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See you tonight!

Episodes 16 & 17: The Battle Begins.. and Ends

It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. But even worser still were the die rolls, improbable plans and accidental disintegrations that threatened to thwart Der Mobiles defence of Aquae Sulis. For even as the Tootlers marched into the center of the city, Iryien's charges were unleashed on the plumbing of the poor defenseless spa town; before long, Yon Steaming Puddle was formed - a steaming pool of dubious wetness that threatened the balance of the battle.

Next, Der Mobile was launched into the fray - and while crossbow bolts missed everything in sight, dropping kettles of hardened pitch turned out to be the ship's most effective means of harassing the enemy.

And on top of all that, every third member of Der Mobile seemed to get himself captured or spirited away to the lair of the Frost Giants. Things were looking grim.

Now, Iryien did now possess the single most destructive piece of alien hardware ever seen in the city, and had the Gods decided to leave her dice alone, she could've ended the battle rather quickly, and single-handedly to boot. But it was not to be, and many Sulians died.

But then something happened to turn the tide on the invaders...

Takemiya decided to teleport the ship.

Suddenly, the invaders were defenders and lost members joined in the fray. Xeno began a campaign of fearsome hamstringing. Saladin began being really nasty to women. And Takemiya turned Der Mobile into a Cuisinart.

By the time Der Mobile had secured the ice cave, help had arrived in the form of a heavily armored Hammership. As Gorth would later relate to the crew of Der Mobile as they combed the beaches for chunks of white dragon blubber, they had arrived at Der Mobile HQ with the recently-refitted Hammer of Grapthar when they were met by a man who introduced himself as a friend of Xoe. He seemed to be expecting them, and hastily explained that he had it from a reliable source that Xoe and her crew were in deep trouble, and that they were to hasten to a rift in a glacier some 50 miles north of a city known as Aquae Sulis. The gentleman gave him explicit directions to the city and produced a letter, written by Xeno, stating that the gentleman was a partner and confederate of Der Mobile's and was to be trusted without question.

Gorth then set off to the rescue, promising bodily harm to the gentleman if his warnings proved false. But in the end, it all worked out - blood was spilled, booty had and everyone was rescued.

Except some of Iryien's Sulians, of course.

The Battle for Aquae Sulis

Once the panic-stricken party came to a halt in the main street behind the villa, Iryien noticed some movement on the ice floe outside the walls of the town. The snow was beginning to swirl as a chill wind picked up, and the half-frozen tears in her eyes didn't help, but she was pretty sure she could see a number of diminutive, whitish figures marching row by row into the city.

"Tootlers," she whispered.

Xoe, less panicked than the rest of the crew, picked up on the word and followed Iryien's gaze down the street and over the walls.

Row by row, they marched.

"Porthos, Aramis... would you boys be kind enough to hurry back to the ship and bring Xoe that new-fangled, potentially destructive thingy we found in the warehouse? I have a feeling we'll need some firepower for this one."

The guidos took to heel, and everyone else took up positions, arms and strongly-worded prayer.

On the Tootlers came, a couple dozen at least, and by the time the  guidos had returned with the device, they were marching down the icy slope and into the confines of the city.

Xoe opened the crate that had just arrived and assessed the device. Buttons, levers, flat window-looking things... A completely foreign device. Could they figure out how to use it in time?

"This is going to suck for somebody," she sighed, and hauled it out of the crate. 

Episode 15: Eine Kleine Lootmusik

With Xeno licking his emotional wounds, Xoe took half the crew back to L’Villa D’Didough to finish the looting mission from yesterday that began (and ended) with a cadre of floating infants of dubious origin. It was Xoe's belief that these infants had been created by the now-deceased Bijaz and his Wand of Illusion. After all, Xoe was a gnome and gnomes know all about illusions, right?

Death dropped the tattered cigarette butt he'd been working to the ground and stubbed it out with one bony toe. "BUGGER," he sighed as he summoned his Mark IV Reaper Especiale. It looked like another long day was ahead of him.

