the first Immortal to have parked his Undying Keister on that particular piece of rock.

Meanwhile, Takemiya turned over the Third card, the idiot.

Um, I mean, The Idiot. The card.

Takemiya suddenly felt the strange urge to do all sorts of things. Dumb things. Silly things. He couldn't say why, but he just felt like doing the next thing that popped into his mind...

Like drawing another card.

The Donjon.

At that moment, Xoe saw the lights go out in Takemiya's eyes. Saladin noticed that a rosy glow had started to emanate from Takemiya's midsection, and it rose slowly up his torso, up his neck and towards his mouth. Takemiya's mouth opened and out of it floated a small amber sphere. It bobbed slowly up and down as it floated across the room, and everyone - everyone save Takemiya, that is - everyone followed it with their eyes as the sphere floated across the room, towards an open window and...

pLuB!

The sphere seemed to hit a soft, invisible barrier and pLuBbEd quietly back into the room where it bRoBbEd silently for a moment before fLuRkInG its way back towards Takemiya. A few whispered comments and gentle pokings ensued, whereupon DCM surmised that it was in fact Takemiya's soul that was silently gLeRnKiNg just over his right shoulder.

Takemiya ceased to draw any more cards.

While everyone debated what they were going to do next, Xeno scooped up the Deck. "Well, looks like he won't be needing this anymore," and he stowed it away. He then turned towards the Helm of Telepathy, where it was sitting on the old stuffed penguijn that had, for some reason, come to be in the office. He had what would later, in the history books (at least the ones that weren't used to line penguijn cages), be called a Moment of Inspiration.

He took the rather large and unwieldy helm and with an embarassed whisper asked Saladin for a boost. The bewildered giant dwarf picked the gnome up under the arms and hoisted him up towards the amber globe.

Xeno carefully placed the Helm over the globe and slowly, slooowly loosened his grip on it.

The Helm stayed there, floating.

(rattle, rattle...)

Then, just as slowly, just as carefully, the helm turned - slowly and silently - in midair, until it was facing the dangling gnome. It then did something that it had never done before in all of the the seven hundred and fifty three years of its existance:

It blinked.

Episode 18: The Badger Cannot Be Buggered At All

Saladin screams.

Kobayashi shifts his hands inside the massive chest cavity, trying to stem the flow of blood. Left coronary artery, left anterior descending artery, vena cava... all were being stoppered by one of Kobayashi's nine remaining digits. Bless the gods, he thought to himself, that the Harmonious Bags of Wind hadn't been perforated. He hadn't the fingers to spare, and he thought he could at least keep him from bleeding to death until the Hammer of Grapthar's Medicus could relieve him.

Suddenly, Saladin coughed, and a great spray of blood showered Kobayashi with bad news. The Bags had indeed been breached, only a million times over with wounds too small to see...

Saladin opened his eyes, and Kobayashi saw madness there. His features shifted, and his internal organs started to shift and move rapidly, shrinking away from Kobayashi's hands as the chest cavity closed up like an angry red clam. The monk was just able to pull his hands away in time to avoid having them sealed inside what now appeared to be a sullen, golden-haired badger. The badger regarded him for a moment with a look akin to disdain before its features shifted again and grew to the size and likeness of Saladin once more. The sucking chest wound was gone, but the look of madness remained.

"Medicine..." he gasped, and stumbled off to the hatchway thet led below decks.

Nastiness ensued.

Saladin, who was being mentally dominated by the mind flayers, knocked Takemiya off the helm in order to break off pursuit.

Above decks, a giant white worm was dispatched to further harass the pursuers. Xeno and Xoe did wonders for its health, however, and it soon ceased to be an issue.

Kobayashi dispatched (with a perfectly-timed 20) the Invisible Stalker that was threatening Takemiya with a messy death.

Saladin then proceeded to throw Kobayashi overboard.

This vexed Xeno, as reentering the atmosphere with a glowing monk in tow did not facilitate the greatest of chases.

The mind flayers got away....

Episode 17: Sucking Chest Wound

No sooner had the chunks of dragon blubber hit the beach than Xeno and Xoe had a plan. Crates were packed with ice and the bits of white dragon were preserved for a trip to Maeda. Der Chelonian was tricked out, with the dual sawblade-slinger taking the place of the forward ballista. The ballista was in turn moved astern alongside the Frost Giant King's Crossbow of Accuracy, which had been modified with a C-clamp mount, allowing it to be moved and mounted anywhere along the railing of the ship.

Meanwhile, Maximinus threw a fete for the crew while Clavdivs took Iryien's measurements for a statue to grace the center of Aquae Sulis. "Gilded platinum", requested Iryien...

Healing, modification and pickling complete, the two ships took off for Maeda to find a tanner. What they also found was an ally who came knocking on the cabin door - a man named Macro, who warned the crew that a man by the name of Abdullah Faloon was on the moon, and if he found Xeno, things would get really bad, really fast. He then proceeded to 'refresh his memory', informing him that he (Xeno) had swindled Falloon out of Der Mobile in a crooked game of Cripple Mister Onion, and that there was a substantial bounty on his head, whether attached to the rest of his body or not.

In a moment of sublime prudence, the crew of Der Mobile chose to slip off of Maeda as quickly as possible and intercept the shipful of Mind Flayers that was in orbit around Atari. This was the same ship that had, a few nights before, threatened the crew from above and demanded the pearwood tree.

The nautoloid was found and battle was joined.

Too bad Saladin didn't look closely at the Crossbow of Accuracy. If he had, he would've seen the button, a very small button and made of Wvuntoorian Antler, that had engraved on it in very small characters "Presse ye thiss buttone fyrst."

The explosion could be heard even below decks. Takemiya winced at the helm. Kobayashi arrived to find Saladin doing his best impression of Carslbad Caverns, his massive ribcage open for all to see. It wasn't so much a case of 'stopping the bleeding' as 'finding his other lung'.

If they could just keep him alive long enough to get to the Hammer, their Medicus could do something for him, without a doubt.

OK, maybe with just a few doubts...

Where we're at...

Little calender not working, so here's the updated timeline...

See you tonight!

Episodes 16 & 17: The Battle Begins.. and Ends

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. But even worser still were the die rolls, improbable plans and accidental disintegrations that threatened to thwart Der Mobiles defence of Aquae Sulis. For even as the Tootlers marched into the center of the city, Iryien's charges were unleashed on the plumbing of the poor defenseless spa town; before long, Yon Steaming Puddle was formed - a steaming pool of dubious wetness that threatened the balance of the battle.

Next, Der Mobile was launched into the fray - and while crossbow bolts missed everything in sight, dropping kettles of hardened pitch turned out to be the ship's most effective means of harassing the enemy.

And on top of all that, every third member of Der Mobile seemed to get himself captured or spirited away to the lair of the Frost Giants. Things were looking grim.

Now, Iryien did now possess the single most destructive piece of alien hardware ever seen in the city, and had the Gods decided to leave her dice alone, she could've ended the battle rather quickly, and single-handedly to boot. But it was not to be, and many Sulians died.

But then something happened to turn the tide on the invaders...

Takemiya decided to teleport the ship.

Suddenly, the invaders were defenders and lost members joined in the fray. Xeno began a campaign of fearsome hamstringing. Saladin began being really nasty to women. And Takemiya turned Der Mobile into a Cuisinart.

By the time Der Mobile had secured the ice cave, help had arrived in the form of a heavily armored Hammership. As Gorth would later relate to the crew of Der Mobile as they combed the beaches for chunks of white dragon blubber, they had arrived at Der Mobile HQ with the recently-refitted Hammer of Grapthar when they were met by a man who introduced himself as a friend of Xoe. He seemed to be expecting them, and hastily explained that he had it from a reliable source that Xoe and her crew were in deep trouble, and that they were to hasten to a rift in a glacier some 50 miles north of a city known as Aquae Sulis. The gentleman gave him explicit directions to the city and produced a letter, written by Xeno, stating that the gentleman was a partner and confederate of Der Mobile's and was to be trusted without question.

Gorth then set off to the rescue, promising bodily harm to the gentleman if his warnings proved false. But in the end, it all worked out - blood was spilled, booty had and everyone was rescued.

Except some of Iryien's Sulians, of course.