Xoe, Saladin, Iryien and Kobayashi led two of the guidos and an assortment of Sulian conscripts back into the city. Their last foray into the villa had barely gotten past the foyer, and Xoe silently vowed to get stuck into some serious looting. As they gathered once again outside the villa the sun came out. A cool breeze freshened the air. It was going to be a good day...

The foyer was pretty much as they'd left it - only a few potted plants tipped in a panicked retreat gave any clue that someone had been inside the villa in the past year or so. Xoe immediately scanned the archway at the back of the foyer, looking for any sign of levitating babies. Nothing. The coast was clear, just as she'd predicted. With a smile of increasing smugness she detected a door cleverly hidden in the tile patterns on the side wall by the archway. She pointed it out to Iryien, who used her elvish charm to get one of her Sulian minions to make like a gentleman and open the door for her. Let the looting begin, thought Xoe...

Meanwhile, Saladin led a team upstairs to the bedroom that had been breached the day before. Wary of the possibilities for vile and horrid death that usually awaits a raiding party such as this, Kobayasi rummaged around for something with which to cast a Detect Harmony. The only thing left behind were 4 pairs of men's linen undergarments (at least they looked recently laundered). Kobayashi wove the spell and began folding the garments into origami animals. A lion, a camel, an eagle and a turtle sat on the floor and awaited the end of the casting.

Just as the spell was being finished upstairs, Iryien's minion Anaximander bristled forward to open the door for his new mistress. Perhaps this is it, he thought to himself, she has singled me out me for special favor! This beautiful woman could be my ticket out of this frozen hell and away from these drug addled madmen! Perhaps if I acquit myself with honor for this warrior angel she will notice me further and we can travel the world together... Oh, dare I dream that she would ever love me?

"NOT IF YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, YOU BLOODY IDIOT."

The Sulian thought he heard a voice as he turned the knob on the door, but everything fell away once he heard a quiet, metallic 'snik' and felt a sharp, icy sensation in his wrist. The cold quickly spread up his arm and into his brain where, after a second's cold shudder he felt suddenly warm and relaxed. So relaxed, in fact, that it didn't bother him one bit to see his own body lying on the floor. Nor did it trouble him to see a ghostly infant emerge from the mouth of what he could only assume was his corpse and begin to snuzzle the neck of his friend and comrade Athenodorus.

In fact, now that he'd gotten a fresh perspective on things, this whole venture seemed just a bit silly.

"DEATH WILL DO THAT TO YOU, I'M AFRAID."

He saw the hulking figure of Death sitting in the archway, idly smoking a cigarette. Anaximander sidled up to him and turned to watch his former comrades. Xoe was hiding behind Aramis. Porthos was punching Athenodorus in the stomach. Iryien, he was pretty sure, was crying.

"ARE YOU READY TO GO?"

Anaximander turned to Death, and then back to the people he had once called 'associates'.

"Certainly, I am ready. This lot is completely mad. The sooner we get out of this place, the better."

Episode 14: Return to Aquae Sulis

Frozen, bloodied and in the dark, Saladin's Away Team decides to return to the city, but not before some Drama ensued. Their escape was cut off by a frost giant carrying the one-armed corpse of the yeti the party had previously slain. The dice this night favored the visitors as some clever tactics (after some real shady ones) sent the giant hurtling into the crevasse and to his doom.

Meanwhile, the X-team were interrupted in their looting by pair of would-be assassins - rooftop drow sporting some nasty weapons. But tactics, teamwork and a well-placed fireball or two allowed our intrepid adventurers to come away with one kill and one 'escape to raise larger numbers of deadly reinforcements'.

Holth discovered that the drow was indeed NOT a drow, but some clear-fleshed ice elf in disguise. The Sulian Augustus Gryfyndyr recovered a chain of teleportation that may allow for some clandestine raids in the near future.

The party then chose to retire for the evening offshore, where nightmares, hallucinations and/or illusions kept certain naked crossbow-wielding paranoiacs from getting adequate rest (whilst shooting their shitting compatriots).

As the dawn slowly creeps up on our party, who knows what lies in store?

Raiding the Warehouse

After a thorough search of the warehouse, your party discovers the following contraband in storage:

One large deck-mounted dual blade launcher

One crate circular blades, serrated (5' diameter, 20ct.)

One crate circular blades, very sharp (5' diameter, 20ct.)

100+ fat-soaked torches

One crate soldiers (deceased)

40 iron kettles filled with hard black substance

One lever-operated barrel (iron)

One crate asst. rusty caltrops (2" - 6" dia., approx. 300)

One crate longbow arrows (approx. 200)

One crate shortbow arrows (approx. 200)

27 Y-tipped poles (10' length)

One crate awl-pikes (15' length, 20 ct.)

One crate halberds (9' length, 12 ct.)

One crate containing 12 painted wooden spheres, (2' dia.)
3 green, 3 yellow, 3 white, 3 black

One crate strange metal folding contraption with buttons
(see diagram)

One crate crossbows (10)

One crate crossbow bolts (approx. 100)

One crate longswords (24 ct.)

Episode 13: I Bet You Someone Dies

The giant was gone.

It occurred to Xoe that there was no one on Der Mobile, and that if the giant got to the ship before they did, he could cause a whole lot of mischief. And in this case, mischief would be bad.

Xoe took the Guidos and headed back to Der Mobile while Xeno and Holth headed back to the baths. Bijaz’s mission was to destroy the warmwire after all, and there was a chance he’s head there to cause some trouble. If not, some reinforcements might be needed, and Xeno was pretty sure he could talk Maximinus into loaning some muscle.

Xoe and the Guidos hurried down to the pier. All was quiet, but just to be sure they checked the ship top to bottom, from stem to stern. Nothing was disturbed and everything was intact. Xoe breathed a sigh of relief – relief that was doomed to die once Athos decided to take an interest in local weather patterns.

“Thisa town sure has summa strange fog,” he quipped from the prow of the ship. He was absent-mindedly sharpening the bolt as it nestled, ready to be fired, in the ballista.

“Whaddayou mean?” said Porthos, who had determined that the ship was safe. Safe enough to start drinking from his hip flask, anyway.

“Wella, there seems to be a fog what is coming this way. And a very small one at that.”

Xoe’s ears pricked up this. This did not sound normal. And when a giant invisible wounded assassin was on the loose, she hated things that did not sound normal. She hurried topside.

“For Gilgamesh’s sake, Porthos, put that away. And Athos, what are you talking abou- Oh, shit.”

For as Xoe watched, a small patch of fog slithered out from the city gate and made its way to the end of the pier. There it paused, only to grow, stretch and transform into the shape of a bent, frail-looking old man. With glowing eyes. And sharp fangs. Oh, and naked.

The old man shimmered for an instant, and then appeared 30 feet down the pier at the base of Der Mobile’s gangplank. Xoe drew her crossbow and swore under her breath. Athos drew his sword and swore loudly. Aramis drew his demonic lacrosse stick, took Porthos’ flask, took a drink. Porthos swore at Aramis.

The old man then raised a hand, palm downward and waved it over the gangplank. It buckled and fell into the water. The old man shimmered once more, and in a flash he was at the front of the boat. Xoe turned to face him and raised her crossbow.

“This will most probably not work,” she thought.


Meanwhile, Xeno tumbled into the main chamber of the baths only to find Maximinus and company well into their evening tea. Some sort of poetry was being recited. It was not very good.

“Thrax! We need help – men – there’s a giant on the loose and there’s no time to lose!” Maximinus gathered up his wits just enough to respond.

Somewhere, the gods rolled a one…

“Hallo my good man! What would you be up to now? Giants, you say? Help, you say? Well, far be it from us to say we won’t rally ‘round the compatriot when the surf is up and the devil’s in the nosebag, eh? We shall dither up the troops and sally forth into the slips. Dogs of war, and that. Wot?” The amount of glaze that covered Maximinus’ eyes was only exceeded by the amount of ice covering his city. And both looked as if they were about to get worse. Xeno leapt into Thrax’s lap and grabbed him by the tunic.

“Help! Now! Men! Swords! Fast! Now!” A spark of recognition broke the surface of Maximinus’ consciousness like a playful squid during mating season.

“Certainly,” he breathed, and swayed to his feet. He whistled and barked. Men moved. Clavdivs darted from man to man helping them on with their gear. Eventually, a throng of six soldiers was loosely assembled and followed Xeno and Holth above ground. Time was of the essence. Every second counted. Xoe could be in trouble right now, with Xeno her only hope.

Somewhere, the gods rolled a one…

Xeno didn’t remember ever seeing “Lehho’s Delicatessen” before. Neither did he remember “Dagobert’s House of Phun” or the statue of a mermaid being ravished by merman. Hmm, he thought, I always wondered how that worked...


Meanwhile, in the wastes of the frozen north, Saladin, Iryien, Kobayashi and Takemiya continued to explore the ice caves. They encountered a cave the floor of which was covered with a thick, dense fog. Iryien gracefully slid to the ground in order to investigate the source of the fog and found that irregular cracks in the cavern floor were venting heat up from deep below the glacier. Iryien gathered up her short bow and made a mental note to take extra care as things were getting rather slippery...

Just then, footsteps were heard out in the gathering snow. A couple of large beings were heading past the mouth of the cave and moving towards the ex-yeti's lair. The party waited until the coast was clear and then made haste down the slope towards the unknown.

The next cave revealed a strange collection of stalactites, a curious ledge, and a heavy wooden chest sunk into the ice at the far side of the cavern. Everyone's natural paranoia was piqued, and steps were immediately taken to barrage the chest from afar with chunks of ice whilst avoiding the stalactites. Proving that you can never be too paranoid, however, the group failed to investigate the curious ledge and were ambushed by a pair of snow leopards.

Takemiya and Kobayashi attempted to restrain the two cats while Saladin and Iryien reasoned with them, but when Iryien tried to divert their hunger to the "freshly-killed meat" two caves up, the two responded with a guttural "You kill Master?" and redoubled their attacks. Takemiya received a nasty gash on his arm and Kobayashi lost the pinky finger on his left hand.

Somewhere, a minor deity picked up a finger as it lay next to a black dodecahedron mottled with tiny red flecks. The topmost face read "XX". She held up the finger and examined it. "Ah, I was in the mood for a snack," she said as popped the finger into her pretty little mouth and chewed...

"Son of a BITCH!" Kobayashi cried, the last of his patience gone. A snap and a sigh were all that were heard as he dispatched the first cat. Takemiya held his cool a bit longer, but eventually did the same for the second leopard.

Not a moment too soon, as one of the beings who had previously trotted past the cave mouth was returning, and in a state of extreme agitation.

“Must get back – warn others – something bad happen!” was heard stomping along outside the cave. A large creature, as large as the cave mouth itself, was shuffling quickly along the path back down into the crevasse. Upon seeing the size of the creature, Takemiya (who was still at his Supa Grow height of 12 feet tall) leapt nimbly out of the cave to ambush the giant from behind.

Somewhere, the gods rolled a one…

Unfortunately for the oversized monk, the frictional quotient (FQ) for magical glacial ice (I*(MaG)) when applied to a leaping oversized monk (L(distance in metres)/(Original mass)-(Enhanced mass)), or FQ = I*MaG/(L/Mo-Me), meant that Takemiya found himself slipping and sliding off of the 250-foot glacier and down into the dark and frozen chasm below.

Back I Aquae Sulis, Xoe was in a staredown with a vampire. She had just watched her crossbow bolt be caught by the creature and eaten. Aramis then fired an orb from his lacrosse stick, and the blue/white ball of energy had passed harmlessly through the old man and into the city. Odd, Xoe thought, I think that SOMETHING should have happened…

Seeing their efforts come to naught, she decided to wait. The best defense, they say, is a good defense. And Xoe had a dozen ways to avoid being killed. But the vampire didn’t move. It stood there, regarding the four of them. Xoe could hear her heartbeat. She could smell Porthos’ breath.

Suddenly, the cavalry arrived. Having seen the orb fly into the city, Holth recognized its source and pulled Xeno from his meanderings. They barged through the door in the wall just in time to see the vampire do a reverse swan dive off the front of the ship and into the water. The party froze, and some hurried debates about the existence of the gangplank ensued.

Snik. Zzzip. Plonk.

Holth felt a pinch in his left shoulder, and turned to see a crossbow bolt sticking out of it. Shoot me in the back, eh? Holth wheeled about with surprising quickness whilst calculating from the angle of the crossbow bolt the height and distance from which it was fired, and at the same time drew his wheel lock pistol. In a second he had spotted the hulking silhouette on top of the city wall, right where he thought it would be. “Take that you backbiting cad!” he cried, and the pistol flared to life.

Somewhere, the gods rolled a twenty…

The heavy leaden slug that passes for Holth’s ammunition hurtled towards Bijaz with startling accuracy. It took him square in the sternum, and the force of the collision toppled the giant off of the wall. He landed full on his face and created a bit of a crater in the ground. Xeno and Holth immediately charged back through the door and in doing so became the first two creatures to successfully invade the walled city of Aquae Sulis twice in the same day.

What happened next transpired in but a few seconds, but in such glorious and improbable circumstances that it seemed as if it were filmed in hi-def slo-motion:
Bijaz got groggily to his feet. Xeno charged (rolled a one) and in his hasted failed to see the crater and fell face first into it. Holth fired his pistol again, barely grazing Bijaz’s ear. Bijaz, in desperation and confused haste, waved his wand in the air and summoned a white dragon into the sky above his head. Xeno recovered and leapt out of the pit, through Bijaz’s legs and hamstrung him from behind. He toppled forward as Holth charged in with his polearm and, (rolled a one) due to a momentary lapse in depth perception, overshot his target by some four feet and hit Xeno squarely on the hat with the heavy, scything blade. Luckily, the gnome favors hardened steel headgear and was left whole and in one piece.

By the time Xoe had arrived, Bijaz was on Death’s Door, and she unceremoniously pushed him through it. The dragon disappeared, goodies were snatched up and there was much rejoicing. Xeno climbed on Bijaz’s back and took his head for a prize.

Takemiya tumbled through the dark, snow whipping around him like stinging sand. In a calm desperation he reached his arms out for something, anything to slow his fall. He found, due to his increased size, the glacier wall and as his hand slapped the jagged ice, he started to slow. Again he reached out, and again his hand touched ice. Again he slowed. He managed to keep this up – touch and slow, touch and slow – for the full 250 feet to the bottom. That wasn’t so bad, he thought. He looked around, but there wasn’t much to see. Darkness, howling winds and stinging snow. Not a place to wait for a rescue. He looked back up the cliff face. Well, if I fall again, I think I can handle it. He started to climb.

Iryien blinked twice as she saw Takemiya plunge into the abyss. The first blink was grief; the second, calculation. For if the giant returned with news of their intrusion, they all would certainly be doomed. Quick as a flash she pulled out her short bow and took aim at the retreating giant. With her infravision he stood out like a candle in a darkened window and she let loose an arrow.

Somewhere, the gods rolled a twenty. ‘Hot damn, I am on FIRE tonight!’ shouted Agni. Thor turned towards the fire god and growled under his breath, ‘You make that __ing joke just ONCE more and I’ll break your __ing neck!” Agni shrunk back in genuine fear. His flames simmered down to a cool shade of saffron. “Ignorant bully,’ he muttered under his breath as he collected his trusty d20. ‘Just trying to have a little fun…’

The arrow sank into the base of the giant’s skull. He died instantly, but in the china shop of life and death his last dance was rather bullish. He careened off the face of the cliff, stutter-stepped back three paces, twirled away and into the cliff face once more before toppling over backwards in into the chasm below. His hulking carcass crashed and careened noisily off the icy cliff wall, giving Takemiya just enough warning to look up in time to see the giant’s body hurtling out of the dark, whizz past him and crash fully into the maw of the large chitinous centipede that had been silently pursuing Takemiya up the wall of the glacier.

Thor picked up Agni’s trusty d20 and hurled it across the Universe before stalking out of the room. Hades smiled weakly at Agni and offered him one of his many bone-colored dice. ‘Some people have no sense of humor about these things.’ Agni would have to agree.